Friday, October 29, 2004
I don’t even know where to begin. I started out chipper today. Last day of school and all. Not necessarily happy coz I’ve grown attached to the class and the different people and all. So 2 months being all by myself does seem rather lonely.
Then, we had the principal address and all. And then it freaking sank into me that hey! It’s really been a year. From day 1 in NJ, deciding to be spontaneous vivacious and enthusiastic, to day 1 in HC when I decided that no effort was worth it coz everything will be taken away..to today, with a light step, a glimmer of hope and a second chance. Freak, even the 30th anniversary video was touching, cried a little during the run of it.
Yadda yadda. Dawdled around, went for some briefing on the painting project! Yay! It’s tomorrow! Then finally we left the school at 1 plus and towned again. Kbox-ed then had dinner.
And you know. Girls. What else do we really do except talk? And we have lots to say. Even though we’ve talked so much, we seem to have this inexhaustible supply of things to talk about. And I guess, today was about recognising characteristics or flaws and embarking on self-improvement.
I may sound somewhat chipper so to speak. But really far from it.
I’ve had problems to deal with as a kid. Problems which don’t exist anymore. But they were problems then. Big problems. And I learnt then, never to be weak, or show any sign of weakness. Not to cry, and to fix problems myself. Hell, if I don’t fix it, who will?
And let’s say, for a girl, I’m tall and well-built. Large frame and all. And healthy for that matter. And with my past experience in NPCC, if anything, I’ve been dependable. Reliable. Maybe a little less now. But I was always there. To fix something when things went wrong. To be around when people didn’t turn up. Always on call. And my squadmates knew that no matter what happened..i’ll be there. I fix things.
I fix things for people. It’s just me. I’m the home-fix D.I.Y store. I pack the extra winter for my mom since she always under-packs. I carry the umbrella everywhere. I carry the luggage so my parents won’t need to carry them. I pack the first aid kit and medicine box when my dad doesn’t fly with us. Whether people intend for me to help, or want my help, I just step in and try to fix a problem. I don’t always succeed though I do to a certain extent.
It’s not that I don’t fall. I do too. There are times when I can’t deal. Times when all I wanna do is cry into my pillow and wait for the world to swallow me whole. I won’t ask for help if I don’t need it. Don’t mistake me, I’d love for people to help. But when I think I can manage, i will try fix it myself. Coz, if others can, then I should be able too right? I don’t usually get help, it just doesn’t occur to me since I’m used to doing things myself. And then I get blunt. When people ask if I’m okay, or if I need help..i seem to shun them. I give this ‘duh, I’m okay’ look. i think I am at least.
Don’t get me wrong. Coz there are the times when I look perpetually pissed. I’m not ya know. I’ve got thoughtful moments and quizzical moments. Reflective moments and all sorts. I’m not trying to disconnect myself from reality. I honestly want people to care. But then I’m a screwed up piece of shit and think I am self-sufficient.
And then I realise, I’m ‘ge er men’(brothers) to guys, and ‘jie mei men’(sisters to the girls. I’m the class clown, the whimsical class act, the stupid headstand and the invisible wall. I’m the entertainer but not entertained. Stand up comedians are lonely people. I’m the background music, good to have around but perfectly dispensable. I’m the jukebox, the thing which plays every song but never anyone’s cd to listen to over and over again. I give, and each time I pay out a little bit and well, nothing works out does it? and I just keep paying but how much is there to give?
I do want someone to catch me if I fall. Someone to hold the slack rope and reel me in, someone to depend on when I falter.
I may be Ms Fix It. but perhaps Ms Fix It needs some fixing herself.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
life's a spinning wheel which throws you off balance.
life's a bed of roses with all its thorns.
life's a neverending journey searching for what we cannot have but not necessarily want.
life's a big sadistic joke.
i just breezed through the ecology lecture. and then i had 4hr 40min to kill before the dropping subject talk. the class mass-ponned the econs lecture so i guess we're gonna get mass CS now.
towned again. in separate groups. char, yihan, debs and i went to macs and ate 4 EVMs and 20 nuggets. man, i felt really indigestible and sick after that. too much food! hung around and tried some clothes. damn i'm got large thighs! but the tube/halter at bods is nicee!
we took neos! again. this time finally with my updated hairstyle and debs new hair too! i love changing hairstyles. shall dye it over the hols?
anyway. something horrible happened which got me thinking about all the different fates of the occupants of the little classroom TA34, slackers of 04s28. i don't quite regret coming over. even dropping a sub now. but i just wonder how things would have turned out differently for all of us if we stayed as a class then.
o104s28 practically got dissolved after first 3 months. and we're leading such different lives. it's just that we've all gone about pursuing our own lives and chasing after different goals. and now, so many things have fallen through and caved in. those big portholes along the way. and frankly, though we all crossed paths once before, we've all veered off in the direction we have each chosen for ourself if not, been delegated to oneself.
we're all such diverse people. if i may say so myself. numerous different personalities within the 4 concrete walls of the small room. with the casement windows which let in the rain and the breeze. the inset doors which could never let a cardplayer get away and the cluster seating arragement system for bio tutorials. the paper pellet shooting..being late for math..bugging the tecaher to let us have recess during lessons. i just wonder, would it have been better if we stuck as a class? there'll be class outings soon. with all them old folks. betcha it'll be interesting.
i'm not looking back anymore. i've spent enough retarding time picking up what was left. and i'm not trading what i have now for what i threw away.
went to yisheng's blog just now. gonna have class outings! volleyball rox!
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
"and even when the trees
have just surrendered
to the harvest time
forfeiting their leaves in mid-september
and sending us inside
still i notice you
when change begins
and i embraced for cooler winds
i will offer thanks for
what has been
and what's to come
you are autumn"
-nicole nordeman,
every season-
lazy days. makes me wanna sing the seasame street song. sunny days..lalala...lalala.
except, there hasn't been much sun of late. that's a grave understatement. there's been so much rain, the clothes have got to be rewashed coz they keep getting wet and the clothes can't dry so they smell weird. just today, i went to school with damp socks and a cool feeling uniform. and the wrong shorts. ha.
so decided not to attend ld. i'm terrible. and my pres doesn't know what to do with me.
aside from that, today's the 2nd straight day we're eating macs. we keep having such extensively long breaks co we don't attend what we think is unnecessary. or coz we really have breaks. eat. eat. eat some more.
rehearsed pw again. i've been blabbering about the same crap till i'm bored with myself. and i need to make more amendments coz it's just not long enough. to think i exceeded by much before. pw's ending. rejoice. probably the only good thing that came out of it was getting to know my pw-mates better. oh and getting better comp skills. i never knew MS word had so many funcions.
so we towned again. yihan char and i ate at yoshinoya after we shopping at spotlight for thread. gave me a few ideas for the deco for the CIP xmas party. quite looking forward to it. freaking hope the room we're using is small. else die.
was really high today. so kept going, "i know!" and suggesting all manner of weird ideas for our theme dressing for the halloween party and other stuff. betcha we'll go as us. tried stupid things like 7 dwarves and Friends and disney female leads. we're so crap. that we shared anderson's of denmark. all we do is eat. then talk.
wanted to smuggle ourselves into kbox without paying then we chickened out. so we sat at the seats at cine and stoned. and blabbered some more. we were saying lots of stupid stuff which simply didn't make sense.
yihan: you're ferrarish.
me: huh? like a ferrari? or like furry?
yihan: what? right. i so don't own a ferrari.
me: what are you saying?
yihan: that you're full of rubbish.
me: (laughs uncontrollably untill yours truly starts a coughing fit. char thumps her on the back)
sometime later..we kept walking circles in more than words at cine. char has spent ages picking badges. we are just about to leave..
me: ooh. so cute. look at the lollipop!(launches into a thesis on lollipops)
char: i think she's mad.
yihan: someone get her out of here.
me: look, the sweet case is pink and can turn.(goes on to prod at every variation of sweeets)
me: look at this thing so cute and pretty. oh man! the main ingredient is sugar!
char: err..yah. i think you can tell but looking at the sweet itself.
yihan: (draws a blank)
me: i think i've lost my balls.(something doesn't sound right here)
yihan: no no. i think you've lost your marbles.
me: oh yah! marbles!
i think i've become a laughing giggoloo. i'm too unnaturally high. should go sleep.
