Friday, August 19, 2005
mumble jumble.
since i haven't been updating that frequently, i get tangles of thoguhts and sometimes i can't even get aroudn to sorting them. so much so that i forget them even before i start.
i missed math lecture today. me is bad bad girl. nah. i remember missing so many in NJ. and i didn't give a hoot and today deliberating over turning up for math took 20 minutes. geez. i'm decisive but sometimes i can't make decisions too and that's when i want others to make them for me(quote junjia). and like what damian says, we already made up our mind ages ago, we just couldn't reconcile what we wanted with what we needed to do.
so damian and i checked ourselves into the LD room. (holy cow, the stink was bad) and proceeded to study. we were successful for a grand total of 15 minutes. in which i finished 2 questions and damian read 5 pages.
then we started talking. and went on for ages. it seems that we've got loads of similarities and even the same kind of experiences in our previous schools which have shaped us into who we are today.
we are 'people' people. we enjoy solitude and yet can't be alone. we want individual identities but can't distance ourselves from people. we are rational thinkers.
before i used to hate myself for being too rational. my mind will logically dissect issues and look at it from many points of view and my impulsiveness was still not without thoughts on the consequences first.
i guess as a kid i was a lot more rash but that has changed. my rationality is both a strength and weakness. i'm able to consider various sides and make wiser decisions but it also means that i'm able to psycho myself into believing. simply coz my mind has the power to.
anyways, damian commented that i've changed quite a bit over the past year. have i? or was i always that way but i didn't show it as much?
or is it coz i'm more focused on the self and moving ahead and less concerned about other issues that used to haunt my waking soul. issues that periodically excited, exasperated, saddened, disappointed and duped me. issues that threw me off-balance at times and left me wandering about trying to find some kind of unstable equilibrium.
i wonder now whether i'm getting boring. boring coz there's just work work and more work. coz i can't even find time to indulge in idiotic pleasures. i barely read these days, and i don't do the nonsensical baking that always flopped. rather, i resort to instantaneous unwholesome solutions to boredom, like tv and shopping and what else does it make you feel other than emptiness?
i think it's time to watch Under the Tuscan Sun again. it's such a wholsome movie. you can almost smell the sunflowers, the rain and even the mud just by looking at the tv screen. almost taste the simple pleasures that we're forgetting.
i think it's time for a cry. i felt one coming a week ago or so. but i didn't want to give myself the pleasure of a good cry, neither did i want to start bawling before my mom. but i'm getting quite yeeaaaAAAAAAAAA!
eeekkkkkkKKKEEEEEkkkkKKKK! !@#$%^&&**()
i can't even make my thoughts flow. at times like these, i wish i never heard about GP. i used to be able to express myself so aptly and fluently in words and now i get tongue-tied. even my grammar disgusts me. the irony that GP made my english worse. it makes you talk and write in some unfeeling manner. but that's not the point.
don't even bother. i'm a goose. i can't even keep to a target for long enough. and i was thinking how my self-control was working and all. i don't see why i should get affected by anything. i mean it. i mean if it happens to be about you or realted to you then i guess yeah. but no. i'm supposed to be full of good cheer and not giving a hoot about trivial matters.
something's not right and i can't put my finger on it. and i don't even want to acknowledge it. and then i start psycho-ing myself into believing that there are reasons and excuses. my rationality and thought are so helping now. it's given me answers, just maybe not the ones i want to hear. and half the time i don't even think long enough to reach logical conclusions anyway. rather i'm in some floaty space and i'm floating. yeah right.
you know what? whatever.
don't even bother guessing. you won't hit the bull's eye. i don't believe i'm spoken about it. i'm perfectly capable of handling my own s***.
the problem is that there wasn't supposed to be a problem in the first place. and i can't make the problem go away, coz if it does then another problem about not having a problem to worry about would eventually be a problem too. there. it makes much sense don't it?
