Saturday, February 26, 2005
jeez. what was i thinking? i woke up after a nice long 3 hr nap. and about 8, all the way till 11.30pm, i've been on time tunnel. in case you dunno what's that, it's a thick handout to research on some general knowledge. to increase our awareness. and further our acquaintance with great people. i picked that homework though it's less important, simply thinking that it will be a less consuming task. right. what insane mind of mine? since when is homework ever light? 3-4 hours on stuff and i haven't even finished it.
on the plus. i did read about them. lots of the great people, are scientists, inventors and smart alecs., unfortunately, they are also largely deranged. in a sense, most are unmarried, have some form of affair, have illegitimate kids, get afflicted with some disease. and the philosophers, have almost negative belief in any form of religion, they blaspheme, question and feed fires of thought. they also, get sent into exile or exhumed or refused burial in the church.
now this doesn't sounds exactly good right? moral of the story. don't be anything great.
yumyum. this is totally unrelated. but i ate a blush pear and a sweet plum for both lunch and dinner today. maybe too much cooling stuff so maybe i'll get a upset. but the blush pear's so pretty. you'd think pears are pretty much green or yellow. but this one's tawny, a lil' yellow with a red tinge and blush. like those you see in monet's paintings or something(had to flaunt my new-found knowledge).
concluding. i'm leaving soem food for thought.
"happiness is not an ideal of reason, but of imagination." -- kant.
" if you would not be forgotten, as soon as you're dead and rotten either write things worth reading, or do things worth the writing." -- benjamin franklin.
Friday, February 25, 2005
a clown sees a clown. and recognises a clown. a clown does not necessarily mean to be funny. a clown just is. a clown, i am.
interestingly, i've been a clown most of my life. primary school was the time when i realised that when a quiz asked me what character i was in school., it'd always be answered as class clown. but for some time in st nix, i forgot how to be clowny. maybe coz i didn't want to be a clown anymore. but to be treated more seriously. and assume some different image. i think i was being downright stupid. for all my dense-ness sometimes, i'm realising that being a clown is as much a skill as anything.
and being a clown deprives you of laughs. it's a tradeoff. perhaps some don't really get it. but clowns don't do much laughing themselves. rarely anyway. maybe a smirk, a raised eyebrow, a smile even. but a deep guffaw? think again.
to laugh, and be entertained, a clown has to find a fellow clown. though heaven knows, they are few and far between.
but before i bore you people about my thesis on clowns. i shall talk about little snippets at the cross-country meet today at turf city.
it started with a premonition that it wouldn't turn out good. last year's bears not very good memories. but that was soon forgotten.
i didn't run this year. yay! our class mass runners got roped in to be officials. so we were in charge of the drinks. initially i was wondering why we even bothered with dispensing the drinks. like can't they just get them themselves after the run? oh no. when the run ended. there were these guys. tonnes of them. inexhaustible. many from chinese high, thirsting for drinks. you'd think it was sky juice and not some really horrid-tasting orange syrup with water. we were standing behind the table. looking at them rush forward and grabs cups. positively humorous, then it was rather overwhelming.
and it got worse. the average runners started streaming in. oh jeez. there was one coller with drinks so it was kinda 'law of diminishing marginal returns'. and they just went and grabbed the cooler and rushed and snatched. they're chinese high boys. scary. they were shoving and pushing. quite disappointed with them. they need to get to hwa chong before they learn how to be civil.
i overheard an exchange between weiwen and debs.
weiwen: debs, where are you drinks?
sounded awful lot like, 'mother cow, where's your milk?" i started laughing and laughing. this belkly laugh which i haven't felt in ages. first of the year.
i shouted and screamed at the boys. must have freaked them. ha.
me: get into two lines. one left and one right. if you stand in between you're not getting a cup.
quite funny to think back now. but not then, i've got juice on my skirt, left sock, dribbled all over my shoes, my blouse, watch and my fingernails.
you may think i'm mad. but you know, it was actually quite fun.
especially the part where you get to focus all your concentration on one thing.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
i'm back! my comp crashed and it's been down for quite a while. and then, i didn't have time to surf. i shall comment on a number of events.
the weather's been pretty bad lately, with horrid air quality. makes everything feel really stifling. the asthmatics must have it pretty bad. with all this haze. and to think that singapore actually has bushfires. that's quite a first, never knew we had such stuff.
went for dramafeste last friday. it was great. i didn't really know what to expect honestly, i thouhgt people would just put up some predictable lovey-dovey plots with not too good acting. man, i was totally wrong. apollo, my fac, totally won.! we bagged 6 out of 8 titles. including best play! even if it wasn't my fac, i'd still support them! the play was great. so fresh and it really pulled at my heart strings. it made you feel the way they did. and the ending, this sad, slow and heart-wrenching voice sang "it's my party and i'll cry if i want to, cry if i want to, cry if i want to..you will cry too if it happened to you.." it was a great and really apt use of songs and suitable lyrics. if they say a picture paints a thousand words, songs paint THE feeling.
sat was really rushed. i met mich after ld. was late as usual. we just wanted to talk, so we ended up at j8. walking circles since we didn't want to eat. guess what? ken zhu from f4 was there launching his debut album so we saw him. walked to the VIP entrance by accident so he was like 2metres away. he's quite good looking and rather tall. but that's not the point.
we went back to st nix. the paint job's almost done. and i'm shocked. it's quite a ghastly colour. i understand that the resulting colour was a mix of all colours symbolising femininity. but it's quite a striking orange. the kind opposite the navy blue on a colleen colour pencil. not to mention, there's all these really weird combinations. there's lime green, popcorn yellow, purple, lavendar and some other weird stuff. quite scary. the pretty blue, pink and white's gone.
so anyway, i couldn't stay long due to the JTS(junior-treat-senior) we had that night. i hung around a little. and when i was just about to leave, my squad greeted me the same traditinal way as always "thank you ma'am, goodbly ma'am". gosh, it felt really good. so familiar and yet i hadn't heard it in so long. np's always held something special for me. and seeing the sec 2s i took then all sec 4s now, it's been really fast. somewhat saddening even. i wished i stayed on for unit day dinner, buzzing away with my squadmates whom i haven't seen since forever.
and sunday, we performed at some HDB flat in bukit batok. we rode in the lorry in the back(think of the standard lorries you see at chinese new year transporting lion dance troupes). the way there was jittery and very unfun. me a ball of nerves and all. but after the performance(yay it's over!) we sat the lorry back, singing songs like really horribly.
forgot to mention, my family met up with clara's and jeremy's family. we barely heard each other over the noise in the restaurant. but what really got to me was the topics of discussion. it was all work-related and academic stuff. what to do in the future, where to go, when to leave, for what course...after knowing them for almost 10 years, what we talk about has changed drastically. i'm not saying that i wanna sit and disucss the story plots of Enid Blyton books, or maybe play make-believe. but if every activity or conversation of the day is work-related it really makes life very unworth it. just like what's the point in seraching for meaning in life, if we were only to find it and realise it's all a sham, and to put it in my class' fashion, to 'pian-xiao-hai'(bluff small kids).
another incident. charsoh was quite out of it on jts night. so while we were waiting at AMK station for the train so i could head home, i tired to think of something to cheer her up.
me: just go home, have a nice long shower and get yourself between the sheets of your bed, sink in and lose yourself.
char: it works?
me: for me at least. i love my bed, it gives me pleasures no one can.
char: in what sense?
me: my bed catches me when i fall, unlike others who prolly cannot bear my weight or don't want to.
me: my pillow lets me rest my weary head when others either have shoulders too low or none for me to lean on.
me: my bolster lets me hug it for as long as i want without ever rejecting me.
me: my quilt envelops me in it's arms.
it was just a spur-of-the-moment thing. some impromptu crap which i thought of at the last minute. but how very true. i love my bed. it lets me sink in and forget, if only for a short few hours, that life can be so mundane, dull and unbearable.
and maybe that's why i'm always longing to be swallowed into nothingness.
