Saturday, June 18, 2005
i was browsing some old pictures. i realised that my highlighted hair in january looked pretty bad. the colour was just wrong. it's faded and gotten somewhat mixed up with my own hair and turned into some homogeneous brown which i quite like.
looking at the character analysis thing. i figure that the whole thing just summarises me as a brinjal aka eggplant. simply put, i'm hard to digest. i'd say i'm the sort of person that not everyone can take. i'm also the sort that you won't understand unless you take time to figure me out. i'm also the sort which people tend to misinterpret or misread which makes thing oh-so-fun.
and in the spirit of being truthful, i'll say..you go damian! it's not everyday that people speak openly about their insecurities. but considering it's him, and how he very openly discusses topics which people would rather sweep under the carpet.
just digressing, imagine having all the shit under the carpet that you see a whole mound? right, that's not the point.
so i'm gonna be very honest. i hate being lonely. what happened to wanting to stand alone, be apart, be ungiue? i sincerely have no idea. it's just every now and then i go into spasms of fear that i'm going to be very alone. and then i start hating myself for being dependent and so attached.
do you believe in wishes? i do, i believe that they don't come true.
do you believe in prayers? i do, i believe that they are answered, but not in the way you wanted.
and Lord? i'm sorry i'm of so little faith. that i keep questioning and wondering when all i shoudl do is put my trust in you. like i have before and i'll see answers, plans and results that you've got planned for me. but then sometimes, i honestly think You aren't listening. and anyway, why would someone so big and great like you wanna hear all my dumb prayers?
and i'm sorry i read the horoscope everyday. i know astrology is really bad. it attempts to rule your life through self-fulfilling prophecies and makeing you believe what mayn't be true. i know i didn't used to read it. i was totally off it for 2 years. but starting this year, i've reverted back to my old habits. but it seems to be the only thign with some answers, or maybe..questions?
i'm sorry that i'm not responding to your call. obviously i can't expect You to jump out in front of me and answer all my questions. i'm supposed to read You in the signs. but yu knwo how insecure and uncertain i am. even to the extent of asking which bus to board 3 times. sheryl asked me then to join Footprints in sec 4, daryl asked me to join the church choir last year and now kenny's asking me to be a befriender or sponsor for RCIY. i don't know if that's You calling me. but you see, whatever it is, i don't want to be a nun or prietess or sister or whatever. i love this earthly world. and i couldn't keep myself that way. plus i wanna have a family and kids and all those weird things which people here are plain gonna call me crazy. but i actually ask for pretty simple things.
i'm sorry i half-think You are not there and maybe don't exist. me a confirmed Catholic and all.
and i'm sorry i'm not grateful. i have so many blessings to be thankful for, but ain't there always missing pieces?
i'm sorry i have so many questions. but i don't ever seem to get answers. and anyhow, i'm too afraid to ask.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
i've recovered my lost sleep. and lost the slang which i adopted briefly for 3 days. i've also had a session of violent crying.
i didn't think i was
that upset especially since i could still laugh about it, albeit somewhat bitterly. but it wasn't till i came and ate dinner and related the story that i really lost it. was totally wheezing and sniffling, blowing my nose and trying to eat at the same time. quite embarassing frankly.
worse, i hate it when people get to me. that means that i was able to be indifferent about it. but whatever la. i do know though that i'm very grateful to all the other working partners that i have had the opportunity to work with successfully. as for this time round, i can say that i did get some experience and learning from it.
below is something i got off a webby.
Your birthstone is Alexandrite
The Mystical properties of Alexandrite
Alexandrite can assist one in centering the self, reinforcing self-esteem, and augmenting ones ability to experience joy.
Your birth tree is
Ash Tree, the Ambition
Uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with its fate, can be egoistic, very reliable and trustworthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule over heart, but takes partnership very serious.
pretty close ain't it? i can't say all traits are positive. but in some ways i think i'm quite happy with how i turned out. though i'm awful lazy.
"When you say I miss the things you do,
I just wanna get back close again to you.
But for now your voice is near enough.
How I miss you, and I miss you love.
And though all the days that pass me by so slow,
all the emptiness inside me flows all around,
and there's no way out.
I'm just thinkin' so much of you.
There was never any doubt.
I can wait forever if you say you'll be there too.
I can wait forever if you will.
I know it's worth it all to spend my life alone with you.
When it looked as though my life was wrong,
You took my love and gave it somewhere to belong.
I'll be here when hope is out of sight.
I just wish that I was next to you tonight.
And oh, I'll be reaching for you even though
You'll be somewhere else, my love.
We'll go like a bird on its way back home.
I could never let you go.
And I just want you to know...
Where are you now,
along with the thoughts we share?
Keep them strong somehow.
And you know I'll always be there. "
--
i can wait forever, air supply --
this song sprang into my mind yesterday during dinner. i think it's beautiful. one of my 2 favourite songs by air supply.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
i'm back! muahahaha!
it's almost unbelievable.
orginally i had intended to blog an entry on a few specific events and the fear of impending doom which was the camp. that was 3 days ago.
now, the camp's come and gone and i'm gonna give my 2-pence worth.
actually i'm gonna gloss. the events weren't particularly memorable.
1. it was great mixing with people from ITE and actually making new friends who are non-chinese. just casually chatting and all. but it was sad that i didn't actually mix with those people from HC who came. you'd think that camps would entail massive interaction and bonding and whatever. oh puh-leeze.
2. my tolerance and patience nearly ran out. and i perfected my icy 'don't-you-dare-defy-me' and my 'what-do-yo-think-you're-doing-testing-my-limits' glare. nothing to be proud of there. out of the 10 groups, my group had the greatest problem of not being enthusiastic and spontataneous. i did my part. all manner of weird forfeits for station games but i can't stand it when people don't give their all.
it's okay for campers. i mean, hey! they don't know what to expect. we're doing a job, it's a duty. and i may not always be the most responsible person, but i know when i'm down for the job and it's an almost indispensable role, i'm there.
3. i failed as a conversationalist. bubbly me doesn't keep frothing and boiling over. exchange occurs when there's a dialogue and i guess that didn't always happen.
and so for 60 hours of CIP. or not. no CIP would have honestly dragged me to camp. it was a combination of factors, like confronting your fears and hoping to achieve something.
i didn't give a thought as to what i'd learn, but i've certainly learnt certain traits about myself. i am made of sterner stuff.
God gifts us with trials. Grin and bear it.
now, i shall channel my focus to other stuff. block tests. i have to start. 12 days more. that's all i have. for everything.
