Friday, March 10, 2006
i'm waiting for my Dad to come pick me and i've very little time to scribble this. but i figured that i so much as leave without saying this, i may never type ou a similar entry again. maybe forever.
of late, my entries have been very factual. very matter-of-fact. a report after a number of events.
there was a time, when my entries were a little more ambiguous, uncertain. sometimes coz i didn't know too well either. and today, i went surfing and chanced across something which i haven't visited in a while. something which took a little while to recall.
and somehow, i'm jolted somewhat into writing something.
if we just journey back a year in time, maybe a little more. we would have reached the space in time when the two schools of thought in me were equal. a time when idealism was so much more important. by far, it totally exceeded the other. and naturally what i felt, thought, acted and decided on was affected.
it was also then when i was more free with my words, more unreserved, more trusting and less suspecting of others. but somehow, during the last 3 months, i've learnt a few lessons. nothing is certain until it is certain. and even then, it mayn't be if you don't wake up tomorrow.
but as you can see, the other self in me which has dominated for most of my life has slowly crept up again. i believe it disappeared for a while, leaving me to be a little more abstract and maybe lost.
i can't say that i have any more direction than i used to. can't be totally certain that this is who i want to be, or this is who i am happy with. but this is who i am now, and this is who will survive.
people have asked me whether i have had regrets, or whether i feel it a loss. yeah, i do. it's scary how she kept most of my secrets. and it's alarming how i found such a brilliant friend when i was feeling my worst. moving on and apart, it's pretty much yesterday's news. you gain some, you lose some.
truthfully, i was most accquainted with my innermost thoughts then. i analysed a lot of emotions and feelings. talked about my problems and dealt with them in the way i thought best. maybe that's a little more human.
but looking back, talking about your problems doesn't solve them. neither does feeling sad and helpless. i don't feel the cold as bad anymore. maybe i've got an additional layer of blubber, or maybe it's just like the cold inside.
she's right. there was a time when i understood everything she wrote. but sometime last year, i stopped reading every word. i also stopped comprehending everything. sometimes i thought i had got it, and others i was just swimming in the words. and today, i get some parts, much less than before. but as i glance through the text, i know that i would have understood then.
i noted the physical absence a long time ago. but today i realised that i've disappeared too. the personality that existed briefly for a year over isn't quite around anymore. it's a dull little ache, wondering where i've gone, wondering who i am, wondering who i'll be.
i've always thought that like a storm that's spent itself, things will blow over and settle. who's to blame when i'm hardly the same?
enough of my aimless drifting.
i want a boyfriend. not some stupid fling/crush s***. i need somebody real. someone dependable, older. who's tasted some bittersweet and won't flinch at mine. who'll lend me a shoulder coz i'm sick of crying inside.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
did some quizzes which i stuck at the bottom.
today was a sad sort of day. we had something of a lunch of 7 people. all of us classmates. but there's this thing about people bing of different ages. i'm already the youngest in the class, maybe in the school even. but naturally i look older than that as everyone has so kindly told me.
lunch was not too good. partly coz it was hard to hear everyone through some of the accents. but more so coz these people are so different. you have these 2 guys who call themselves brothers, one's korean another japanese. and this italian girl and basically they just party at night. especially the japanese guy. he smokes like a chimney and comes really late, think Mao, and checks out the discos like every night. it's not a prejudice thing, but more of a, that's your life you're wasting.
and of course there are the guai-er ones. but lunch was pretty awkward at certain moments. lapses in a really weak conversation. i was asked to join them out for dinner, but i guessed that they'd be out late and my mom will totally skin me alive.
the class blog with the guys posting entries and discussing class outings, it's making me really want to head out and get some sun too. just hang and chill with the people who get you. the kind of conversation which just flows you know. whereas here we're like discussing cultural differences. but i musn't be quick to judge, coz maybe it's just the beginning. but when you have 10 people absent a day, there's no way you're gonna get class spirit whatsoever. but i forget, this is Uni here. not high school anymore.
and anyway, i chose to come here rather than stay and find a job. so i'm gonna mae the most of this experience. and i sort of see a bit of myself reflected in someone else. i don't like what i see. so i'm gonna have to 'dig it out'.
okay. enough of this blue blue entry. i will be dandy tomorrow. oh did i mention? i fell asleep in almost every lesson this week. today's one was so bad. something about outerspace and astronauts and some interview. it was such a long video and they played it twice coz it's listening class. unlike taking notes in english, when i write mandarin when i'm half asleep, i realy write absolute rubbish. i remember in the past when i slept in chemistry or math lectures, i'd still get the right notes down. here, i just substitute them with crap. urgh.
| You Are a Coy Flirt |
You may not seem like you're flirting, but you know exactly what you're doing.
You draw people in, very calculatingly, without them even knowing.
Subtle and understated, you know how to best leverage your sex appeal.
A sexy enigma, you easily become an object of obsession. |
| Your Birthdate: June 3 |
You are more than a big ball of energy - you are a big ball of hyper.
You are always on the go, but you don't have a type a personality.
Instead of channeling your energy into work, you instead go for fun and adventure.
Witty and verbal, you can have an interesting conversation with anyone.
Your strength: Your larger than life imagination
Your weakness: You tend to be pretty scattered
Your power color: Lime
Your power symbol: Lightening bolt
Your power month: March |
isn't it odd. i've been pretty satisfied this month. but i hope it lasts way beyond march. and what it says about me, it's actually right.
Monday, March 06, 2006
freeze me. i'm gonna shower soon. it's only afternoon. but it's way miserable to shower at night when the heating's not so good. but i'm kinda enjoying hostel life or lack of. my hostel is pretty private with no communal areas to chat and hang. but kathy stays in my hostel so it's real convenient to be hanging with her.
and everyone's starting to warm up to each other so things are going fine. dad's off today. and mom's gone home too. but it's all fine for now.
i bought fruits today and there's this thing about buying fruits for one person and trying to have some variety. so unless i intend to embark on a fruit diet for the next few days, something tells me that stuff is gonna rot again. i've got 5 mini mangos, 2 fuji apples, 3 chinese pears and 1 orange. and i already ate up a container of strawberries just now.
did i mention the rot in my fridge yesterday? coz i turned off the refrigerator in my room by mistake. majorly bad idea. the mushrooms were reduced to rotting fungi(as if they weren't already before), the milk i didn't taste but threw out, and there were rotten tomatoes and bad toufu and what else. so as much as i enjoy cooking, i'm staying away from cooking any major meal here for now. say hi to the era of convenience foods! like fruits, cereal, milk, and oreos! did i ention ovaltine and tea? coz they only have 3-in-1 milo mix.
anyway i've succesfully signed up for my elective programmes. it may be a tight squeeze if i really intend to follow through. there isn't much campus life as yet. but there's this homework and there's no kidding when they say that they're preparing for the following day's lessons. i'm pretty fortunate having had some of a headstart. there are still some tricky words but it's a lot better than say having everything to cram for. but seeing that i may start my first jap lesson this week.. then maybe not.
so i'm in chinese cooking and chinese painting class. couldn't take calligraphy coz it clashes with cooking. and chinese tourism was out of slots. business mandarin clashes with my classes so yeah. was thinking of wushu but i heard that when they run out of venues they will start practising on the roads and it's mortifying coz people stare at you. haha.
chinese tv is very entertaining. they've got so many channels. many many very many. i'm gonna sit and browse all the channels today and record the names of them. i think you guys must think me either very crazy or very bored. but truthfully, without a sheet of paper, you can't remember all the channels. and news is actually kinda inetresting. and i went and bought a dvd set today. explored the dvd shop near my hostel. they have gilmore girls the complete dvd set for seasons 1-5, and Sex and the City seasons 1-7 in a set and Friends seasons 1-10. sure it's still pretty expensive. like a hundred plus in singapore dollars. but it's for all the seasons. i'm considering slowly saving my cash and buying them after a while. anyway i bought some chinese show which i caught a couple of episodes of. and i'm too lazy to wait for it to air slowly on tv.
did i mention the ads on tv? coz they seem to especially like English speaking, bust enhancement, weight loss, vertical growth and occasionally soap powder and cleaning agents. and their ads are really long think like more than a minute.
and yours truly is putting on weight. aside from the initial phase whee i was homesick and seemed to be acquiring queer ailments, and i was losing weight. i've started eating properly and naturally the weight's coming back. doesn't help that Lika has emphasized that girls are likely to put on weight in the winter and how chinese food makes one fat. that's an understatement. how can a bowl of carbo-rich wanton not make you fat?
and the long lessons make my tummy rumble so. can't help it but snack in between else i'll risk absolutemortification when they hear my tummy growl.
oh darn i forgot to go to the office to get them to repair my shower hose. that's like the umpteenth time i've forgotten. and now it's past office hours. :(
time to go shower. and homework after. and then tv and then i'll have to try reading that chinese newspaper.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
i went to church yesterday at Xujiahui Catholic Church. it's pretty. but i didn't really know what they were saying. if not for the fact that Xiaozhang and Fuxiaozhang had taught us how to say the Our Father in Mandarin when i was in St Nix, I'd have just sat there in silence.
there are many things which i have to be thankful for.
m mom goes back tomorrow morning. and my dad's flying off elsewhere too. so that pretty much leaves me here by myself. i think i've got to be more independent. with my mom around, it's so much easier to leave things to her to pack and stuff. and it's amazing how the cold makes you forget things so much more easily. but i fully intend to revert to being a student. last week, i was just being a student on holiday.
i have a whole week's worth of homework due this week which i conveniently left to pile upp. i also have a whole week's worth of lessons to prepare for. what with all the meals we've been having out, and shopping; all poor excuses to neglect my work.
but this week. i'm gonna have to buck up. i've got to stop chilling! i haven't read the chinese newspaper that i bought 5 days ago! neither have i explored the tv channels in my hostel so i can't figure which channel CNN is on. by the way, there's this really cute show. this chinese drama about this girl. there's like 66 channels. and they've got such nice shows you can just sit there and watch one after another. just change from one channel to another. and the mandarin is seriously challenging.
sigh. i'll update when i reach the hostel.
