Thursday, August 19, 2004
hmm.
i have approximately 7 minutes to blog an entry before i disappear to watch Idol.
i would say that i have been an unbelievably good girl this week. it amazes me. i didn't go out ya know. that's a stupid statement obviously.
tomorrow's the chalet! can't wait to see san. i hope everything's working out for her fine. shall have a heart-to-heart talk with her. and the bbq and all. it's really a good end to the week.
there's the RJ drama night on saturday. so i'm going. the plot sounds really tantalising. ancient greek women go on a sex strike to persuade the men to stop the war. is that juicy or what?
and i'm going shopping. at long last! i have to buy something before my compulsive shopping disorder overwhelms me.
i've missed 2 sessions of lion dance. but attending on wednesday was rather bad. my wrist is bad all over again. but frankly i guess it ain't gonna get better so i shall just wait till MAF is over and rest. feel quite sorry for pearlyn. she keeps getting into trouble with coach since our pair isn't perfromign as well. and i'm not in the least motivated to work hard. though i do bother to attend. coach doesn't really bother about me since i guess he thinks i have an AP and prolly won't care. he's wrong. i think i'm doing fine.
and guess what? HC is gonna do a halloween night celebration! whee! i'm glad. council is planning it and i hope everything works out fine and comes through. though by then, i hope my promo results will not be too depressing. i mean, it's an english occasion(irish actually i think) and we get to wear costumes and people will be stationed to freak us out. whee! and seventh month will be over by then.
lastly. got totally weirded out today. something yihan pointed out which has got me scratching my head. no it's not head lice or dandruff.
and i'm chipper again. back on a high. there's PW tomorrow and all but that's the last thing on my mind. my printer conked out and i can't print but ailin's helping me. mao is so dead since he's not bothering with his biblio anymore. told me to just go ahead and forget his part.
then of course, there's like way so much work which is so gonna dampen my spirits. but to hell with it. chem test and math test next week. and lots of bio tutorial. but i like genetics and i will not fail the test though i think i may. i must do well.
and did i say? i'm chipper!
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
[porous clay in a kiln]
i'm picking up the pieces of my so-called life
superglueing back the shards
i'm counting my jigsaw chips
and i'm still missing some parts
a tapestry of life
my identity inside
of pools of orange, pink and gold
of muddied brown and dirt
of silver lining tawdry black patches
of gaps and patches and holes
i'm finding myself again
a few bits less i'm sure
the varnish's dry, the bits are set
the heat is on, i am whole.
or so i thought.
i've left some baggage behind
once a part of me
but have since come to naught
porous clay in a kiln
battered, broken, incomplete
on the shelf, a mistake from too many faults
of clay, of sun, of earth--do you see me?
Monday, August 16, 2004
I looked at myself in the mirror today and I didn’t like what I saw.
More specifically. I hated it. Yeah. So that’s pretty much it. I hate me.
I can’t explain since when. It’s just been building and building so much. Hell, I don’t even have control over my own life. I’m not talking freedom here. I have loads. More than before at least. I’ve come a long way since that restricted secondary school life. But I’ve carried so much baggage forward with me. Ever mounting insecurities and uncertainty.
Surprisingly, I’ve also left quite a number of items rolling around on the conveyor belt. My contact list for one. I have this sinking feeling that I’ve severed ties with people who’ve made me what I am. This isn’t some cheesy gratitude speech at some launch ceremony. I’m talking influence here.
Talking to Cher today really got me thinking. In so many horrid ways. I’ve been so self-absorbed and unabsorbed at the same time. A lingering ghost even, floating aimlessly. I’m looking at false hopes, empty promises and unreachable goals. What ambitions am I speaking of if I’m heading to naught? Why am I searching when I know I won’t find? Ain’t I making promises I can’t keep?
Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened to you.
I do not mean to doubt. Nor do I mean to blaspheme or ridicule. But I’m banging into closed doors and I haven’t found what I’m looking for.
Perhaps I haven’t kept my eyes open enough. Perhaps I’m not even sure of what I’m searching for. Perhaps I’ve been knocking on all the wrong doors which might only open years from now.
In any case, if I were a ship, I’ve been heading in the wrong direction. If I were a car, I’ve been driving on a bumpy dirt track. I need a 180 degree change in direction now.
And please, may leave the baggage behind and bring my darned contact list.
