Saturday, January 22, 2005
went for STJ last night. it's seniors-treat-juniors. man they eat a lot. i guess it comes with the fact that they don't have to pay. what a rowdy bunch. reminded me somewhat of 04s28 in the first 3 months when we made so much noise.
bought a red halter! i'm a bods convert now! i guess the retail therapy was sorely needed after 2 weeks of school. louged around in HMV with yihan, debs and char. there's so many cds i want to experiment with but a little worried that i mayn't like them.
ate at marche. the bacardi shinwei ordered was a lot better than the tequila sunrise junjia got for me. off we went to istana park. intesresting how we can play quite corny games like bear&hunter and boom-ba-ring.
*sob*. was hoping to play volley at palawan with the class today. but didn't in the end. i really must! the next time.
today didn't start out too good honestly. i mean with my mom screaming at me to get up to head to curch, it was quite alarming.
but then on the way home from lunch, they started bickering about a tv cabinet which we're trying to dispose off. and by the time we got home, i interjected that we really shouldn't be screaming about a cabinet. then my mom started the 'nothing will be done if i didn't do it' and suddenly, we all had it.
i guess that was tops. i said, i really hate it when you mention 3-5 times a week how you dislike my irresponsibility, my tardiness, my incompetency and.. will you please get off my case (started bawling) and you know why i'm home late? probably coz i don't want to be home anymore'
i don't really know where the later part came from. sure i don't really like all the scrutiny. but i didn't know how much it had been affecting me. and frankly i was quite sick and tired.
the first couple of weeks of school have been soemwhat of a rollercoaster and the SATs too. i didn't quite get it out of my system last week so here's it bothering me now.
oh well. breakdowns. we all have it sometime. the first of the year for me. but my oh my, it's only january.
Friday, January 21, 2005
eeek!
*reprimands self* how can i be online now? SATs tomorrow!
i'm demented, tormented.
torn between screwing it up and trying to ace it.
i so didn't get through the word list. it's voluminous. there's like a couple of thousand words.
and you know, there's this feeling of why bother trying when it's not gonna work. but then there's this immense guilt. i really want to do well!
God help me. again.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
the night sky tonight's the prettiest i've seen since the year started. it has probably all but faded and yep, ever so ephemeral, but oh-so-beautiful too.
7.50pm. coming home from ld. the sky wasn't dark yet. not your usual blue with white or deep blue. it looked like the sky was waking from a deep sleep. there was luminous gray in the lighter hues of blue and some sparkly black in the darker shades. the sky was glowing literally. so clear, with nary a cloud in sight. i honestly wished i could turn of the streetlights which dulled the quiet wake of the sky.
half a moon in the sky, and if you would look a little closer, tiny little stars of silvery white.
and there was the breeze. not the chilly 'seeping through your bones'. but the buoyant gentle cool. it seem to seep through the layer of clothes but not in the least cold.
heavenly refreshing. the breeze washed over and washed away.
if i can walk home everyday with the evening sky, painted just the way it was today. or every other day.
i'd be content.
Monday, January 17, 2005
i was thinking i'll be content.
but no. it's just got me wanting more.
of what?
today's been pretty depressing. i started out the week really chipper and high. for no apparent reason. just pure unadulterated joy. at what i have no idea. yihan was saying what's up with me..since i just kept bouncing around.
then it started to drop. pe was bad. didn't feel too good. then i did some SATs and got almost 50% of the questions wrong. i guess it really went downhill from there. everything started to drag in a really slow fashion.
and usually i love the rain, the way it brings such cool breezes and makes you forget that Singapore is actually really hot. of course i'm no fan of the lightning and the thunder..(just hear me screech)
subsequently i went for bio tutorial. after school i was just hanging around waiting for ld to start. it was probably then when something started eating me.
it's kinda weird. since i've been pretty sane since school started. somehow, any negative feelings can be channeled somewhere. but this round, i wasn't angry with anyone. except maybe me. and i can't figure out why. it's just one of those 'no-feel-good' moments. the first for this year.
this feeling of emptiness. a lull in the tide. some null void with nothing to fill. i guess it's all so empty. truth is, whatever i throw myself into, may fill my schedule, but in some way, i'm feeling depleted.
i'm thinking it's just a random thought, possibly linked to some other mess of tangles which i'm clinging on to.
yet i can't help but feel, if i don't fill this void, it's just gonna be so empty, so empty.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
i'm supposed to be waiting for my hair to go dark brown now. it's the 3rd time i'm dyeing in 6 weeks. i feel quite sorry for my pitiful roots. actually i'm overtime now so it's gonna be oh-so-dark. boo.
the intresting thing is, my mom intentionally didn't do my fringe coz it's dark already. but now it's lighter than the rest of my head which makes it worse.
i've spent my whole weekend with tutorials and sats. i finished 2/3 of the 30 day crash course is 2 days. this is insufficient so i'll have to cover the word list. geez. sats is tough. really horrid. the english is enough to kill.
what's scaring me is that i actually did work the whole afternoon. only went out for dinner last night and for mass this morn. i did not watch ANY tv.
my parents went out to buy bedsheets today. so i asked for a red fitted sheet. but apparently they don't have one. i've been emaning to get one since before vdae last year. *sob*
so i've not got this thing in cream. and there's no fitted sheet.
i'm being such a priss and i know it. obviously i didn't outrightly say that i don't like it. but the whole reason that i picked white for my walls is so that everything i have will stand out. and contrast. now..cream bedsheets are so not my thing. cream is so.. bland. at least it has to go with something striking. but no. sigh. our tastes really differ too much.
and sometimes my dad goes "i know my girl so well" or for that matter, distant uncles and closer aunts. sometimes i really want to say "are you so sure you know me?" perhaps they do, or used to at least. but sometimes people or relatives think that afetr speaking to me for like 20 minutes they think they know me so well. quit it. if i can barely understand myself, what more you? maybe if they took a while to try figure me out, they might.
there's so many facades to a person.
sigh. that last bit was quite out of proportion right? must be too much sats. i am pretty saturated.
but before i'm so quick to point out anything, let's not forget that i can be quite a handful. and i can hardly blame anyone for not getting me. sometimes i don't too.
