Saturday, August 27, 2005
eeeakkkkkk!
i'm about to go crazy with boredom!
boredom's not about having nothing to do, but rather having nothing you want to do.
and studying obviously doesn't rank as a want. such pertinent needs we have.
i'm shall watch the documentary about the eruption of krakatoa tonight. sounds like i'm in need of serious entertainment. but volcanoes are fun anyway. not fun like whee! so fun to have a volcanic eruption. but nice to watch on tv. i watched the vesuvius reenactment before, quite cool. the costumes looked really cute.
my class picture! off yisheng's blog
oh. and the old cuckoo clock has been fixed. it's been lying quiet for the longest time and it forgot how to cuckoo. so lately it got tweaked so it's sorta working but we're using an extra heavy weight to make the gears move better first.
it cuckoos every hour and half hour and sings edelweiss and some other song. quite nice. except that it cuckoos extra fast and sounds like the security alarm going off.
Friday, August 26, 2005
today was the last day of offcial curriculum. after this there won't be definite lessons and stuff and it's kind of sad to know that everything's gonna be so uncertain and in damian's terms, we're gonna be soo alone.
i remember at the end of last year, i was discussing how this year will turn out. i remember looking on and remarking very resolutely that this year will be great and way better than the last. and it has been. there is something in involving yourself and making things happen.
today has been somewhat nostalgic and yet again, somewhat unbelievable. almost as if we paused in time. everything went about as per normal. taking pictures, playing chapteh..etc.
but today was a good day nonetheless. i'm full of happy endorphins. after ingesting 8 triangles of toblerone, all the chocolate's been coursing through my veins. forbidden fruit tastes twice as sweet. i'm not supposed to eat choc but thankfully i didn't get a sore throat. i did drink 2 bottles of water immediately after just as a precautionary measure.
i met cher and we bus-ed to town. been so long since i went out for fun. decided to have a day of leisure and enjoyment before finally condemning myself to books, or try to at least. it was unconventional. she had to get presents and so did i. so we dropped all our usual browsing spots and spent our time in Book Binders, some jap stationery store with so much pretty paper and a toy shop. awful cute. and we had great fun prodding stuff and chatting.
and i kept pointing at things like Me To You bears with wedding gowns and saying how i'll never get a chance to buy them. cher just kept on rolling her eyes with the 'oh please' expression.
but honestly, if i ain't married by 30, i'll go and adopt a kid or something. otherwise life will be incomplete don't ya think?
i realise i take great pride in amusing people. one of my few talents unfortunately.
got home and my momma was saying that whatever i got was totally impractical. i guess i should have gotten staplers or something. but that ain't fun. i've never been one for practical gifts anyway. in fact i suck at buying things for others. ooh and cher gave me a sheet of pretty mulberry paper with paper hearts! pretty things are nice!
Thursday, August 25, 2005
it's a wonder how people can breeze throuhg life and not really realise what happens around them. i'm one of that race. and it's quite amazing really.
i mean i do observe people. when i'm on the bus or train and i wonder why they're dressed in a certain fashion or what's their life about.
but in school..jeez. gilyn constantly thinks that i'm too blur and uninterested to find out who's who in school, who's chio/shuai/involved in a relationship/transferring etc..i dunno. i never had much interest for that. especially not for people whom i've never seen in my whole life. rather i like i dabble in the affairs of people whom i do know and whom i care about.
but over the course of the last 4-5 days..i've discovered..
from the yearbook, who gabriel pang is. haha. the shock on gilyn and junjia's face when they found out that i didn't know who he was. and i still dunno the people on the prom king board.
but today i went home with pearlyn and yingying. the ang yingying nominated for prom queen. and would you believe this? she's a st nix girl from my batch who's lived and breathed the same school ar as me and today i got to know her. i felt almost embarrassed. makes me wonder that i don't actually walk around with a paper bag over my head. ha.
and so we got to talking about our old classes and stuff. a lot of stuff unrelated to me. but very much related to my old school. at times i just went into shock. but not as much as i might have been before.
which brings me back to a point i mentioned before. back then, did we ever imagine what we are now?
today brought back an odd feeling of deja vu. the 3rd school term is closing and lessons will be stopped. doesn't it feel odd? having dragged your feet to school for 1 year and 9 months and wondering when it'll all end..and suddenly..there's no need to drag your feet anymore. no cause to.
mr lee was saying something about last chem tutorial etc. so familiar.
i remember the last drills session i conducted in july 2 years ago. eileen, my partner, wasn't free so betty, my squadmate, relieved her and assisted me with handling my squad's activities. i had forgotten that it was the last NP activity that i was conducting and i was frankly having a harder time than the usual, trying to make them do the usual routine of circuit training and running.
subsequently betty told me that it was the last session and i was like,'uhuh?' she prompted me to tell them but i didn't see the point. she declared it eventually though and by then the squad was all quiet and despondent. and the drills session was a lot more sombre, but also more orderly. the sec 2s were trying to give it their best shot with their 'bangs' and marching.
following which i gave my baton to my junior since i wasn't going to need it anymore and hers was really inconvenient since it kept dropping and she had returned about 75 punishments for it. the whole mood struck me as rather odd back then but not noticeable so, until i had passed out(meaning stepped down) 2 weeks later and had received a bunch of letters from my juniors, one specifically detailing the above-mentioned incident.
bit by bit, every present situation will fade into some memory. but this time, along with the many times to come, will it be sombre quiet or a resounding 'bang'?
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
i ran out of toothpaste. so my momma went and bought the new Darlie Tea Care.
it tastes good enough to eat. mmhhmm..
Monday, August 22, 2005
the weekend just ended of which Class 95 was having a Soft rock weekend. and i heard the song Best I Ever Had by Vertical Horizon. a very yummylicious song. isn't it just beautiful when you turn on the radio and it's playing the songs you love?
today was just so
blah.we had a GP lesson discussing the application question on choices and destiny. which i got 2 marks for. getting 2 marks for AQ hardly surprises me these days. it's getting anything more than a 4 that shocks me.
i made th same mistake which i made last year. i happily went on crapping cock-and-bull even though i knew it was shooting myself. choices are ceratinly more beneficial than destiny but that's not what i believe in largely and so i went and countered the whole thing. what a brilliant thing to do. apparently the argument i supported was fatalistic/defeatist/escapist. which got me reflecting...am i that sort? i know i certainly was for a whole year last year but has that permanently degraded me into some boneless piece of rag? has my inability to choose made me not want to bother with choices anymore? or does having someone to make decisions for me resulted in me being easily contented with what i have?
i want to meet everything head on. there are certain thorny issues which i'll readily admit that i haven't been able to setttle tidily. certain touchy matters which cannot seem to be resolved. but goodness, i would if i could. i don't know what it will bring, it can go either way, but i just want them fixed.
which brings me to the second point. i've been in severe need of a good cry. i certainly got one today. a cry, but not a good one.
i don't like crying in front of people. it's okay if it's just a sad sad show and you're crying as you sympathise with the oh-so-pathetic situation. but if it concerns me, then please, lemme just climb into my little hole and hug my Boltie. i'll be better than ever after that. i actually started worrying in advance that i'll become some basketcase in school. so uncalled for.
which wasn't all that inaccurate. econs lecture was spent with yh and mr.lee in some secluded meeting room trying to dissect problems. i don't really know what for..to attempt to fix them i guess. i don't deny that i'm part of the reason why there's even a problem to begin with.
but i don't get it! i'm trying to assume different points of view. and from every direction that i'm viewing this matter there can only be one ultimate objective. to fix it. if that's what everyone wants, why can't we move in that direction? why can't we make a conscious effort to find some solution?
aren't we all tired? we've been treading over the same ground for ages. leaving it hanging won't make it go away. and it's creating such a tricky mess that the longer it drags the more unsatisfactory the result will be.
gawd. i've attempted. it's just taking some broken porcelian doll and trying to stack all the pieces till it fits. but before you can grab the super glue and stick it, some wind will come and blow it all down. and then there's twice the number of shards. we've gotta start bandaging fingers and applying all the antiseptic lotion before trying again.
i've tried outrunning problems before. sometimes you really believe they've all gone away. only to turn around and realise they've been behind you all this while. i never did face my fears head on last year. i hid from them and ran away. they were big and painful anyway. but it figures that i was never quite content with whatever i was left with. i am a fighter(i was at least).
do you know how it feels to walk out into the sun after the rain? the feeling that something has lifted? the feeling of triumph. whether accidental or intentional, there's this intense feeling of winning. of knowing you've mastered yourself. sometime in between, i must have realised that i wasn't entirely happy with whatever i had.
Little Miss can't quite remember if she really did despise herself. but she did acknowledge that somewhere in between she left some behind. and she was gonna go back and find it. Little Miss wasn't always sad and bitter. and she knows that all the more now. Little Miss is rather cynical and she's quite forgotten what it used to be like when she was funny by just being funny, without her trademark dry humour. Little Miss doesn't want to head back so deep and far behind. but Little Miss doesn't want to be sad anymore. Little Miss wants to face obstacles and try to climb over them. but sometimes, she will fall and scrape her knees too. but Little Miss will always stand up and walk again.
Little Miss will hate herself if she does not get up.
Little Miss is big. she will never pass off for being small, petite and weak. Little Miss does not want to be weak. she wants to shoulder every load she was made to carry, with her broad shoulders and all.
of course Little Miss will be tired sometimes.
but seeing that things cannot be done otherwise, it will just have to be.i have gone on and rattled for ages now. i don't suppose i've said what happened. but i've certainly explained how i'm going to tackle it.
