mmm..

i'll say i've been either a bundle of activity or a state of immobility.
either rushing headfirst into things or showing disinterest and indifference.
the only thing that tipped the balance was whether i cared.
i was a brain of thoughts, ineterests, masked goals and numerous distractions.
scuttling about like a chicken with no particular direction in mind.
it's time to ponder. to slow down. or start the engine.
enough is enough.
no point searching for perfection and fulfilment in others what i want in myself.
i have more urgent and immediate tasks at hand.
should i fail, it will be regret plaguing me into non-existence.
to show that i care, it's time to get started.

oh darn. these blogs get on my nerves. they are diaries. so maybe public. but diaries nonetheless. and sometimes, i feel like i have to censor what i say.

to get to the point.
i played volleyball with the guys. it's really enjoyable. i mean, after playing 4 years of captain's ball due to st nix tradition, and Np tradition, you can imagine how sick i am of captain's ball. i love volleyball. it's a great ending to a week. hitting the darned ball. whacking it for all you're worth. it's sad that a lot of girls don't like to play volleyball. so you have like a whole bunch of girls playing netball or captain's ball and the guys playing volley. it's amusing, entertaining and stunning to watch them play(no, don't even go there). they don't even look like they exert any energy at all. even not going out on fridays, but staying back an extra hour after PE to play volley, it's worth it. you roll over just laughing and grinning. even if i don't always get to hit that ball, i have ball phobia :)
just today, i sidestepped the ball coz anthon whacked it and man, it flies fast. used to back to block the ball. then the guys freaked and thought i was injured or something. i mean, they play rough and all, but they can be nice. (surprise! surprise!) i hope we get to pl;ay volley when term 4 starts. oh shit. panic just gripped me. what if i don't promote, then i won't get to play volley anymore! ah!

right relax. debs, yihan, shar and i sat around discussing what we should do for the one day in the hols. yay! we're going out! yeah. then debs and i went shopping. it was rathe runsatisfactory at first. but we ate. yum! this german sausages and buns with this austrian drink which is made of herbs. really yummy. at PS basement. and we shared Andersons of Debmark, 3 yummy scoops or danish nougat, belgian choc chip and mocha almond fudge. on a crunchy wafer. then we started freaking over the number of calories. at least i was freaking. wanted to take neoprint, but then guilt hit us like a big yellow school bus so we continued shopping. saw this pink top and white jacket which i'm so gonna get. next week. definitely.

*disconnected*
i'm relieved. so relieved i'll accept any dumb illogical reason. i'm a jumbled bunch of thoughts.
i'm walking into walls. i'm bruised with bumps. even if it takes forever to find, i'll be seeking. perhaps i'm groping in the darkness, but i'll find what i'm searching for. eventually.
to my lovable close friends. don't mind me; i'm just being disillusioned, illogical, preoccupied, short-sighted me.

if you see me walking down the street
staring at the sky
dragging my two feet
you just passed me by
it's still makes me cry
but you can make me whole again

if you see me with another man
laughing and joking
doing what i can
i won't put you down
coz i want you aoround
you can make me whole again

looking back on when we first met
i cannot escape and i cannot forget
baby you're the one
used to turn me on
you can make me whole again

time is laying heavy on my heart
seems i've got too much of it
since we've been apart
my friends make me smile
if only for a while
you can make me whole again

looking back on when we first met
i cannot escape and i cannot forget
baby you're teh one
used to turn me on
you can make me whole again

so now i'll have to wait
but baby if you change your mind
don't be too late
coz i just can't go on
it's already been too long
but you can make me whole again

looking back on when we first met
i cnanot escape and i cannot forget
baby you're the one
used to turn me on
you can make me whole again

-whole again, atomic kitten-

paranoia. that's me. forever plagued by it. it's almost pure entertainment in its raw form, teh things i worry about.
riding a ship, that'll crash like the titanic. then i worry that planes will crash and so sit SIA but then, didn't that crash too?
at my best, i can link every thought to one same thing, how a thing/event/situation/person is not gonna succeed. and did i mention..it's usually me.

this isn't any common emotion. and it's definitely no lifejacket.

usually, a mild case will mean restlessness or being preoccupied. a massive attack winds up with me going utterly panicky and absurd to the point of disbelief. followed by a few nights of insomnia ending finally in a weeping breakdown.
i know it's hard to envision. but the fact is. it's so true. i know most people will just think i'm crazy. i didn't always have this problem you know. it started building up over the last 5 years and now i have massive attacks whenever my parents go overseas or when major exams come round, or interpersonal relationships.

the thing is, i think i'm on the brink of another.
i'm scared. i'm scared i'll die before the exams end. what if i don't pass the exams? what if i die and i'll never be able to play again? what if i fail and have to redo my whole year again? it's madness to even begin questioning all these..because, maybe by second-guessing myself..i'll make everything come true? or perhaps, by thinking of all the worst-possible scenarios i can somehow vaccinate myself against it?

these days, i wonder what my heart is. i'm a huge ball of thoughts. lots of them. lost in them. somehow, no matter what i'm doing whatsoever, my mind seems to veer off in a certain direction. and telling myself not to think does not work. coz then my brain goes into autopilot repeating 'don't think' to myself.
a whole mass of string. lots of string wound and knotted. i can't seem to sort through the mess. coz honestly i don't know either. and untangling myself just means getting stuck and trapped further. i want to know too. so much. but i can't figure my own messed up brain cells. maybe i lost too many slamming teh lion head on my skull, maybe i slept and left them in dreamland.

im afraid that if i see my heart before me. it'll be one empty shell. you don't just keep giving you know. and perhaps if i got my tapestry of life, it'd mayn't be there. just a black sooty disintegrated pile of ash. what if i live right till the end and never ever really got to understand what i was living for? for that matter..why do i keep questioning?

it's time to throw out my anchor and sink myself into the soil. i can't keep drifting. i'll wake to find myself floating in non-existence really soon.

i bought my bag! it's like cheap. for puma at least since the nike one is like 50 bucks and less adorable. so glad i held out for it.

studied in the library with debs and yihan today. wasn't that productive in my case. bio was so infuriating so i couldn't really finish much. but nonetheless, more than i'd do if i was home.

i'm so screwed for the econs lecture test tomorrow. i haven't prepapred and my brains are blown. have this feeling i won't start preparing for it either.

pondering over what yihan said.
stand-up comedians make others laugh with their antics but in the quiet company of close ones and solitude, they don't laugh. perhaps they are too tire of their jokes? or perhaps there's nothing funny in their opinion.
i do stand-up too. i miss belly laughs. the one which gets you laughing till your sides ache, your tummy hurts and your jaw's sore. i haven't had that since P6 and the stupid lauhing game with tea which i played with clara. we drank a cup of tea for every time we laughed. gawd, i was bloated with tea and clara got a tummyache after that. eventually she quarreled with me for the first time for getting her into a state with a bad tummyache. that was a laugh.
ken does stand-up too. he gets you laughing like crazy. with all the darned corny things he says. but honestly, then how much does he laugh?

if some are here to inspire, then who's to make us inspired?

yesterday was pretty cool. went to school and left at 8.30 after the dumb aces day workout. char, yihan and i went to KAP for breakfast and met mao, anthon and khengwee.
it was the best part of the day in my opinion. we just satthere till 11 plus talking and talking. getting to know each other better you would say.
yet, it's scary, that we didn't even care when we left school. gone are the days when we did something wrong and felt ever so guilty. char and i decided that we won't go back to our old schools. i don't want it to be obligatory and all. i love st nix. the people there. but i was never really close to the teachers you see.

char and i went to kino and hung around reading mags till yihan joined us and we hedaed to HMV to browse. i saw thi cute pink puma bag. maybe i will get it? ssshhh.

time to go change. going to the library with yihan and debs. it's time to put our faces into books.

warning: it's gonna be one messed up entry.

i can't even begin to organise my thoughts. yihan finds it astonishing that i can keep up a pretty good pretense of sanity even when i'm not feeling too good. sure, i can mope and sulk like everyone else. and yet, i can crack stupid jokes and make fun of my own pathetic situations that even those can be funny.

but now, i cannot find any wisecrack to lesson the intensity of the humongous problem i have on hand. i have a big problem. yihan needs 3 Bs at least to pull up her grades to promote. i did marginally better but that would mean i need good grades to promote with 4 subs. even if i don't promote with 4 subs which seems increasingly possible, i'm still gonna have to dig a path for myself. and what she says is really true. i'm gonna have to triple and double my scores. it's so darn daunting.

i don't want to say i'm unaffected. though i must admit, i'm ever so much less affected than before. i have lost all sense of urgency. all. i'm not bothered about ebing late for LD or class. or school for that matter. i don't seem to care if i flunk my tests. if i lose even this need for fulfilment then what have i to live for?
i do want to promote. i need our group of friends. if i lose them, i'll screw up my life again next year. i can't. i don't want to. this year has breezed past without me having many clear memories of what has come to pass. and you know you're screwing up. i chatted with lily online. oh gawd, he messed up his grades for blocks even more than i did. and he's lily! he does his work! used to at least.

and i've been biting off more than i can chew recently. i don't even know what the hell i'm doing to myself. i don't know what i'm doing, what i'm thinking, who i am, what i'm feeling. i'm sliding from one thing into another without truly grasping what i'm messing with. or even coming to terms with my life and it's intricacies. i'm oh-so-fickle. i can't settle. i'm distracted. i can't focus.

i'm a merry-go-round spinning out of control. i'm searching for intangibles. i'm a hamster running on that stupid wheel but running to nowhere. i'm a piece on a board game, the die's been rolled and i'm walking to a fate which i can't escape.

you know what? i'm scared. real scared. i was never like this. never. i can't explain why i'm becoming someone i barely recognise. interestingly, i'm okay with it. people are okay with it. but my conscience doesn't deal.
i'm gripping and holding on to some things so darn hard. i'm trapping myself and i can't figure how and why.
some things come only once. i know. i don't ever want to miss a train. but if i were to go chasing after chances, then i'm going to have to find an equilibrium somewhere. a balance between everything on hand. coz now, i'm on a seesaw which is about to just flip over.

keep me buoyant on clouds of hope, suspended on safety nets of reassurance, hanging on will.

Xiaoyan
20
business
U of M-Ann Arbor


SPRING break!!
fishball noodle soup
yellow gold heart locket
3.7 GPA
DSLR
cashmere winter coat


cher clara chuan debs terence prong san xuewei toufu 04s71 damian yisheng