Friday, September 17, 2004
pictures here!
sei outing
whoah. big confession coming up!
i think i actually like going to school. i mean, i'm not refering to school itself. that pretty much sucks big time. i mean, hey! i can think of many more things i'd rather do.
it's the company, the people, the class.
i mean, i find it so hard to admit, but if i didn't come, i wouldn't have met such a brilliant bunch of people and it'd be grief. though it's true, that what you never had, you'd never know.
the first 3 months was a better envioronment for studying, and being my best. but through thrashing around and floundering i've learnt some lesssons too. made a bunch of cool friends who'll stick by me. people whom i can pour my heart out to. hell, they know stuff i've never said otherwise. i'm lucky. you don't find so many cool friends in such a small class.
and worse. i'm gonna say i enjoy PE! mad. i think i must have lost my mind. but true. between the volleyball, the crazy swimming game we played on monday and the rock-climbing today. i'll definitely ache tomorrow and that's bad idea coz MAF is finally here! and the performance is tomorrow, can't afford to conk out.
the rock climbing was good. sure, i didn't make it to the top. and it's physically draining. felt the blood rushign out of my hands and backwards. and suddenly, you're limbs just run out of energy to push on. and your muscles defy your orders and start going into spasms of their own. but it felt so good. the drive, the want, the desire. it's just been so damn long since i wanted to do soemthing. and i knew i wanted to get up there, straining every muscle to hurl yourself gravity-defying upwards.
so maybe i sleep in lectures. no biggie. i'll deal.
i even passed my chem MCQ. i studied and i'm sad i didn't ace it. but 66.6% is a good start. from every fail i've had so far.
but now that i'm finally beginning to come to terms with and enjoy what i'm doing, i'm scared i'm gonna just lose it all.
the very people who make school worthwhile.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
I don't have perfect knowledge. And I’m learning everyday. About so many things not found in books.
And I can only feel numbed and sad.
For some incidents yesterday..
I’m disappointed. Sorely. Someone made a promise and didn’t honour it ultimately. I surprised since it was all agreed upon and it affects the credibility of my work for pw. not that I wanna blame him intentionally, but it did start with him. And I guess the least he can do is clear up the mess. But no.
I’m also touched by another happening. My classmate kindly asked if I was pissed about something. I wasn’t the least bothered but it is heartening.
A friend’s choosing where to go on from sec sch. Sure, it’s his business. And he knows what he wants. More or less. And it doesn’t bode well for me to influence his decision. I guess another would take sides with him. I don’t want to start arguing about anything or try to make decisions for them.
What can I say? Don’t do things you’ll regret. I can only speak from my limited experience. I’ve swallowed bitter pills and it’s better to be forewarned right? But then, some of us need to burn our fingertips to learn. Yours truly for example.
The weather’s been really cool the past few days. Standing at the U-shaped block, it feels so cold it’s hardly Singapore. And it brings about the awakening of the senses. Cold, cold. To slap your face and wake you from deep slumber.
I failed my GP compre. It amazes me. Especially since I’m making an effort. But I can’t seem to change my grades. I just felt close to tears. It’s my fault if I screw up the other subjects. But GP! Sure, it’s not English. But at least I could have expected better. And it wasn’t a near pass for that matter.
It already takes so much to try. But if I were to fall on my knees every time, would I still try? Helplessness. I don’t know what to do. There’s all this work. Sure, it became a mountain since I didn’t start on the hill. But can’t a girl lose it even for a second?
I did watch Idol today. I’m really glad Sylvester got in. he has this really pleasant voice which totally gets to you. And he sounds real. I voted. I’m glad I did.
I’m ambiguous.
but nothing’s ever in black or white. There’s all these grey areas. Even the waterbeds run grey.
am I to be faulted for being heard to fathom?
Sunday, September 12, 2004
*sob*
it's back to school tomorrow. honestly, it isn't such a bad idea since this hols were practically un-hols. though there was a certain good day which did rather make up for it.
san came back for a night. didn't get to meet her. she was back and gone before i even knew it. man, she and ray really have it bad. long distance and all. i really think they'll do getting married eventually. and it's looking at people like them when you think true love really exists and will stand the test of time. how else can we continue to staunchly believe without testimonials tried and true when everything around just literally falls apart?
was packing my notes today. lectures alone can fill up the whole file, without even adding in the tutorials that we do. not that i did any this year. i realised i haven't done a single chem tutorial the whole year, so explains my 1/30 for chem test. and bio, gawd, how many pages of notes to be read? try like 1000 pages. of puny fonts and all.
all my fault. so i'll just have to 'yao jing ya guan' and pull through. it's things like these when you can't blame anyone else when you get way low.
lastly. another time when this rings true. when you want somethign done, it always goes the opposite way. i'm trying to find you. but you seem to have disappeared from the face of the earth. i mean it. like vanished. maybe i've waited too long. and i'm scared when i do find you, it's gonna be something bad. aye.
