Friday, September 24, 2004
the exams started today. took the GP paper.spoke to my gp teach regarding a previous effort yesterday after school. guess what? i failed. again. surprise surprise. i told her i was a scatterbrained idiot. she said i admitted it myself and that my arguments needed more discipline and organisation. she's right. the entire essay was a summary of my life. a failure, a disorganised mess. a jumble of thoughts. suddenly, i realised that my room is a mess and so is everything else. and to think it was reflected in my writing. all you need is to pop the balloon with a pin and everythign will come gushing out. my thoughts, lack of confidence, tears, helplessness, whatever. and today, all i wrote was 3 pages of bulls***.
to make things worse, i misplaced my ez-link. we needed it for identification purposes for the promos so i left it on the exam table by mistake. then i went home after school ended at 4 and boarded the bus, only to figure that whee! i couldn't tap the card. checked my wallet and realised it wasn't there. but what with the conductor standing right behind me, i decided to just go aheda and pay a dollar coin for my fare and check my pencil case. it wasn't there naturally. so i got off. 2 bustops later when i was almost on the expressway. i had all of 2 five cent coins and seriously that wasn't gonna get me a second bus trip. i totally panicked and called yihan and walked the freaking long distance back to HC, all the time telling myself that i'll walk it a few more times if i find my card. buzzed jiayan and she came with me to find it. thanks litey! i love you. we found it in the hall but had to get the guard to unlock the doors for us. i am a scatterbrain. it wasn't so much losing teh card, i mean hey! yeah that's bad. but teh fact that i'm misplacing things again after being relatively loss-free is getting to me.
got on 74 again. alighted at the middle bustop and slammed my head into the convex mirror overhead. like i ain't stupid enough without losing more brain cells by knocking my head?
the class celebrated char's birthday today. i feel happy for her. i mean she's having trouble working out everything so it's good that good things happen. but then it got me thinking, should i have been born later? like december or something. i mena, 6 months isn't a lot. but sometimes i just feel that i can't fix things when i should since i'm technically older. if i was born earlier, then i should be more able. and then other times, i feel that though we're the same age, i'm automatically compelled to work things out. like i shoudl handle more. then sometimes i feel old. and i can't feign innocence or ignorance since i obviously know. i want the freedom which comes with age but not the responsibility. sure, i did what the gp compre said we should do regularly. reflect. but i don't feel any sense of direction other than the fact that i realise i have no direction.
and then to top it off. this whole entry is the second time i'm typing it. i stupidly got my foot tangled in the computer wires and pulled the plug at 7 plus. i f***ing lost the entry and here i am tying it again. this has definitely got to be one of the crummiest days.
it's a wonder how things can botch up all at the same time. and how the little things add up to become a big thing which totally gets to you. if anything, today i certainly found out that i loathe myself for my incompetence and disability to do things.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
MAF on saturday was okay. but it felt really weird. like all of a sudden, there's nothing to rehearse for. it felt so empty.
the light up was quite nice though and i took some pictures. gonna add together with everything else and upload soon.
"Do not be bitter or angry or mad. Never shout angrily or say things to hurt others." -Ephesians 4:31
Hatred will sour your outlook and break your back. the load of bitterness is simply too heavy. your knees will buckle under the strain, and your heart will break beneath the weight. the mountain before you is steep enough without the heaviness of hatred on your back. the wisest choice is for you to drop the anger. you will never be called upon to give anyone more grace than God has already given you.
"Lord, show us the Father. That is all we need." -John 14:8
Faith begins when you see God on the mountain and you are in the valley and you know that you're too weak to make the climb. You see what you need...you see what you have...and what you have isn't enough to accomplish anything...
Faith that begins with fear will end up nearer the Father.
for every trial i'm facing, i trust that it's a test for me. that i will survive and pull through. and when it's apparently too heavy, You would take it away. or take me through.
but when it gets to hard to take, i sometimes doubt how much i'm supposed to survive before i see the end.
if it were to continue, then please life me along. it's simply too hard to crawl.
