Saturday, April 17, 2004
i honestly feel that expectations always spoil the actual thing. yesterday wasn't exactly the best day i would say.
cheryl and daph won the match against SA yesterday and overall NJ won. i'm happy for them.
and cher danced beautifully at the concert yesterday. she was like so sure of her moves. she's like pro!
i went to school. for make up lessons. walked out of the maths lecture halfway. too boring. so lisa and i went for a gourmet discovery. bought sushi at coro and some pastry thing from this bakery/cafe called choupinette. so we made this one month agreement that we'll come back and have breakfast. the ambience is really good with pink and red heart-shaped chairs and God forbid! really delicious bread.
went back for more make up lessons. our econs lecturer is this really young and pretty ex-NJ student. and somehow we ended up on some topic about food and she commented that HC food was really a lot better than NJ food. bad mistake. haha. coz a lot of the 2nd-intakers were from NJ. so there was this resounding and incredulous "NO" and i guess she was taken aback.
then i went for my first lion dance session. it's quite accmplishing to learn the new beats and stuff like that though the requirement to learn and follow and be able to guess the different sequences from hearing a drumbeat seems rather impossible. it's awful noisy. kept hearing this whirring in my ears long after the music had stopped. and the drum is whoah! scary. standing next to it while it's being played, i could feel my heart going thump and shake inside my ribcage. i know i can catch up. but my mum is seriously asking me to reconsider. i mean, she doesn't really like it. i get her point. coz i know that i don't really fit in. the atmosphere is different. and quite un-me.
and yesterday i met mei and val so we chatted. and ate. but 3 hours is never enough. not after so long. even 3 hours with cher is way too short. you can guess the volume of words exchanged.
then i went back for st nix sports day. weiz said that blue won! yay! did we win cheerleading routine? i hope we did. i still feel ours looked the best. i scooted after an hour. was sweating horribly. it was so warm and i was dressed in jeans and some knitted long sleeve for a concert later.
then came the concert. i met cheryl and daph and sinwee first so waited for them to cut hair. ended up really late, cabbing to ACS(B). managed to catch cher dancing lindy hop. and wow!. i am awed. she was all 'cooridination is me'. and there was this part the guy lifted her up and she got suspended for a couple of seconds in the air at some weird gravity-defying angle. and then this part when she had her legs around the guy or something. whoah. not to mention daph terms the guy as 'dancing king II' you totally rock gurl!
after dance concert, the remainder of the few people from o104s28 wanted to head down to holland V for supper. really wanted to go, but wasn't possible. so i just stood and waited for the darned cab. gosh, you don't realise how affluent singapore is till you notice that you can't get a cab. like 150 cabs or 100 passed and not one was available. all had passngers and it was really exasperating. finally got one which turned out of a condominium.
didn't go for terence's bdae. i feel really guilty coz i promised i'd come. and i think i'm pretty much joining church choir now. coz i think terence fixed with the choir people already. no turning back. really tempted to. but no.
and i need to get work done. i'll start with something easy. like reading Newsweek. it sure beats doing bio. i can't stand the sight of it. even math is slightly better. chem is totally 'what's it talking about?'
Thursday, April 15, 2004
i went to Nj to watch the soccer match. it totally rocked.
i cann't believe myself, my anti-soccer me is actually beginning to like it. it was really exciting in a way. with aziz the Nj goalie saving several balls. so Nj won anderson 1-0!
yippee! way to go.
ran into a number of people while i was there. met potion and lily so we just sat and watched the match, then went and disturbed cheryl and daph training for their tennis nationals. they look that they don't care but i know deep down, they want to win too. but oftentimes, the more you look un-bothered, sometimes, the better you do.
here's a little summary of our totally dumb conversation. with me saying really stupid stuff.
me: ouch.
potion: huh?
me: can't believe they use their heads to hit the ball. it must hurt.
potion: haha.
me: come on, don't you know that each time you hit your head, you lose brain cells that you'll never get back?
lily: yeah but they get 20million bucks.
me: but you don't get 20 million playing for NJ.
*at this point, the air rifle and PE teacher turns around and looks at me.*oops.
*someone heads another ball*
lily: haha. brain cells.
*sometime later, aziz has saved a number of balls and NJ is leading*
me: i wish the match would just end now.
potion: i bet that's what aziz is thinking now.
*aziz saves again*
me: stress man. that's why i don't do competitive sports. if it were me, i'd just freeze and we'll lose.
me: which is worse? hitting the ball with your head or hitting another head?
lily: duh another head right?
potion: at least the ball has air lorh.
me: yeah. but maybe the head's empty and has air too. no brains wad.
really dumb larh. i think the only thing they concluded is that i rarely watch soccer. and i was shouting go NJ! if HC plays NJ, who will i be rooting for? i guess i can't come to a decision. but at least i got my passionfruit sunrise with jelly today.
something i've been trying to deny is becoming increasingly clear to me. we are drifting ever so little apart. somehow. we just are. but more so, i realise that everytime i meet up i feel like i'm this high and i'm all happy. but when we go home or something, i just feel unexplainably(is there such a word?) sad in a way. maybe coz it's going home time. but also coz i know we'll see less of each other and we'll move even further apart. sad that we can't be the way we were.
but 'tian xia wu bu san zhi yan xi' right? nothing is forever. i will just enjoy it while it lasts. and mend everything between me and l***. that's very important.
tomorrow's friday! i'm glad. it's happy happy day! shall go takes neos with daph and cheryl, mei and val. and saturday will be a gooder day. and sunday i'm playing tennis with terence i think. it's good to be alive.(obviously no work is mentioned)
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
get a grip gurl.
stop messing up your life.
i'm going to hate tomorrow. i just know that. it ends late at 5.20 and the whole day is friggin lessons. i loathe thursdays. been loathing them for as long as i can remember. the only time they didn't suck was the thursday in sec 2.
now i'm going for the NJ dance night too! cher's performing. dear little hermit in a sense. no offence there. at least she's making a difference. i should too. and friday i'm shopping a little with daph and cheryl and meeting primary school mates for dinner.
i totally messed up the chem test today. don't say that it'll be fine. i know it won't. and i'm not very affected by it either. i know if i failed a test in primary six or sec 1, i'll go ballistic. but when you've had a history of failing practically every math test possible, you don't feel it anymore. it just become another to add to a collection. *wink*
just got off the phone with terence after 57minutes. i seem to enjoy procrastinating a lot. hmm...he's actually quite messed up and his whole life and environment is quite messed too. with quite warped mentality. but he's a nice person, but a little too much of an overchiever. we're gonna play tennis together. soon. on sundays i think, like after choir practice after i join. which i think should be soon. till i get over this whole calndar of events.
i just spoke to my old godma. i haven't spoken a word in a good year or more. i should go about fixing relations. everything about me needs mending. those with NJ people needs reinforcements. those with HC people needs foundations. those with primary school mates needs renovation. those with close friends need upgrading. those with distant people needs restructuring or mending. those with misunderstandings needs remedies..like demolishing and rebuilding.
there's a lot more to life than studies. and it took me quite some time to realise that. i am a people person. i need to be with people. that's where i belong.
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
i'm sorta on a high. prolly coz i'm crawling out of the low part.
i'm fixing stuff. so i'm getting happy. but i have this stupid chem test tomorrow. i've always been a chem person but facing tomorrow's test, i feel defeated. i just picture blanks when i face this disgusting topic.
so anyway. i joined a couple of CCAs. health and fitness and lion dance. yes i notice that gasp. i'm surprised at myself too. keep doing shocking things. but there's like nothing else and i need a CCA. getting desperate. so lion dance it is..
and i've got my weekends booked. yippee!
16th: meeting mei and val for dinner.
17th: st nix sports day and terence's party.
24th: CC4 bbq
30th: NJ choir concert
1st: VJ funfair
i hope it keeps up. then i'll get a life back. my sis is flaunting hers now. she's done her crappy projects and handed them in and all she's doing now is party party and party somemore. goes out in the mornings and comes home late. sheesh..
gotta get back to disgusting chem.
Monday, April 12, 2004
i struck a match. and was mesmerised by the flame. it went out.
i struck another. and was mesmerised again. i held it ever so carefully. it burned till the end, but i didn't want to let go. i tried to keep it burning, but smothered it by mistake; burning my fingers. i want to see the flame again.
don't play with fire. you'll get hurt.
quoting from what char said today. "my life is a f**king scr**wed up mess". very bright prospect. mine's way more screwed.
i tried probing around for a cca. but i can't seem to find anything.
that brings me to the same thought. i've wished upteenth times that i got 8 pts instead of 7. i'll even wish myself a 9. if i took my words literally and kicked myself for my regrets, i'll be black and blue now.
after 4 weeks, i finally sat down today and unpacked my NJ files. those which contained the NJ subject notes. i just looked at them and recalled all the hilarious lessons. that's probably why i didn't touch them all this while. i just couldn't face the files. and then i emptied them of the notes and replaced them with HC ones. i don't even want to file those which i took out. can't face them today.
then i took the NJ orientation Olympia file. it held some loose scraps of paper and doodles. and random transparencies. then i found the chinese compo i wrote. then all the 'chinese lesson memories' came flooding back. the messy calligraphy lesson...the valentines' day letter to the teacher which we meant as a joke...i wish i could keep them all and do cataloguing or something. so i copied out teh whole compo into this book which i keep for worthy scribbles.
i shut the file and left it alone. i'm not oing to throw the file or its contents away. what stupid thinking if i ever thought i could flush 3 months of life down the drain? wishful thinking.
i'm down again. after being normal yesterday.
