Thursday, January 05, 2006
for the first time in weeks. the tension on my brow is beginning to ease. of course, it still isn't time to relax and fifty million things can still go wrong. and will possibly go wrong. but it still feels good to know that the weekend's approaching. and maybe, after tomorrow, i'll stop feeling tense.
i can't wait to go out soon. i didn't go for the class farewell dinner(only about the 5th 'separate ways' dinner) coz i didn't have time. neither did i meet lili who's back in china now.
i guess for some time. i always equated bad to the worst year of my life anf good to the time when i was 12. that was to me, the epitome of all things happy. and i gues, without wanting to repeat similar events, i actually hoped to replicate the degree of exhilaration or joy.
to be honest, i probably always thought that way. and i was always disappointed to figure at the end of a year, that i wasn't all too happy.
i think happiness, or the receipe for happiness begins with having a sense of direction. someone can point you in the correct way, or you can grasp about yourself. but ultimately, once you've embarked on a distinct route, you're halfway there. i was always wishing for things to happen, but what's to happen when you've not given anything?
finding love, or Mr Right isn't one of my resolutions this year. neither is losing 3kg or growing taller. deep down, i do hope to find someone who understands me and appreciates me for who i am. but this just isn't so important anymore.
perhaps some may just think me to be disgruntled, blind and dissatisfied. i don't deny that i was before. and when you're bogged down by even more things, these issues do hit you pretty low sometimes. but i don't have the energy to worry about such redundant matters. i would much rather be concerned over my family's health and about constantly improving myself.
losing weight isn't so important anymore. rather loving myself for who i am is.
it's been 5 days into the new year. i've read 4 days of newspapers and i've hit the gym twice. for that i am extremely proud. people who know me must understand that newspapers bore me extensively and i've already fallen asleep twice while reading them. but i'm beginning to like them just a teeny bit better now. and with time, i hope to be more objective in speech and writing.
as a 12-year-old. i only knew glee and bliss. so maybe i've learnt a little of pain and bitterness along the way, it's only sweetened the fruits of labour.
Monday, January 02, 2006
i think 2005 was a year of missed opportunities. so i can't imagine repeating them again. i'm striving hard to make something out of myself but sometimes it feels like things are working against you.
sometimes you make mistakes, you lagged a little, slipped a little, fell a little and you think that once you're up on your feet again, everything will be fine. at least you're able to start again. but it doesn't work that way.
i've been feeling a little blue lately. and sometimes i worry if it's a case of bad karma that's gonna affect the whole year. but i'm adamant that this year will be good.
dear God, please iron out the kinks and help me along. i feel rather weary and despondent. sometimes i feel like i'm just throwing myself against a wall. i don't want to give in to regrets. i just want to look ahead and keep up.just a couple more weeks and i think i'll be able to breathe easier. this year will be a brilliant year. coz like in Jan 2004, it's up to me to write a new chapter for myself.
i may have missed out in 2005. not anymore.
