i'm bordering insanity at the moment. i'm so scared that i'm going to forget all that i have studied. and i don't have time to go over what i have learnt. there's so much bio. so much. just pages and pages. i haven't done kidneys! and bio molecules and cell membrane! kidneys kidneys! and nerves! ah!!

and chem. i haven't read my notes. i mean, i don't have time for it. so i'm just banking on practices now and then to refresh my memory.

studying is such a unnatural process. our brains are already so saturated. and if we liken the info to concentrations of substances, like nothing's diffusing in anymore coz it's against the concentration gradient. it's like falling out.

and let's not even talk about bio option. i'm hoping for this week to end so i can finally pick up my option topics and start. and chem option is confusing me. some facts are like totally opposite of bio.
and i can't think of anything else except exams. every waking moment. and in my sleep. somehow everything i say comes back to the same old topic. how it's plaguing me, how i want it to be over. how i'm counting the seconds and minutes. how i'm so screwed.
i'm going bananas. my most recent dream that i remember, i was very excited about eating eggs. and i went on and on about how eggs could be cooked in so many ways.
my life has been reduced to eating, sleeping, studying, watching tv, playing with my dog and using the comp. actually that's quite a variety right?

Lord, if i closed my eyes and wished really hard, could you take it all away?
if You can't, then could you at least take my fear and paranoia away? and replace it with calm, a clear mind, and concentration. and please please help me for the exams. these 2 weeks are going to be an eternity.

RAVEN EYES

You have Raven
Eyes!
Positive Traits: Intellectual,
Wise, Experienced, Honest,
Trustworthy
Negative Traits: Pompous,
Condescending, Withdrawn, Pessimistic,
Depressed


Your eyes are the windows to your soul. What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

couldn't have given me a better match. if i had taken it 6 years ago, would it have been different?

i think quiet people are unpredictable. i'm loud and brash. and there are days when people around can smell the TNT in the air. people know that something's going to happen. or at least, i won't do explosive bursts anymore. eventually, one just learns to control their emotions.

but then there are days when this homeostatic mechanism breaks down. today i witnessed 2 separate incidents. both are generally docile people. in good tempers. no offence, but i loathe it when people take out their bad moods on others. it's worse for people who are a little more quiet, coz they tend to pick on really trivial things. excuse me, if you have a problem, keep it in check. it don't take a genius to learn how to control your temper.
you just DEAL.

and i'm watching da changjin again. i guess i've never watched the front before. but the front's really nice. so cute.

lastly, i think i'm going to die from waiting. 4 days to the exams. 22 days to the end.
and after that applications, references and SATs.
and after that, a new beginning. this time, i want things to be perfect.

p.s. i'm gaining cheeks again. and i ate a bag of chips today. *groan*

i'm sure we've all heard about the story of the carrot, the egg and the coffee powder. if we liken hot water to adversity, the the carrot became soft, the egg became hard and the coffee powder diffused through out to give a fragrant cuppa.

so here's the question. what are you? the egg, carrot or coffee powder?
i'm an egg.

i just read damian's entry. about his brother.
so yeah, i don't have a brother. and i've always wished for one. an older one. i do have one now, sort of. coz my sister's boyfriend is really close to the family so he's almost like an elder brother.
but that's not the point. i'm going to talk about my sister instead. she's 6 years older than me. and we're pretty different.
i guess we're both sociable, and extroverted. we're both funny.
the difference is, she's more responsible, confident and driven.

but i guess there were greater differences a long time ago. she was the teacher's pupil in primary school. and the teachers knew her for being hardworking and obedient. which is so not me. so when i did enter primary school(the same one as hers), i carved a whole knew niche for myself. i was loud, talkative, forthright. and quite bored in lessons too. eventually, some of her teachers ended up teaching me later in primary school. and my chinese teacher would call me Xiaowei almost every chinese lesson. following which, she would elaborate on how good my sister was, how hardworking and so very obedient. and then she'll sigh and say, 'if only you are half as hardworking as your sister.' now that's really nice, isn't it? rather embarrassing. coz by the end of 2 years in EM1(that's another thing, i opted in, my sister did well enough to get in), my whole class knew i had a sister, by the name of Xiaowei who was really hardworking.
honestly, i don't really care. and even now when i do go back to visit my primary school chinese teacher, she calls me Xiaowei first. then she figures that i'm not her and then asks about my sister. but i don't really mind, coz i'm just me.

but then of course, i didn't always think that way. there was this really awful time when we were fighting all the time. (girls can fight) we scream and pinch each other and goodness knows what. rather violent. coz my sister was coping with sec sch(in a top girls school) and we just didn't get along. and she was some health problems too. so when i was 11, i moved out and stayed with my aunt and uncle(which explains why i'm chummy with my guy cousins). i realise now that i was really quite strong then. especially since my P5 year was the worst of primary school life. there were all these backstabbing issues then in school and frankly, not fun.
i remember vowing early in P5 that i wasn't to cry more than 3 times in the whole year. and i cried just twice. so i felt rather proud of myself. so in a sense, i'm a lot more emotional now than then.

life in st nix was quite different. firstly, my parents didn't have anything to compare me with since my sister hadn't coped too well in sec sch. so i was pretty much left on my own. and my sister had gone to US for a year and a half, so it was just me. though my parents did love breathing down my neck.
i guess she came back. and she had really changed. gotten really sure of herself, and what she wanted to do. and we just became a lot closer. and now, here we are. she is a role model. and both of us make a cute pair with our stupid antics.

but then there are still times, when i feel i've gone back to walking in her shadow. but she's quick to notice that and constantly tells me to be confident of myself. like i said earlier, we're both sociable. just that she's the one whom will make efforts to step out, while i lag behind until i'm more comfortably adapted.

i'm still waiting for the day when i'll be totally sure of myself. because for now, i'm still dependent on my sister. and it's time i learnt to fly, on my own.

i blogged yesterday. a well thought out entry. but there was something wrong with the wireless connection and poof! i lost the whole thing after an hour. it was really the cherry on top of a less-than-desirable day.
so in a way, i guess it was kinda good that i had lost the entry.

i realise that weekends are even more unproductive tha weekdays. the family's free and then we're trotting off to eat or something. and you lose a lot of time in between.
i went jogging today. in a bid to keep fit. i'm supposed to train post-A's, and convert all the flab into muscle. meaning, flat tummy, toned body etc. and today, i realised that it was gonna be a lot harder than i had predicted. it all sounds so glamorous does it? running in the gym and lifting weights and trying out the different machines. except that a) i don't run and b) i don't go to the gym.
so anyways, i went to bishan park to run today. i managed to jog continuously for 3.2km which is an achievement. though the 2nd 1.6km felt more like crawling to me. and all the old uncles and aunties were running past me. *shudders*
i don't suppose i was ever that fast before. but in sec 3, i certainly didn't have excess fat on me. 5kg lighter and at the same height. okay fine. so maybe i did look kinda skinny though i never thought so then.
the good thing was i made use of the opportunity to focus my thoughts(and the thought of running) on more constructive matters. so i mentally revised cyclic and non-cyclic photophosphorylation, chemiosmotic theory and a bit of calvin cycle in my brain. with God's blessings, it's still in my brain. though calvin cycle has started to fall out.

my sis came back yesterday. so i went to the airport to pick her up. i love the airport. the planes i hate(think claustrophobia and there's this weird smell). it was bustling with activity. full of people. you'd think that it wasn't exams but instead holidays already.
it made me feel like i wanted to ditch all the exams and stress and crap and just fly away. but then with highlighters stuffed into my pocket and a set of notes in my left hand(not that i even had the time to look at it anyway, it's called reassuring yourself of your efforts), it was kind of hard, to brush aside those nagging responsibilities.

i really loathe the exams. my detest extends beyond that of just hating the thought of studying, or the act of doing the papers, or the stress. there's more. i know my parents and sister have mentioned it before. but it does still come as a shock every now and then. the exams bring out the worst and best in people. coming from a premier institution and all, the competition is really intense. but beneath that carefully concealed facade, there's quite a bit of selfishness. i guess no one actually speaks of it. knowing that it's people we're talking about. but you know that people don't always wish you well.
the worst part is, to protect yourself, you may actually adopt some of that undeisrable traits. that is precisely what i hate. i mean, i'm not a fan of this behaviour, but if people practise it, then so be it. it's cheapening yourself with a similar behaviour that makes me feel ashamed. not that there's much, knowing that i mean what i say. mom said to brush it aside and focus. God handles everything.
it does make you rather disillusioned. why are we fighting so hard for the outcome when we may lose ourselves along the way? i like to think of the exams as a time to pit our best against it. to battle ourselves and better ourselves. unfortunately, it's hardly that easy. even if you're not there to compare, others will be. and family members. and all the aunties and uncles will start raking up the scores of their own accomplished offspring.

lastly. i came to a conclusion that one's heartstrings is closely linked to one's stomach. i wasn't feeling too good after the humongous lunch i ate just 30 minutes after a not-so-light breakfast.
already as it is, my mind has been somewhat preoccupied(that's a gross understatement) with other matters. and returning to those thoughts makes me feel pained. of which i never knew that it could manifest itself as a physical ache. and today, it just felt worse with a queasy stomach.
i'm actually feeling afraid now. becuase there will be an impending sense of loss. and there's nothing i can do to stop it.

Xiaoyan
20
business
U of M-Ann Arbor


SPRING break!!
fishball noodle soup
yellow gold heart locket
3.7 GPA
DSLR
cashmere winter coat


cher clara chuan debs terence prong san xuewei toufu 04s71 damian yisheng