Saturday, June 23, 2007
i'm sure many of us have heard of the quote, "Dream as if you'll live forever; live as if you'll die today." seriously, how many people actually do that. how many people actually ponder the words ever so carefully.
lately, i've been gloomy. very gloomy. being out here working, having mom and daryl come over and go home. and then my mom come over and go back again. my dad taking short business trips when my mom's gone back. in between, i've done very little. it started as a mission to enrich my life.
Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?
those lyrics may not be entirely applicable. they're just an excerpt from madonna's "You Must Love Me". so what started of as trying to return to an old life has definitely failed. the same passions don't thrill me anymore. call me boring, but i almost find doing laundry more thrilling than watching K-drama. maybe it's just that one drama serial, i've yet to figure. but watching Goong just put me to sleep. eating used to be another one of my passions, well, now i'd be perfectly glad if i could photosynthesize. saves me the trouble of eating.
how does one dream that he/she lives forever? i've been imagining myself with all kinds of illnesses lately. because i haven't been feeling well. maybe because i'm feeling down so it's been triggering my body to be a little wonky. but assuming i'm having a real problem, then that's really not fun. there can be only 2 ways out. one is, you recognise the fragility of life, take it in your stride and walk on. the other, you realise the same thing and become afraid of everything. sadly, i think i've become the latter. i want to tell myself there's nothing wrong and it's all part of some screwed up part of my imagination. then why am i not feeling right? and yet even after explaining to my parents and daryl, they still don't think there's anything wrong. and i get so paranoid about the air-con compressor falling on my head when i walk outside. or something equally bad. it's really getting out of hand here. i used to have bad paranoia, worried that i'd died before exams ended and i couldn't play ever again. now this is way worse.
last year i could still walk out on the streets when there was almost a typhoon in shanghai. i guess not anymore.
it's all about being afraid to lose isn't it? i mean, things have been going my way so far. i have a family, i have daryl, i got into a really prestigious business school, i have really great housemates and a really sweet apartment next year. i'm so grateful and happy that i've got all these. so very thankful. i don't want to lose any of it.
and it's been causing me to sleep poorly, eat poorly, feel poorly lately.
and so now i'm going to business school, it's still at UM just a slightly different route and i'm transferring from the liberal arts college to the business school. i just pray and hope that wherever that road takes me, it's taking me a step nearer to my goals, to who and what i value. i don't want to earn big money, drive a flashy car, own a yacht and a snazzy apartment and look a million bucks if i'm going to be unhealthy, unhappy and alone.
and i want to stop feeling so miserable. i have got to get over the "maybe i contracted avian flu/XDR-TB/HIV/spinocerebellar ataxia/muscular atrophy/pre-leukemia". it's tiring me out. and way too stressful. imagine me who used to be a bio student. what have i been doing? so glad i didn't become a med student, else i may be worse.
8.5 more work days, 12 days to going home. i just have to imagine that i'm on a 2 week holiday and it's ending soon.
