Saturday, December 16, 2006
i'm beginning to wonder when was the last time i let someone in.
sometime ago i believe. the sort where that person just gets to you. sometimes i wondered if there was anyone even to let in. and sometimes i wonder that i didn't actually just shut them out. defence mechanism.
or maybe, i just rarely let anyone get to me long enough.
i used to equate myself to one of those lignified plant stems with little pits and gaps. and usually one would prod and come against some wall. but then sometimes, you hit the pit and go straight in. like how i can take certain insults but sometimes some will hurt.
well, this case is slightly different.
i've let someone in. enough to really matter. and i suppose it's really too late to shut it out. not that i want to anyway.
i can't deny it. i'm infected. and affected. and there's only one way to go. further in.
Friday, December 15, 2006
i have just one final to go. technically it's the ony final. coz English was just a final paper, and Econ was a final midterm(for those who do not understand, it's just a big test) and Korean was another final midterm.
i had my Korean oral today. it started bad when i reached and my teacher was late. nearly had a panic attack. plus i didn't bring my cell phone along.
thankfully we started. but i think my partner said something wrong and since we memorised the skit, my answer might not have fitted hers exactly. then i had this interview and i was so nervous that i'd start off fast and start pausing for ridiculously long intervals to formulate my answers. then i misinterpreted the question of why do i enjoy singing karaoke. i heard it as where so i sing karaoke. OMG. i so scared of losing my A.
i'm so tired. partly coz i don't sleep enough.
partly coz it's been a long long term. 15 weeks is a lot longer than the 10 week quarters i'm used to. consistent work on the contrary is also a lot more tiresome and troublesome than last minute cramming for exams.
so much has happened in the term that i've been away.
i'll be pensive for a bit more. it's the end-of-year blues. it's been a year of new beginnings, new friendships, new heights scaled, new memories created.
and sad farewells. farewells of many sorts. the teary, the jubilant, the fading, the promising sort.
just a few more days to winter break. and i'll be off to boston, DC and the big APPLE. finally break time. now if i can just get through the mountain of revision for math.
i've been missing home more and more these past few days. but at the same time, it's no longer the all-consuming yearning coupled with bucket-loads worth of tears.
just a little nagging ache which i've learnt to shoe to the back of my mind.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
today's post was supposed to be about the relief after having sleepless nights for almost a week. the day when i say, i've just finished the 2 exams and turned in my final paper.
but no. i feel no relief. and it's not because i didn't do well.
chaps called today. she told me that Mama passed away. she was hospitalised for a bit a few weeks back and apparently everyone was prepared for the worst even though she got discharged. but no one explicitly told me though they kept dropping hints.
i think being away for most of this year has only made me miss her more. i guess asking her to wait 4 more years is too much huh?
there's no such thing as saying, i'm too embarrassed to let them know how dear they are to me. i've told her 'i love you' a grand total of 3 times in my life. it just never occurred to me before this year. how i regret it so.
partly coz i'm here, i don't think i really comprehend. she's gone. but i'll never realise it till i head home next summer.
Monday, December 11, 2006
my thoughts on decision-making.
i like the freedom of making my own decisions, yet i want some advice coz i don't like making ill-informed decisions. i sometime slike people to make them for me, coz i'm worried that i didn't consider all perspectives.
and then there are the times when i think i have the answers and i still haven't made a decision.
i'm running out of time. i'll have to come to a decision soon. and i'm still hunting for answers.
