Friday, October 14, 2005
the previous entry was supposed to be yesterday's but there was something with my wireless connection so i just published it.
there was some subdued feelings today.
but i didn't chicken out today, so i finally cleared the air after more than 1 and a half months. someone's gotta make the first move right?
and there was some deja vu too. it rained today. so there were enormous puddles of water. khengwee, manda, yisheng and i started kicking and splashing water. and let's say that after a year and a half, i still ain't better now than before. i have this knack for kicking the water onto myself. how smart.
the deja vu came in when nearing the last day of first 3 months last year, alina, potion shannon and i were kicking water too! haha. and i went home with a really soaked pinafore. so today was almost eerie.
had class dinner today. it was pretty hilarious. as usual girls and guys sat separately but there was all this curiosity so certain topics were discussed(or rather snickered about).
then there was this incident which got me rolling over with laughter. mao ate fresh oysters and drank some water, then he laughed and choked and spat the water(and mixture of goodness knows what) out. and it landed all on khengwee anthon and gladys. like quite a bit and even on the glass window too. the expression on the 3's faces and the immediate recoil and simultaneous reaction was really funny.
and of course, what's a last day of school without pictures! the junior class made nice photo frames for us with our class pic. pretty! and we of course took more shots. i shall upload soon.
lastly, i came back home and let's just say i hate mixed signals. coz when i do work, people tell me to stop, and when i stop, they say i'm not doing enough. and they start harping that my grades are bad. i know they aren't fabulous, but they just had to say that they were awful right? and that my A's were gonna suck. thanks man. already as it is, my own uncertainty has driven me to fix myself up for almost evey kind of remedial. i don't need to be reminded all the time that i'm gonna fail if i don't work harder.
and another separate issue. i wanted to record a show, but it didn't get recorded. though i did call back to check that it'll get done. it's just a simple example to illustrate why independence is so important. imagine having to rely on people and depend on people to get your own things done.
sorry pal, as much as i dislike having too many chores to do, i'd much rather depend on myself. coz if i fail, i'll just hate myself or something. just be disppointed with myself that something went wrong. but i'd know that ultimately it was my fault and it can be rectified. imagine having to rely on others... it could be much worse.
i shall start with my day and end with a quiz from damian's blog.
today was long. it was supposed to be an hour and twenty minutes of bio lect. period. but then, it kinda multiplied, by my own doing.
turned up at 8 for chem remedial for 3 hours, then had chem consultation for 15 minutes. walked to the audi and had bio lect for an hour and twenty minutes. and by then i was feeling seriously dizzy from a combination of factors, partly lighting, partly hungry.. manda and i excaped to the canteen after, bought a pau and choc milk and headed for a 3 hour bio remedial session. then bio consultation for 20 minutes.
by the time i got home, i got a scolding for returning home an hour later than i had agreed to.
changed into some decent clothes and poof! off to town.
we had german food today! yummy. we had everything which we intended to eat before, at Paulaner Brauhaus in the millenia area. the decor's nice and the pub is quaint. not so loud and crassy like some. and the seats were pretty. with this cute brewery thing. and nice mugs! finally ate the food from oktoberfest which i'd been meaning to for 3 years.
the beer's good. my mom let me at my own 0.3litre of Munich Dark. i was kinda surprised coz usually, we don't get into a habit of ordering alcohol unless my dad's around.
1. What song are you listening now?
nothing. but i'm loving 'Counting Down the Days' by Natalie Imbruglia.
2. Who are you waiting for?
dunno. everyone, everything and nothing and anything. waiting for the whole seires of events to play out, waiting for the chronology to be set. waiting for the time when everything falls into place. waiting for Mr. Right. waiting for the time when i'll stop waiting.
3.Would you like to dye ur hair?
if you asked me this half a year ago, i'd have said no. but now, i'm waiting till A's are over, then i'll get a dark rich brown with honey-brown highlights. or i'll get a perm, or a Korean roll straight. or maybe, if by then my hair has miraculously become some flowing lustrous jet-black locks, then i won't do anything.
4. Do you like sports?
to a certain extent. like watching or participating? i don't like pespiring coz i get really mucky. but i do enjoy it. quite a bit actually. i used to do a lot more strenuous exercises. i like rope courses and obstacles. cycling and yoga. and aerobics sometimes. i enjoy canoeing. but my classmates will gladly think otherwise. i haven't exercised in AGES.
5. Chocolate or vanilla?
i did a quiz before and it said that i was vanilla. and that it was nothing of bland and plain sweet. apparently, it had much mystery to hide. but give me choc, anyday.
6. Punk or goth?
neither. no dispute.
7. Do you like babies?
quite. they're awful cuddly. i've always wanted kids. i made up that decision when i was 10 and told my classmates then that i wanted 5 kids. haha. and after bio, try 5 kids with epidural.
8. What are your feelings right now?
ditzy? and lazy. and really full. i made up my lack of lunch with a massive dinner.
9. Whom are you with right now?
my mom.
10. What was the last thing you asked someone to do?
??
11. What did you do for the last few hours?
eat. blog. discuss.
12. Last testimonial from?
those friendster things.
13. Last testimonial you sent?
those friendster things.
14. What are you wearing?
jeans. hair pin and a yellow horizontal-striped tank
15. What's on your wall?
shelves. with photos. basically nothing.
16. What are your plans for tomorrow?
it's the last day. we've got talks and more talks.
17. Beer or tap water?
both. i think both are nice. i don't like stuff which is too sweet so that rules out soft drinks.
18. Favourite Color?
currently. pale cream yellow.
19. Do you like cookies?
used to. now i don't really care. but famous amos ones do resurrect old cravings.
20. How many dark secrets do you have?
quite a number. i do tell my secrets. but what i don't say, i haven't said.
21. What's in your trash can?
tissue paper, plastic wrap, cotton swabs paper?
22. Do you miss someone?
my dad. and people whom you can't have.
23. Spring or summer?
neither? i'm a fall/winter person. but if i like the coolness of spring and the impulse and passion of summer, which kinda conflicts dunchathink?
24. Turn to your left. What do you see?
a calendar conveniently opened to the page for december. hols hols! and i see the door too.
25. Do you like cars?
yup. i like the bumper cars coz they're like accident-proof. but i like a yellow beetle, a maroon lexus and an old maroon jag.
26. Have you eaten your dinner?
after harping continuously, i guess so right?
27. If I asked you to go to the kitchen right now,what would you get?
water. i'm thirsty. i've still got soup to drink.
28. Have you ridden a horse?
i was 5. i'd like to again. coz i was real young and i didn't hear what the guy said so i chose to trot instead of run. i'd like to gallop really fast with the wind billowing in my face.
29. Do you believe in love at first sight?
yes. i believe in it as the epitome of the incidence of love. to experience it at the very instant. kinda improbable. but the very essence and beauty is always hard to attain, that's what keep you driving at it.
30. What's on your table?
paper. and lots of paper. hard to tell where the table begins.
31. Favourite website(s)?
gilmore and friends stuff. and lyrics pages.
32. Whom are you online with?
there's something wrong with my connection.
33. Where's your mum?
with me. kinda unnerving.
34. Which cartoon character(s) do you like to meet?
does a mythical creature count? i'd like to meet arthur pendragon. he exudes masculinity self assurance and majesty. if i had to pick a cartoon character..chip n' dale the chipmunks.
35. Favourite channel(s)?
i'm not a fan of channels, but shows. so i don't really care as long as there's stuff to watch. good stuff.
36. Which phone do you like to own?
sony ericsson w800i.
37. What time is it?
2229
38. What is the day & date?
131005
39. Last movie you've seen?
the myth.
40. Do you like it?
it's pretty okay. but the ending fell flat.,
41. Are you sitting anywhere near a window?
2 metres to my right. you decide if that's near or far.
42. Be honest, do your socks stink?
no
43. Any favourite brands?
LVER = la vie en rose. puma. i don't dress quite like the people i know..so i can't name the brands exactly.
44. Name 3 things you last bought.
magnolia uht choc milk. a pau. foolscap paper.
45. Are you wearing any accessories?
pink hairpin, watch, aquamarine earrings.
46. Do you wear make up?
rarely.
47. How was yesterday?
i can't remember. okay since i'm alive today.
48. Do you hear anything weird?
sometimes. usually it comes outta my mouth.
49. Do you like your school?
pretty okay.
50. Anything left to say?
this quiz is long.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
my dog bit me again today. i didn't know that pets were supposed to do that on a regular basis. thankfully he's kinda small so my hand is still there. but it's still got half my hand red and swelling. and i'm hoping that i don't get an infection. and ever so grateful that it isn't my writing hand else, i'll have a major problem. still it's kinda painful, since it's been the worst bite so far.
like honestly, if some stray bit me, i'll just attribute that to plain insanity on its part. but considering it's my pet, i'm kinda sad. but it is embarrassing to cry in front of my maid about a dog bite right? it isn't so much that my hand hurts, but it hurts deep down.
seems like everyone's worrying about prom gowns. i mean, yeah. i guess i should start thinking of getting a gown. i'm considering just wearing my sec4 prom gown. after it did cost 280 bucks with matching shawl and shoes so it doesn't make sense to invest in another. but i know that the prom theme is prolly more informal that the st nix one. i love my prom dress more than ever. it's an organza and tulle dress, strapless, full-length and pouffy. like really big and the material just twirls around you when you spin. but everyone's talking about kneelength dresses so it don't seem right to wear this one. besides, this ain't the time to do an 'outstanding' feature.
and of course there's the worry that people are gonna wear the same gown as you. i'm not worried coz that scenario already happened before. with one brand Daniel Yam, no time to shop and a whole convent of girls, so many girls were decked out in the same strapless cull-necked dress which came in knee or full-length varieties, in lavender, pink, peach, white and blue. but then again, there's only so much originality with dresses, how different can they get anyway?
i've almost enrolled myself in every possible remedial class now. partly to calm my paranoid mind. but now i'm prolly gonna be back in school almost everyday. i guess there will be days when i won't turn up. and i pray that mr wong won't set too many gp remedials. rather intimidating.
looking forward to friday. my family's gonna eat oktoberfest! so it's beer, brautwursts, sauerkraut and more!
2 more days to the official last day of school. who would have thought that the 2 years have come, been lived through and are just about to fly away all in the blink of an eye. .
Monday, October 10, 2005
"You were right
And I don’t wanna be here
If your gonna be there
Was that supposed to happen
I’ll hold tight
I’ll remember to smile
Though it has been a while
And without you does it matter
There’s no room
No place to start
When our souls are apart
I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
I’m counting down the days
How’ve you been
It’s just the usual here
And days are feeling like years
And every days without you
Now I cry
Just a little too much
When I think of your touch
And everything about you
I feel cold
I’m in the dark
When our souls are apart
I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
I’m counting down the days"
-- natalie imbruglia,
counting down the days --
i'm turning into a basketcase. this song's been playing pretty often lately. and everytime she sings in that mellow wistful voice of hers, it makes me want to cry. in so many ways, i can almost feel the song. in so many ways, i've almost been that song. and in so many ways, i feel i'm doing injustice to that song.
my dad went back. after a week. and once he drove off, my sister and i just sat down and cried. it's all so weird. i never did cry when my dad flew around when i was a kid. but now it's different. it's always the same old, the same old tired defenceless human physique battling the scourges of age, of toil.
and why does daddy have to be there? when he can be here..i don't know when things started to get so awry. i thought i was all on track. like what Nathaniel's mom said in The Undomestic Goddess,"sometimes you don't need to know where you're going, you just need to know what to do next." i may not be so sure as to where i'm going. but i know that there are all these yardsticks lying around, waiting for me to travel past.
technically, i shouldn't be complaining. there are people who've been saying how much i've improved(in terms of grades), how i'm not in remedial anymore. etc etc. is that how it's supposed to be? because i'm perpetually convinced that if anything is transient then even the grades can be. and it's driving me into some constant obsession that i must do more. just the SATs on saturday made me want to crumple up like a sheet and jump into a garbage bin. if i can't get 2000 then it's nothing. and my math tutor thinks i'm having a holiday or something.
i am counting down the days. to the end of the week, that i can hole myself up at home and nurse my own insecurities. so i won't have to go to school anymore and face more stress and more people.
i'm counting down the days to the end of the exams. to end november when my daddy comes back for 2 days. to december when i can go visit him in shanghai. to january when my whle family can go on a road trip and keep each other engaged wholely in fun and laughter. to the time when i can leave everything behind, the sorry mess i created, the pathetic hopes.
is it so hard to leave behind? no..
it's when we haven't left and when it's still hanging there. but when we've truly shut it out, there's nothing left.
once, the doors were wide open. and every mark which told a story was left bare for people to ridicule, to stare and gape. but then the doors closed. and there isn't a point in opening them again.
