Saturday, October 02, 2004
studying isn't so terrible afterall.
sure. i go through bouts of hardworkingness and laziness. but studying arms me with reason. and use.
it makes you feel that you're working for leisure and deems you self-righteous for claiming your bit of fun.
and i guess, once you stop fretting over what will come. once you throw yourself in with the hope of giving your best. you're there.
previously, i'll constantly worry over what will happen coz i knew then, that i could have done better each time. always.
now, i'm doing what i can, making do with what i have, trying to understand and comprehend things i haven't bothered for the last year. and i know, i gave what i could.
will i make it?
that's another story for another day.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
“I will also give to each one who wins the victory a white stone with a new name written on it.” – revelation 2:17 –
The road ahead is so bright a fresh name is needed. Your eternity is so special no common name will do.
So God has one reserved just for you. There is more to your life than you ever thought. There is more to your story that what you have read…
And so I plead…be there when God whispers your name.
Don’t expect to receive if you don’t give.
Are friends meant to last a lifetime? I would like them to. But I’m seeing certain people gradually fade from my life. It don’t matter for those who were never really there. Those who sat in the background. But for those who held pivotal roles in life, perhaps time is up.
I guess people don’t really realise the impact they make on others.
Some things are better left unsaid. I don’t really believe it. But I do believe sometimes you’re better off not knowing.
I wonder why I even bothered coming online today. I’ve started coming online less. I even thought about what I’d do if I came online. And suddenly, I realised that there was nothing worth knowing. Stupidly, I still did. And then, I learn things I wish I never knew. And then, I hate myself for knowing. For not being able to un-know. For even caring.
I don’t even want to bother about trying to be coherent. Don’t figure out if you don’t want to. Don’t f***ing care. I don’t even know why I care.
Coz I do right?
Dammit I do. I can’t even not be vulgar. Just that so many things matter. I don’t friggin’ care now that I’m being ambiguous or that I have to explain my topic sentence. I just do. About so many things I can’t understand why. Why can’t I be carefree and laidback? Why can’t I just be content with being me and doing things my way? Why do I stop to think about others? Ain’t I self-centred? Why can’t one thing go right?
I can’t imagine why anyone in the right mind will say things will be alright. It won’t. if it’s taken so long, it’ll take forever. I’m not in any worse a state now. At least I’m not bawling my heart out. Not yet anyway. I’m still in one piece. Or more like many pieces strung together. But you ask, what more do I want? I want a semblance of what I used to have. But then I’ll have to give up yihan debs and char who came in the package with everything which sucked.
They make me feel it’s worth it to make others happy. But then I have this f***ing life that’s spinning out of control. And nothing I’m doing or not doing is making it better. I don’t know which is worse, dealing with shit or the aftermath I’m learning to clean up.
If I’m gonna get any white stone, then let me start again.
Thank God for my sister. She helps me refocus. Helps me remember the little good around. She makes so many things horrible seem just a little better. But even then, I can’t throw everything to her.
Sometimes, I think I’m better off dead.
