Friday, August 27, 2004
composed this today. during econs tutorial. depression is food for inspiration.
[save the silence for me]
i don't hear
but in the silence
your words ring out so clear
could've been a lance
yet hurting so much more
than a double-edged sword
i asked for solitude
that quiet wrap its arms
and envelope me
pity the songs of love so lost
twinkling in their innocence
should rob the quiet i so long
i wish i never asked
wish i never heard
your unspoken in the quiet
wish i could ignore
the comfort, consolation
the subtle told-you-sos
of songs i've heard and known
save the silence for me
save me words of peace
save me from repeated hurt
save the silence for me
i can't un-hear now
when the silence speaks so clear
i'm numb to the noise
and chirpy-bird sounds
i hear the emptiness
of my unwanted quiet
my loss in the silence
save not the silence for me
Disorder Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mvURL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/disorder_information2.html
i've done this quiz before. i'm moderating a lot of stuff. but veering really high to paranoia, dependence and what have you. i'm needy. i can't afford to lose. so i hold on so hard. i can't deal with loss.
today was weird. played volleyball with classmates after school for almost 2 hrs. then sat around and chilled with the guys. it really surprises you what they talk about. stuff like burping and eating. quite entertaining actually.
got on the bus. ray boarded at macritchie and freaked me out by sitting down and staring at me. we talked and i sat to AMK so we could chat a bit. got off and ran into mich who had just alighted. we 3 were all on the same bus! how small is this world?
i've been down and hyper today. sorry to my gal pals. having to deal with me. these mood swings are getting violent.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know
-Damien Rice,
cannonball-
it sounds oh so disturbing right? and it's so true. a bird wouldn't know it's flying. until it became a stone and didn't move, then it'll learn how precious it is to fly.
i'm in a dark dark mood.
i've been pretty okay the past week or so. but i'm heading back into mood swings again. i should face it. the mood swings are hitting me bad the past few months.
i should get run down by a car. if you're permanently in pain from the crash, you won't get mood swings anymore. it'll just be depression all the way.
talked to alina today. 2 people in bad moods do not multiply happiness and divide sorrow. we divide happiness and multiply sorrow. i don't know what we did. but she's facing bad stuff trying to talk each other into some sense has just made things way worse. we ended up leaving thinking the whole world is plain gonna collapse. and drove each other into another round of mood swings. but it was still nice catching up with her.
happiness is clouds of pink cotton candy, sky blue on canvas, sunny yellow bubble chairs and lilac PVC stools.
i see black. and it's hardly a colour.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
dinner's calling.
my mom said i was losing weight. apparently my jawline's more defined. i'm glad. i could do with losing a little more.
and today i was just talking to qianyi. she said that the decisions i make amaze her. like choosing lion dance, taking c.lit, choosing NP over eldds. yeah. indeed they are surprisingly. but ever realised that i shock myself half the time?
but it does take much to see things from the outside looking in.
i just thought that NJ was a ride. away from the norm in me. but looking back, it just dawned on me today that all i did was be me. not so much exploring new horizons but more so that i chose what i always was. i am a drama person, i'm loud, i'm funny, i entertain. but each time i've chosen a path away from what i am. so many times in fact, that i sort of forgot what i really enjoyed doing. and today, it's a discovery. i'm not going back to what i am. i'm walking right into the unknown. leaving the familiar behind. or am i?
i'm keeping my fingers crossed. i always jinx things. i can't keep screwing up. it matters too much.
Monday, August 23, 2004
i went to school today, then decided to leave before lessons started so i could send san off. we sat awhile at coffee bean and talked.
then rebec, mich, lynn, ken, ray and i just sat around and chatted awhile before i left to go back to school. sad. san's like gone. but the past couple of days have been a whirlpool of activity.
like pool and dinner yesterday.
oh well.
it's back to mundane life with horrid school.
but at least i'll be suspended on an imaginary cloud 9 for now. still feeling glad over a nice weekend. though i must admit, the whole bubble may disintegrate tomorrow when i flunk those 2 tests which i didn't study for while i had my happy weekend.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
sleep. it fuzzes your brain and makes everything hazy and seemingly forgotten. but that's the last thing i want to happen to all the thoughts, happy thoughts of the past couple of days.
it's been mad. one helluva time. between friday morning 5.30am when i woke, to early this morning at 1am. i've slept approximately 1hr and 45 min. one hour in the chalet and 45 minutes standing at the mrt station, sleeping on the train, in the car to the supper place at macpherson. like wow. sure, i did catch up on sleep this morn. 10 hrs?
i love this weekend. it's got me on a high and happy feeling the whole time. especially after all teh horrid grades and horrid everything. this really makes up for it.
went to the chalet and had a smashing time. bbq, played dare or dare, monopoly, cards. walked along the beach in the morning. all these singularly do not sound interesting but summed up with the good company, it was loads of fun. it was rather unexpected coz i thought it was just a quiet affair of squadmates with ray(really odd combination), but sebby, ken, william this other guy called jia chuen? turned out to be really good company. just laughed and laughed. i've never known them before except that they are friens of friends but there's this close comraderie thing.
yesterday, had lion dance in a really dead state of mind. but pearlyn and i really improved quite a bit. especially for the part when she sits on my shoulders and another when she stands on my knees. headed home to shower then went shopping with han, debs & char. it wasn't really successful. in fact i didn't buy a thing. what's happening to my shopping genes? we took neos and it turned out pretty good. then headed to RJ for the drama production, han's dad had to fetch us. felt pretty bad about it. shannon joined us for the show and we went to macs to hang for a while after that.
waited at the mrt station for my sis to fetch me. i fell asleep standing and nearly fell over. she dragged me to macspherson to eat some porridge(i ate macaroni). finally showered and slept at 1am.
so far, i've been to late mass, i've had lunch. gonna change now, going out to meet san and the rest for dinner before she flys tomorrow. sad, there's so much parting around isn't there? i'm really dead now coz i've spent more time than i intended going out. and i haven't started studying for my tests on tues. i'm so screwed for chem. math i'll just have to pray i get through it. the math is worth 10% of my promotional grade and since i already messed up my block tests which is worth 25% and the lecture test which i failed, i really need a good grade. and now i'm going out. what am i thinking?
