Saturday, July 30, 2005
i am a contented girl.
yesterday my mom came to pick me after school to bring me to see the chinese doctor at people's park. and we ran into a family friend there. i'm not sick now but we decided to treat the root cause of all my problems and the doc said that i was too heaty. which magnified itself in a bunch of problems. so he advised me not to eat fried food, chili, peanuts, prawns and choclate. generally avoid all heaty thigns. chili's the one thing i can't quite live without. i don't eat excessively, but imagine life without chili? no chili with your cockles, no sambal kangkong, no tabasco sauce, no chili with chicken rice.. it's quite dismal. but i'm conoled that it's not total abstinence so maybe i'll eat it like once in 2 or 3 weeks?
as for prawns, thankfully i only enjoy the drunken and raw version so it ain't that bad.
and the doc gave me this medicine to boil which takes like forever(think 3 hours) to obtain this bowl of black mixture which tastes AWFUL! it's really bitter and salty. and i've got to drink 7 bowls of it. ack. i'm done with 3 already.
anyway. we went to maxwell market after seeing the doc and i ate pig's organs soup and hokkien mee. yum. and we bought Tong Heng egg tarts, finally satisfied my craving. hung around in town waiting for my sister and had dinner after that. my mom got me this top from British India. yay!
this morning, i woke up late. and we headed to the club to swim. but it was raining really heavily so we had lunch and waited. i swam eventually but it was awful cold. but i'm glad i got some exercise anyway.
went for evening mass and came home to do work. i slogged faithfully for some hours but didn't get that much done.
though i'll say, i think i finally get energetics! yay!
i'm hungry again. looking forward to tomorrow's dinner. going to check out the family pictures at Serangoon Broadway and then eat steamboat!
Thursday, July 28, 2005
i'm disgusted with myself. my health is a crumbling piece of shit.
it's the second day in a row i'm having a headache and i can't make it go away. it's the feeling that your head's so heavy it can't be supported with your neck and it makes you feel like bashing your neck and stretching it like a rubberband. anything as long as you get some semblance of feeling into it.
a few people have suggested that it is a likely sign of stress due to exams, prelims A's and whatnot. if it is, it's certainly subconscious since i'm still lazing in comparison with others.
and how can stress be magnified into such unpleasant bodily malfunctions? it's only 6 weeks before prelims(i know some people will beg to defer about the word 'only'
). i mean, what happens the day before? i'll get struck done with brain haemorrhage?
second reason for intense disgust. i came home by 2.15pm today. i didn't get started on work till 5.30pm. in between, i ate lunch again, ate a kiwi and a plum, played with my doggy, slept and read entertainment magazines.
mags! which brings me to my 3rd point. mr wong has seriously cautioned me about not reading enough informative material. i can't help it. the newspapers are so dry and distasteful. i'm trying to read a little, but if i read the whole paper, God help me..
and lastly, i'm sick, sick and tired of explaining myself over and over again. i'm plain exhausted. i've explained myself, tried to iron out creases and unwind tangles. and on a regular basis. and it's not even characteristic of me. usually i plain assume people understand and i don't owe ANYONE an explanation. i am my own person. i hate being maligned and i'm grown to try to fix others' problems or explain messes and misunderstandings. especially those which i'm involved in.
but now, i don't freaking care. sometimes it still eats me. and i get irritated. not coz it remains unsolved. i'm past that. irritated that anything should get to me. indifference like almost equals Nirvana.
and so here's it. i don't owe you or anybody an explanation. i may have faulted along the way, but haven't others too? what makes my case so interestingly special that i should be denied the right of making mistakes. i never suggested giving more than i was able to.
now i know sweeping the mess underneath the carpet is awful irresponsible and won't help the situation. but seems like everytime i clear the pile of garbage, it piles up again exponentially so why bother anymore. before anyone attempts to paint themselves as the victim or whatever, bear in mind that everyone takes sides, and sees things from many different perspectives. also, people born differently of different character handle situations differently. the scale of the problem is the same to everyone. i've just decided to laugh off the problem like i do with everyone else.
there are qualities we see in people which endear us to them. but not getting entangled in some web of whatever is certainly the safest bet. again i stress, i am my own person and that's the way it's gonna be.
| Your Power Color Is Magenta |
At Your Highest:
You energize yourself and push others to suceed.
At Your Lowest:
You feel frustrated and totally overwhelmed.
In Love:
You are suprised by who you attract. You're a love magnet.
How You're Attractive:
Open and free spirited, people want to explore the world with you.
Your Eternal Question:
"What is my next source of inspiration?" |
Monday, July 25, 2005
would you rather be:
a. plain water
b. deep shit and euphoria interchangeably
i choose b. true enough, these days, i can't say i'm really living b. generally i'm rather calm and just neutral about stuff. and i suppose i lived a fair bit of my life being plain water. though i suppose knowing myself i can't really be plain water.
but still, i wouldn't trade the shit and good stuff for plain water. the good and the bad come in equal doses and sometimes you just grin and bear it all. there are the days when you just wanna cry into your pillow and the days when you're so happy you just wanna scream and shout.
and there are the little unspoken gestures that you secretly says thanks for. like today, my bus came immediately when i reached the busstop. it takes anything between 10 and 20 minutes usually. and i was awful grateful coz i didn't want to get caught in the rain.
and if i may say so myself, i'm a bundle of good cheer. i'm glad that i can constantly amuse my family and make them laugh and smile at my odd statements and humour. i won't be able to if i were plain water.
looking at the 3 pictures on the template, i guess it really speaks for itself. the first one of a girl skipping along the beach, everything's captured in a flash. and love and romance in paris. all the little ideals i live for. i don't suppose everyone's capable of living that way.
but if there was a word, i'd say, out-of-this-world. in chinese, hong1 hong1 lie4 lie4.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
my mind is tangled ball of string. says i.
1. the US university fair was pretty fun. so nice to ask questions and have them answered. so good to feel inspired to work hard and motivated to pursue your dreams. i just hope it lasts long enough for me to accomplish what i want.
2. the study atmosphere is non-existent in HC. everyone doesn't look like they actually study. but i bet they do. i just can't find time to study. in between sleeping and watching a little tv, there's hardly enough time to do tutorials. forget about studying.
3. the self is formidable. not invincible. but certainly capable and powerful. not superhuman but still strong.
there's all these new words i'm learning. 'self-reliance', 'self-sufficiency', 'independent'.
the self can overcome and accmplish. the self can manage its own problems and difficulties. the self can triumph. the self can win.
the self is alone.
good night. tomorrow starts a new week of school and work.
God gives strength to the weary.
