Saturday, June 12, 2004
cher: i'd love to go out. just pick a day and i'll make it.
mich: yep. we'll meet up again k?
sec3s: i'm gonna try come back. when's the activity and all? and the letters. i...will try to do something about it. with luck, i may finish them before POP. but the contents may not necessarily be valid since they might have probably expired. heehee.
i've been a homebody for the past week. there just hasn't been any reason to go out. i went for lion dance twice and went back once for an interview for H&F exco. else i've been home. watching as much tv as my conscience could allow. reading a little of return of the king. and read one pathetic chapter of bio. that took a whole day since my thoughts were on everything and anything except that.
i have 2 weeks. 2 weeks. i know i said that i'll play half the hols and work half the hols. but since i had elective week, technically., i had 3 weeks of play. and let's face it, i know that no matter how, there's no way i can sit down and be tame for 2 weeks facing the books straight. i'll just...die. i've never been a 'run home to study' kind of person and i'll never one to be one. no offence, but the real bookworms really freak me out. the sort who just study and will spontaneously combust when they don't get their daily fix of studying or something. i mean, whatever do what you wish, don't look at me and look flabbergasted when i tell you i haven't studied.
i just checked that The Iliad exists as a book. i'm gonna buy it. ever since Troy, there's been must writeup about how it's so like that afore-mentioned epic and it'll be the greatest pity if i don't read it for myself. i haven't had much interest in books since the year started. i mean, fine, so i learnt other forms of entertainment, like shopping for one. it was an awakening which the first 3 months taught me. one of the numerous awakenings. anyway, shopping gives you relaxation and highs that come much faster than a book. though they are of diferent sorts. i have't really felt like reading any book for certain, but i'm very sure that i want to read The Iliad.
i'm watching this vcd series now called The Flying Dagger. 'fei dao you jian fei dao'. it's quite nice. the filming and all has more depth and leaves a bit more to the imagination that the usual shows i watch. though for that same reason you wouldn't want to spare the time to watch it again coz it isn't a heartwarming, or romantic boy-meets-girl, or laugh-your-heart-out kind of show. the problem is, i have to find a way to finish watching it befre school starts. that's that's like 30hours tv. big problem, especially when this thing called block tests happen to exist. big hurdle.
ooh. and i must mention. i watched this korean army movie last night on scv channel 56 called blue. it's damn nice. quite sad lah. it's about love and friendship. this guy could live coz his friend passed out underwater and he was ordered to leave his friend to die. but instead he gave up his chance to live and all. blah, it's hard to explain, but it sets you thinking why don't our local stars produce some film like this?
i'm shoo-ing now. gonna watch gilmore.
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
warning: a rambling of sorts.
i have no idea what i'm trying to do to myself. surely i asked for a change when i graduated from st nix to move on to JC. but whatever my decision i don't think i expected quite a change in choice of responsibilities.
So it is with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasure. Isn't God
good? Are you holding onto things which God wants you to let go of? Are you holding onto harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits and
activities which you have become so attached to that it seems impossible to
let go? i cut out the whole story and left only the moral behind. whoah. right. i'm holding on to a bunch or stupid thoughts, stupid dreams, stupid attachments to friends/accquaintances who don't matter, stupid hopes/beliefs in whatever stupid matters.
that's the insanity of life. but that's what we're living for. you don't just cut yourself out of the picture and transplant yourself elsewhere. i'm not speaking from a particular issue, but i'm just feeling oddly disconnected about everything.
right. it's feli's birthday today before i proceed. happy birthday! not that she can see it. but still.
i am getting all my priorities screwed. there hasn't been a single time this year when i studied and did not fall asleep after reading only 7 pages. i can't ever get any studying done. my mind is elsewhere for starters and since i can't get any solid studying done, i don't feel in the least motivated to do any. what's the point? it's a vicious cycle and anyway,
i hate studying!
and i'm late. all the time. i can't seem to come early. as in not the way i used to. i'm thinking that i'm making up for all teh tiems when i was way early. like half an hour or an hour early. coz now i'm making everyone wait for me. but then again, the world waits for no one. so in other words, i'm lagging. seriously lagging.
i went and bought the vcd for huai yu gong zhu. but there's this problem. coz i already have it. and i knwo i have it. but i coz i quite like the show, i went and bought a better quality version. what stupid bird does this thing?
i used to be so active and involved in my CCAs. NP was like my life. my life then was planned around it. and now? i must have ponned 60% of the CCA activities in NJ. and my CCAs were super slack. and now, i said i'd run for LD and H&F exco. i didn't make to LD exco and now i'm not even gonna run for H&F anymore. just coz i don't wnana have to lead some aerobics lesson which is all part of the criteria for running. again i'm making up for all the involvement yeah? well coz i said right in the beginning when i entered NJ that i'm going to make my life in JC ever so much more fulfilling and fun-filled. well, apparently, i've walked away from it. i'm just slacking away, the mentality that whatever you do will be taken away.
what happened to
sing as though no one can hear you, dance as though no one is watching, love as though you've never been hurt, life as if heaven is on earth?
and what happened to PW? sure. i'm glad that we're not doing anything now. but everyone i know is doing PW. meetings like all the time. and what is my group doing? sure, we got our proposal confirmed, but so what? we're like thinking that having a proposal can get us through. good lord.
and the stupid block tests. how cna this even be legal. to have tests after hols? screw the stupid system. i can't relax coz there's no time. i can't even live in denial coz psychologiclaly everything's getting to me. what am i doing? i should just try for miss universe, she gets to win a 45000-dollar film contract. my grades won't even get me to med school.
i really wonder how the new tourism campaign is gonna work. what 'uniquely singapore'? they can't get better outside the schools. they should have one. tour the schools. tour package entitled Rude Awakening: A Whiff of Local Educational Stench. i'm being really irrational and emotional now. i'm just pissed yet disconnected too. it doesn't get better you know. i have spent half the year away. squandered. and i haven't reaped the profits of it surely.
staying home definitely helps. i mean, i love shopping and all. cannot understand how anyone can not enjoy shopping. i have yet to find a guy who likes shopping. titus says he does but i don't know. shopping's tiring work anyway. and compulsive shopping disorder means that you get relaly upset if you spend a day shopping and you haven't bought a satisfactory item. files and clips don't count. those are boring stuff.
but all in all, i think i'm a home-body too. i love staying in. just lazing the day away. watching vcd marathons. then eating and maybe napping. and tday's weather helped a lot. nice and cool and wet. i love these 'me' days. just doing whatever i want. terence asked me to play pool but i didn't want to. better to stay home and give an impression of not going out. sure, both ways i still don't get work done but at least i'm not shopping and spending money.
tomorrow's gonna be another day in. i know i told cher that we'll shop, but i guess it isn't on since neither of us has spoken about it. i don't mind staying in. i just hope i wake up earlier so i can nap in the afternoon. naps are good. they are 'afternoon treats'. right. someone stop me from rambling on...
Sunday, June 06, 2004
\\ oh baby, i don't wanna know
if you're playing me
keep it on the low
'coz my heart can't take it anymore
if you're playing me
please don't let it show
oh baby, i don't wanna know //
heard it on class 95 this morning. real early. like 6.50am early. it's a wonder that even in my semi-conscious state i actually managed to comprehend whatever was actually being played on the radio. it's sweet.
yesterday. for those who don't know, i didn't go for the auditions in the end. i'm sort of kicking myself about it now. but i really didn't want to queue. i heard it was a nightmare and all. though i wish i had buzzed my classmates about it. mao, kheng and yisheng were there camping overnight so i could have just cut the queue or something.
ended up staying at home. took baby to the vet. he got his 1st vaccine. found out he had a cough so he's on anti-biotics now. and he got some banana-flavoured de-worming solution too. he's been pretty down these couple of days. must be the medication.
and then basically lazed and watched tv for the rest of the day.
today. slept through the homily during mass again. i can't ever stay awake during sermons for the 7am mass. well at least i managed to sleep without my head jerking around and nodding around this time so i could at least look like i was listening. except my mom figured and tapped me.
was late again meeting mich. this is terrible. i used to be so painfully early for stuff last time. now, as if i'm trying to kae up for all those times when i was early, i'm late all the time. late for LD, for lectures, for tutorials, meeting friends. i know i definitely picked up some of this bad habits in NJ. but i gues it was in me all the time. for certain, i made mich wait 1hr and 30 min. sorry love. really really sorry.
today was a bad shopping day. i'm trying to buy a dress. just like to wear. but nothing seem to fit or look appealing tday and i didn't buy anything. it's this compulsive shopping obsession. you don't feel fulfilled till you buy something when you go out to shop. went to marche for dinner.
met up with squadmates. mich, lynn, daffy, yumin, rebec, ni, shihan, pei and dawn. i guess not all of us click anymore. it's scary. we used to be squadmates who understood each other so very well. the sort who'd know we'd be there for each other no matter what. and the topics discussed over dinner were rather interesting. i guess st nix is sort of a nunnery(girls' school and all). so what's the thing about after st nix? it's apparently guys. like who's with who etc. it's like an achievement on the resume, or a trophy just won. like who's arrived and who hasn't. i'm not sure i'm seeing things right. but suddenly, there was just so 'much' to talk about.
thankfully, it got better. we took neos afterward. they're really pretty. all 4 shots. then we walked around a little. ended up in the arcade at cine. played daytona and DDR. man it's embarrassing. and flats and dumb screws in the platform aren't kind to your feet. they hurt now.
ooh. forgot to mention. my mom and i did some rearranging of the furniture. my yellow 'cozy corner' couch has gone to my mom's room. i got my new mattress so my old one becomes a nice seat on the floor. i get the big blue armchair from my mom's room. and suddenly, WHAM! my room has gone from bedroom of a teen girl to refuge for me or something. i gues swhat i need is an armchair to sit me.
man i can't keep crapping on. i'm gonna just fall asleep now. yep. hair's almost dry. good night then.
