Thursday, July 21, 2005
let's see. i won't be updating so frequently anymore. twice a week maybe. instead of surfing almost everyday. i realise there really isn't much to talk about. and i can spend my time more productively, say, reading a nice book or
attempting to do work.
1. have you ever looked at your watch or clock and wondered whether it was being lazy while you weren't staring at it? like it stopped or something?
2. today was racial harmony day! our class girls came dressed in saris and i did too! wore a brown sari with a gold silk bodice. bought a purple one initially but went back and exchanged it for the brown one. yeps junjia, good taste la.
so we took loads of pictures in school which i'll upload maybe this weekend. and we spent a lot of time tripping around and i believe holding our pee turned out into quite a major feat since the sari was way to hard to wear.
hmm.. suan shinwei and i saw the indian man/robber running yesterday. he wore one of our school PE tees and snuck in to steal students' bags. and today it was announced over PA. bummer for racial harmony.
3. i'm part of muggers' club and i've got a 'mug' root beer can to show for it. let's hope the fever lasts..
4. i believe i've got my composure about me. it's almost bulletproof even. i'd say i'm mostly able to take whatever i hear, intentional or unintentional. and mostly, it'll all fade. but sometimes certain topics are brought up and it drives right through a teeny hole in my composure. and i'll get sorry and mopey. these days i try not to think about the little hole and try to dress everything else a little prettier, a little brighter, a little happier and a little more deserved.
5. i am one single identity. not half of one or half of a pair. i can function independently but i can't ever be a part of a couple or anything. it's just me i guess. i clam up sometimes or respond adversely. and anyway, people seem to read me wrong all the time. like thinking i'm hostile all the time when it's supposed to represent a variety of other emotions. and sometimes i feel like i want explain myself. but frankly, if you don't know me then you probably never will.
geminis are complicated creatures. ask damian. we've got so many facades. and it takes time and patience and effort to understand our complexities. and i hate stereotypes.
there are times when i feel obliged to conform. to be a part of something. sometimes it's a subconscious action. sometimes it's the gemini. i hate believing in horoscopes. but it's proving to ba rather true at times. the way i speak, is largely influenced by the people around me. i can speak perfect english and fluent mandarin and sometimes i blunder and mutter broken sentences. not because i intend to. but because it just came out that way.
i hate being maligned. about everything. i refuse to admit anything which i'm not guilty of. if it isn't me, or wasn't me who did anything, i refuse to accept any generalisation. i'm not some grey area to be confused with others. but if something is true about me, then i will admit it surely. what is there to hide. everything blows over eventually.
6. i love my family. i don't know where that came from honestly. i just do. i love my dad and mom and my dear old sis. i think i was 7 and i was sitting on the toilet bowl and wondered where i came from. what was this intangible thing called a soul which made me live and breathe and walk and talk and most of all, feel. what made me, me. and i was 9 and going to sleep one night and i started imagining what would happen if my parents died. and i couldn't bear it so i ended up crying in bed till my mom came and found me. she said i was imagining nonsense. but it wasn't. i knew then and a long time before that that was gonna come true someday. maybe then she could reassure me with kind words and consolation. but until today, i still get into shocks and freak out that my family's gonna die and nothing pacifies me. and in everything that i do, i always want answers. i want someone to say yes and many times, to paraphrase the answer in many ways just to calm me and make me understand that something is certain. even if it's just a belief, it's almost as if blind faith will make it come true.
and yup. i love my family. and my doggy too. he's such a darling, though he bites me sometimes and pees everywhere. but he's so trusting so naive so childish in thought. and i love my bolster. 3 generations of them. Boltie I, Boltie II, Boltie III. they smell like me. i used to talk to it. almost as if it were so close that i needn't explain myself to it, it will always know.
7. i don't suppose i'm quite so normal am i?
8. here's a song. i heard it on Class 95. i love Class 95. i wake up to Until Sunrise. hear The Morning Express Show in the car. listen to At Work 2-5 thingy. Car Tunes in the evenings and Love Songs before i sleep. and i can't really take any other station. i love their weekends too. anyway, i love songs for their lyrics coz they mean so much.
I don't wanna lose you,
But I don't wanna use you
Just to have sombody by my side.
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry.
And I don't really matter
To anyone, anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door.
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough.
Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall.
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just want to have it all.
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change.
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough.
And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
Do you feel me beside you in your bed?
There beside you where I used to lay.
And there's a Danger in Loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
-- patty smyth,
sometimes love just ain't enoughain't that a nice song?
9. i'm gonna drink water. my cough is killing me.
