Saturday, October 23, 2004
"It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want"
-maroon5,
she will be loved
compromise. what a big word.
it encompasses so many things. self-sacrifice, graciousness, giving, loving, accomodating.
staying in NJ i'll probably never have use for this word. probably never even bothered to find out the price to own it. there just wasn't a cause to. i did what i wanted, how i wanted, when i wanted, for whom i wanted, for why i wanted. i'm not putting them down. it would have just been me.
but the consensus yihan and i came to. we're domesticated. and no, i'm not gonna start cooking fish porridge with pork floss though i might be able to. it's i don't know, when you learn to depend. when you learn to feel for others. i don't even know if i'm getting this right. but oh so true, i'm no longer a b**** which i may otherwise have turned out to be.
and so, i'm going to learn that noble word. for myself. and it's not going to be too hard.
yesterday was openhouse. it was okay. i nearly just keeled over and died when the day ended. performing twice and then walking all over the place and barely sitting at all. my ankle nearly just killed me. i wonder why we even bother with a performance. nobody really watches lion dance. it's just not quite as graceful, aesthetically-appealing or interesting. and you wonder why i joined. not to mention, all those weird looks from friends when they find out i'm in it.
ran into several st nix people there. my dear juniors. and i was wearing the big-headed dolly costume. totally freaked them out. they looked liked the shell-shocked faces on candid camera. cheryl, daph, potion, bron and tits also came over to look-see. so i caught up with them. haven't seen those NJ people in a while. watched anthon's judo performance(i find it highly amusing) then we went to mos at shaw with debs char and yihan to eat and stone till i ran into junjia, gilyn and boon xin. headed back with gilyn and fell asleep during dinner.
damn it. woke early today and whee! caught some darned bug. had these heavy-lidded eyes. like i couldn't open them. so i pia-ed pw. and around there, my engine must have shut down or something. went to school feeling like my head was too large. like what 5 hours of pw in the fish tank. gee.
some really immature people couldn't take us. for freak's sake, they were playing some staccato song on the piano there. sure, no rule there said that you must show consideration for other SL users. but with the enclosed area and dunno what. the piano was astoundingly loud. and did nothing for the crappy state i was in. to everyone's surprise. i walked up to the girl and asked her politely(hey i'm capable of being nice) if you could refrain from playing there since we were trying to have a pw discussion and couldn't even hear ourselves properly. she must have taken it as a personal insult. soon after, her sidekick came in to play the piano. i didn't know she was even related to girl #1. but she played a soothing and slow piece so we left it as that.
to our amusement. the whole pw group trooped in later and started playign noisily and poorly to irritate us. laughing and clapping and jumping up and down. you could even hear comments like let's build it up from slow and see whether they can take it. i suppose either they expected us to make them quit it again, or get immensely affected. of which, we happily did neither. ailin was completely disgusted, sharleen found it amusing, lileng was laughing and amazed that 17-year-olds are at it, mao was snickering and i did my pw. it was hard deciding whether to laugh or cry. as if it wasn't bad enough, girl #1 looked at me and glared. i coolly smiled back. and whoah! this whole troop of guys came in. liek 7 of them who had come to watch girl #1, girl #2 and girl #3 putting up a performance on the piano. we let them be. and i guess, after you play awhile and get so fed up since we didn't really care, they left. i bet tehy left feeling on top of the world. but i've played this childish game before, maybe like in primary 5. you get this sense of achievement. but i do know, that when you head home, you'll feel horribly ashamed like some prized idiot. what i awed is that HC has such people. you'd think they'd have a bit more sense. i supppose that learning culture and fine arts and being musically-inclined does not neccesarily corelate to being sophisticated, refined and upper-class.
went to meet mich after we ended pw. haven't met my toufu in ages. we ate at lips and talked for quite a while then walked around before i headed home at nine plus. i'm feeling marginally better now. after my tea and my queasy tummy has since stopped screwing up.
this has been a long entry and there's more to come. all i can say is, i'm not fantastically happy. but i'm feeling okay. not particularly happy or sad. i've had the worst year and in some ways, the best year. i've learned lessons which i would have otherwise never discovered. i don't suppose i should regret now. and given a choice, i won't go. the year's gonna close. even the christmas lights are up in orchard. but i'm gonna hold to a hope, after a less than satisfactory year(that's an understatement) something good will come out of it. and next year will be better. everything happens for a reason right?
(stop here or read on)
ripped this from mich's blog.
1| what is the brand of your hp?
samsung.
2| what'll you do if you see your gf/bf hugging a guy/girl?
freak out? i'll prolly demand an explanation after. otherwise i'll just freak.
3| have a gf/bf?
no.
4| have your own room?
yep.
5| hates?
insects, brinjal lotsa stuff.
6| fears?
never being loved. insects. the dark. ghosts. lots stuff.
7| where do you live?
singapore
8| what would you do if somone tells you he/she likes you?
dunno. reciprocate? depends la. i'll be touched.
9| how are you feeling now?
short-circuited, apprehensive, uncertain and hopeful.
10| where do you hangout?
home, school, around school, orchard?
11| what are you good at?
talking. making people laugh. playing aunt agony?
12| what will you do if you cant stand a person?
i can tolerate. else i'll avoid. and then there are times when i confront the person.
13| what do you want?
i want to be happy. in every way possible.
14| a word that describe you?
undecided.
15| what is your dream?
to be happily married in a house i built myself with kids and a dog.
16| day/night?
neither or both.
17| sunset/sunrise?
sunset. it so much sadder.
18| like a romantic bf/gf?
yeah.
19| what will you do if theres an opposite gender that attracts you?
fall.
20| are you an independent person?
not really. financially dependent, emotionally dependent.
21| do you like school?
it's okay. i'm starting to like it more. but then the exams just ended, see? not the lessons i suppose.
22| are you stubborn?
i can be.
23| believe in god?
i did. now, i still do, but my faith is a little screwed.
24| your favourite physical feature?
it was my teeth. now, either lips or hair.
25| believe in fate?
yep.
26| get pissed off easily?
i'm quick to getting pissed and quick to cool.
27| like your parents?
i love them.
28| are you a materialistic person?
to a certain extent. trying not to be.
29| believe in love?
i do. though i wonder why.
30)will you get a tattoo?
prolly not. though i'm tempted to get a girly one.
31)smoke?
nope. i don't like the smell.
32| club / pub?
frankly, i've never tried before. but i bet i'll like it.
33| will you forgive your gf/bf if he/she cheats on you?
depends. how much i love him.
34| will you expect your gf/bf to forgive you if you cheats on him/her?
prolly not. though i hope so.
35)were you on a trip recently?
i suppose it means holiday? i went to shanghai in march..
36| fav country?
britain, or NZ.
37) are you impatient?
sorta. but then i can be tolerant too. which surprises me.
38| which brands?
i can't relaly figure. since i wear what i feel is me. topshop, zara. but then, i'm into fox lately. whatever shows my personality.
39| do you organise parties often?
nah. it's tiring. though i don't midn helping.
40)do you have good friends?
yep.
41| do you think you are good looking?
sometimes but mostly no. not entirely. nah.
42| do you care about looks?
yes. and no. i care that i look good. and soemtimes i care about that in others. but then, i don't mind a lot of times too. so ya.
43| do you think that you are a good gf/bf?
dunno. never tried.
44| do you use vulgarities?
yeah. the english ones. somehow when refined speech fails to convey the extent and intensity of feelings, you need vulgarities. they have the edge.
45| do you quarrel with people easily?
nope. i get pissed. but i quarrel when i'm maligned. i neven't gotten really angry this year.
46| are you forgiving?
yeah. but less if i think you're close. coz i will seem to expect understanding.
47| do you get hurt easily?
i dunno. mostly. if i care about you and what you say, then yeha. if i don't then no. so i guess yes right?
48| do you prefer guys/girls wif long/short hair?
i suppose it's guys they're asking. short hair? it doesn't matter. so long it's not like filthy hair. or the really long ones.
49| do you prefer slp or eat?
both. i can't choose. i love sleep. and i love eating too.
50| is your hair colored?
nope. i wanna get it done.b tu i can't and haven't. we'll see.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
And I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory
[Chorus:]
Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me
I don't want to call my friends
They might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that's been
[Chorus]
-dido,
here with me-
closed chapter 15.
a tentative title for our pw project.
yeah. closed it will be. soon.
along with a whole host of experiences, good memories, bad memories, memories.
and the unforgettable moments.
i'm appalled that i can even speak so very calmly about pw. considering i have just spent 3 hours wrestling with it.
wishing oh-so-badly that the computer screen was just a tad larger, that i may fit all the pages at a shot and i won't have to scroll 20+ pages of wordy report.
i should say that under what i have learnt from pw is computer skills. a lame reflection but 100% true. fact is, i never knew how to draw a graph, pie-chart or flow chart before this. didn't know how to fix footnotes or include flamingtext. well, now i know ever such a little bit more.
*sob* ain't we all sad to let it go?
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
ohnoohnoohnoohnoohnoohnoohnoohnoohnoohno.
i should be doing pw now. doing the claim to fame and compiling the 3rd draft. but frankly i don't wanna start. and if i don't do my claim to fame, then i won't pass the file to mao tomorrow. which means the GPF progress will be halted. and if i don't compile the WR then we'll die. so royally screwed.
pw. the only thing i ever seem to do these days.
and today's pw lesson was chaotic.
our group presentation was awful. really uncoordinated. my nerves didn't help either. i started stuttering like some lamebird. and the points i listed were so off. my brain wouldn't even be kind enough to think of varied and logical connectors so everything i said was practically structurally incorrect.
i guess she was a little off her rocker trying to tackle our class. i mean, we're not exactly friendly towards her. but today was really terrible.
i'd say we contradicted everything she said not just coz she wasn't entirely correct but perhaps more out of deliberation. and her face was as black as night you could say. she totally drained me dry.
i'm really brain dead now.
2nd point. i'm so friggin' fortunate. scraping 3 Os and a really borderline E, really hits home how darn scary it'd be if i didn't make it. so close. GP was surprising. i actually got a B4. after a whole year of D7.
3rd pt. i don't want to believe. i must not believe. it's prolly just a self-fulfilling prophecy. ain't everything always?
the odds are prolly all there before me. and hell, i've even weighed it out before. the improbability of it. but now it's heading to the impossibility of it.
i think i must possess inferior genes.
or some lousy genetic make up.
i guess you can reach this thing called a compromise. but that word's pretty foreign to me. i mean, over the years, i've mellowed and learn to reach some sort of common ground. but i'm going to have to learn consideration, generosity, graciousness, compassion and empathy.
will this necessarily mean a loss of self? that's the problem, i don't even one to compromise myself. and how far will i go to give?
well, one never finds out. you gotta test your limits first.
die! jerk. the jerk is me.
Monday, October 18, 2004
"Welcome to the real world", she said to me
Condescendingly
Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding
Up my sleeve
They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side
**I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above**
So the good boys and girls take the so called right track
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits
Maybe transfers
They read all the books but they can't find the answers
And all of our parents
They're getting older
I wonder if they've wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies
They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side
****
I am invincible
As long as I'm alive
****
I just can't wait til my 10 year reunion
I'm gonna bust down the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all this time was for
-john mayer,
no such thing-
how very true.
we keep searching for answers to questions we don't even know.
when all's said and done, when you've walked to the end of the road..
will you know any more than when you had started?
when everything's put down, bare facts on paper..
have we much to be proud of?
i tell ya. God heard me. He honestly did.
there are these times so very often when i sincerely doubt whether he hears my prayers. coz what i ask for, i'm not always granted. but duh, He's not father christmas. so i can't possibly expect to receive whatever i ask for.
but then, He saves me from my most horrible death during the exams.
so i can conclude that what i don't get, i just wasn't meant to. that doesn't sounds too good.
so. anyway. i got back chem and econs. i failed chem. naturally. but despite by most horrible block test grade, i managed a near pass for chem.
econs. block tests actually helped. like whoah. so now.., i passed econs! i got my E. E O O. i just hope i don't F bio.
either way, if i keep my fingers crossed, i'm still gonna be a 04s71er!
breathe! it's good to be alive!
i cut bangs. not that i didn't have it initially. but it's real straight across now. like a china doll. i love my bangs! so ego eh?
my mom was like, what did you do to your hair?
i keep thinking that people are giving me weird looks. sure, it's odd to cut to freaking straight. but it's what i want. and so it shall be.
PW! it's heaping piling, adding! the OP rehearsal is tomorrow. oh darn. i so don't wanna stand up in front of the class and say some gibberish about this horrid thing! it's one thing saying some dumbass joke. another to be reading something which, hey! makes sense? or not.
i feel appreciated. knowing that i'm not just a fleeting shadow of someone. or the remnants of a thought.
truly, it's not the big things. but the little moments which hold true as the fondest memories in our hearts.
i mean, hey! what have i done other than run of in all different directions. or generally sit out on class stuffs. but hell, i'm still somebody. who left an impression, who did something(i wonder what), left an impact, made a difference.
and it's warming to know you're worth it.
