should i go?
i thought i won't. then i thought again.
i really don't deserve to. i never did what i promised to.

on a separate issue. i pondered a lot of things today. just thinking and thinking. and sleeping and eating and thinking.
we aren't really that young anymore. we can't just go and make mistakes. we can make decisions. like grown ups. but then we make mistakes and we can't just sob over them. the types or situations we face keep changing. and there comes a time when we have to face those which we didn't think could happen you know?
i've always prided myself in being to see things coming. sorta. even the most improbable, i'd still sort of guess. always trying to read others and draw my own conclusions. my head spins many times, though not always on the right issues like work and studies. but always calculating probability, i mean hell! i even play minesweeper in my brain!
then now and again, life hits you on the head with something and gee, "i really don't know life at all."

i was all chipper this morn. chipper through the math lect in which i spent more time interacting with my peers than hearing the lecturer explain a concept. then yihan and i hedaed over to the swimming complex to eat. we got really full and by the time math tut lolled round 2 hours later, i felt severely ill. i've never taken such a long time to eat in school before. 40 minutes trying to get the food down. pretty amazing.
but from then on. everything went downhill basically. math gp and bio lect just dragged. it wasn't just a physcially disabled thing. i was just talking about mood swings and acknowledging that mine are really severe. whoah. i had another bout of it today. it's so extreme. i'm starting to believe it ain't a teen thing after all. the funnest part of gp was drawing a bunch of ruubbish on yisheng's arm. a smiling crabby, a pile of shit and a fly, and a flower. manda's tortoise was quite cute too! by teh time the day ended, i looked pretty much drained and almost sick. quite amusing how my mental state can take a toll on your health.

skipped ld. openly told huilin. no point lying anyway. talked on the cell with yihan for too long till i got this headache from radiation.
met mich and hedaed back to st nix. i miss np. and all my lovable juniors. dear ole st nix has so few problems. i'd even do drills again. i'm kinda sad that once the sec 4s pass out, i'll have less reason to head back.
mich and i hung out at macs outside st nix till nine plus, having a light dinner and talking. we do the talk all and listen thing really well. one just shuts up and listens then opens up and talks on. oh and a vanilla cone costs 25 cents. i'm amazed.

i'm constantly discovering new things which catch you unawares. sometimes they pass in such a blur you almost think you had imagined it. sometimes it hits so hard you get a migraine.
i love doling out advice. i pride myself in giving others different points of view. to the best of my ability. but sometimes i don't know too. and sometimes, never been there, never done that.

gemini (may21 - jun21)
it's not just about romance. it's passion. this person's got every part of you on high alert. you are fascinated, entralled and hoping to get to know him better. take a deep breath.

i'm been thinking. i've livd at my house for 6 years. and yet it all felt as if it had passed by in a blur. the years before that were a lot more concrete. just occurred to me what the neighbours saw when everyday they'd see a girl pass by. from the smaller sizes of convent uniform, to the large sizes, to the beige variety i wear today. i've always felt pretty much the same.but certainly as you age, the neighbourhood ages with you. whoah, 6 years of walking on the same tarred road, shuffling my feet and dragging my shoes...

had chem remedial after school. then stayed back to watch my classmates run in the 8 x 200m heats. 4 guys and 4 girls. i love relays, watching all that team spirit, i almost wished i was running too. then we hung around and just talked and slacked till going home time rolled around.
i took the bus from the NJ bus stop. ran into potion and buffy. pretty surreal, standing there. and wondering how many faces i could spot.
'one by one, they faded into a distant memory. but never to be completely erased.'
pretty much summed up everything.

you know. i think i kinda like my life now. i mean, i may just be feeling that way temporarily. but i'm going to try keep it up. how can one's own happiness be dependent on others?
i'm failing my subjects, passed just math and gp. i'm hardly what you call sporty and active. but i'm armed with the self-certainty that i've tried. and i'm gonna keep trying. i daren't think too much ahead. the A's are very depressing.
still, it's easier to break into a smile, break out into a song, burst out laughing and you know, while you're at it, help others to too.

hmm..i'm trying to make this fast though it's gonna be a long entry. don't say you haven't been warned. but gotta be quick still. trying to watch an episode of gilmore tonight and must sleep early or i'll oversleep and miss the bus and end up nearly late like today.

i went for san's chalet on sat. maybe coz i had done the whole looking-forward to it thing too early so by the time it lolled around i wasn't too keen anymore. besides, it wasn't as close-knit as before and with weird vibes making themselves known. oh well. i didn't stay the whole thing too. just went home late and got a scolding from my sis. i just felt then and there like i had aged so much between last year's chalet and now. besides when i'm in one of my pensive moods, i tend to keep to myself. furthermore, i was spending a lot of time with mich voicing and pondering our thoughts, semi-oblivious to what was happening.

and today i went out for a drink with san, ray and mich. and had lunch with yihan in town.
and the most interesting part. i had napfa 5 items today. the last time that i'll ever be taking it. this is gonna sound really stupid. but the fact that i'll never get to push myself to beat my sit-and-reach score sounds kinda sad. i mean, i was all weirded out today trying to come to terms with my thought processes and then we have napfa.
and i just miss all the channeling of energy, concentration into a single cause. awaiting a single desired effect. it's been so long since i last had all my mind and heart on one solid goal. usually i'm always semi-absent, menaing some part of my brain is distracted with something else. but knowing that you have placed all focus on one single thing and positively directing your body to obey you. it's like you have control.

the past 2 days i've been feeling jaded. just tired and sick of everything. i mean, depressions, i've had before. but seldom, you can summarise everything which falls under one general category. nothing really seems to excite you. coz you are well-accquainted with the fact that nothing seems to last. you're upset that nothing you ever do seems to have positive outcomes(so explains my obsession with napfa). nothing seems to be either worth fighting for, or worth dying(metaphorically) for. sleep is your refuge, reading your escape from reality. this sounds rather bleak right? i'm kinda glad that i'm blogging now and not on sunday afternoon when blogger was down. coz i was way worse yesterday.
i mean, just looking at my results and i'm utterly convinced that my efforts don't seem to have made a difference. it's like nothing you ever do produces results. you're just carrying on with this endless pursuit of whatever that you're doing. not enjoying it, not knowing why you're doing it, just going on and on. coz your pragmatic mind says you can't stop. i'm hoping that i'll find my cause and reason. and everything will be made worthwhile. but for now, this song which i've been crazy over lately.

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
and feather canyons everywhere, I've looked at clouds that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and they snow on everyone.
So many things I would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
from up and down, and still somehow
it's cloud illusions I recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way that you feel
as every fairy tale comes real; I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. And you leave 'em laughing when you go
and if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
from give and take, and still somehow
it's love's illusions that I recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud, to say "I love you" right out loud,
dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way.
Oh but now old friends are acting strange, and they shake their heads, and they tell me that
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
from win and lose, and still somehow
it's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life at all.
-- joni mitchell, both sides now --

next. a quiz i took from mich's blog.
1. are you serious when it comes to relationships?
never been there. never done that. i would though. it's hardly a game.

2. are you afraid of commitments?
sometimes. if i'm needed, i'll always be there.

3. are you a risk taker?
yep. more so last time, less now. when you keep falling and beaking your leg, you take less risks yeah?

4. what can you say about long distance relationships?
sounds scary. the relationship itself is less scary that the thought of trying to keep it together.

5. can you love a person who doesn't love you?
yes. that's a really easy question.

6. do actions speak louder than words?
don't really know. i would think so.

7. have you felt/found true love?
it's supposed to be mutual right? so nope.

8. how can you feel that a person loves you?
i don't. i'm a dense idiot. who always misinterprets everything. including my bio questions.

9. are you good in handling relationships?
there isn't a good or bad here. you just do.

10. willing to give everything?
if the person's worth it.

11. best thing you've learned from loving?
it hurts when you don't get it back.

12. do you demand your loved one to change into someone else?
not that i know off. if they did, i don't see how you love them. since what you loved was what you saw at first?

13. would you let go of someone you love?
yes. i'd try at least.

14. are you a one-woman man & vice versa type of person?
it works both ways. made for each other.

15. is getting physical important in a relationship?
there are limits you know.

16. how do you express your love to someone?
you tell them to their face and get terribly burned. and you don't ever want to try again.

17. what is the major reason of a break up?
never been there. never done that.

18. most important ingredient/s in a relationship?
love and trust.

19. ever regret loving someone?
nope. even in not receiving, you coem to terms with yourself and you learn to grow stronger and hopefully more emotionally independent.

20. one thing you hate about love?
it's addictive.

21. one thing you like about love?
it's a drug. all all aspects. it cures, it's a stimulant.

22. are you in love?
my thought processes are still a little screwed up.

23. can you learn to love someone whom you don't love?
dunno. never been there, never done that.

24. worst thing in a relationship?
mutual interdependency. can't be without each other i guess. think metaphorically, tearing up a pair of siamese twins.

25. will you accept someone who broke your heart?
if there is still space in that heart of mine to love.

Xiaoyan
20
business
U of M-Ann Arbor


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