"and i was looking for love in all the wrong places,
looking for love in too many places.
searching their eyes, looking for traces
for what i'm dreaming of..."

yea. that comes from a song alright. and i just love it. i don't even know the title. except that it's awfully old. today has been slightly better than yesterday. and i was fuming over this horrid episode in the car earlier, but i shall not mention such trivial matters.

i chatted for a good 80 minutes on the phone with lili yesterday. she rawks. it's scary how we know each other so well. aside from little things like what we drink etc. she knows me really well. and i think i know her pretty okay too. it's surprising how contrasting our characters are. she's practically everything i'm not. and vice versa. we're gonna meet pretty soon. i have a bunch of things piling at home which i need to pass to her.

anyway, i'm realising that my 'no-life' life badly needs restructuring. i can't exactly work some zest, enthusiasm and spontaneity when i see defeat in my eyes. and going throuhg another series of resolutions don't seem to be a good diea. what happened to the previous few? vapourised into thin air that's what.
no point avoiding my old class. dumb idea. i'll see them just as often or a little less. and i'll see my new class too. must have some balance of elements. (read previous entry for shocking realisation)
i am going to get a cca. swallow some pride and join elddfs i think. or...join judo. or i think guitar since i'm way to lazy to move.
must get some work done.
and most importantly! i'm so excited about this part. i'm going to join the church choir for the 9.45am mass on sundays! i'm quite set on it i think. stephanie, daryl and tenrence are there. my religious life has been saddeningly empty of late. and in a way, i'm blaming God for it. very bad of me. shall do some singing.

finally. happy EASTER!
"hallelujah! Jesus is alive.
death has lost its victory and His grave has been denied.
Jesus lives forever.
He's alive...
He's alive...
hallelujah Jesus is ALIVE!"

math tutorial was absolute rubbish. what did i do? stoned and copied out the lyrics for white flag again. i already have 2 copies of it. one from the last math lecture. and obviously i had zero idea about whatever was going on. considering it was some tutorial about the graphs chapter which i stoned in the last round. so i just copied shar's work and handed it in.

met daph and cheryl for breakfast. then had lunch with 04S28 people. potion, daph, jiachien, lisa, alina, lily and shannon. took somemore neos. and laughed somemore and talked somemore. i can't say i'm happy though.

it's like. true. everyone who's not there, even those who are still together are saying that the new classes suck. seems to me that we were just plain lucky to get 04S28 in the first place. coz everything else is either too muggerish, too boring, too quiet, too.... so we're meeting still rather often. not the whole class, just 8 people or so. and like once a week. but it isn't the same.
i don't know how to put this. it's not like we're so absorbed in our lives or something. just that, we're functioning still outside our 04S28 cliques. not fantastic. but still, life goes on. and we may laugh at stuff we're saying, but we don't understand half of it. the people we talk about..do we know them? the inside jokes...do we understand them? we aren't on the inside anymore. i was part of the 'is he alive' joke. that was the funny stuff. but we can't keep laughing about the same stuff anymore. we aren't like best friends close. we're close friends. but you don't just walk out of it 3 months later.
we can't just keep talking about those first 3 months. we have to make those 3 months and the sequels to those 3 months. we need to keep creating histories and making things happen. if we keep stagnating, one day, we won't know each other anymore.
agreebly, not everyone in the class is this close. but they make up the class. like tits' bad singing, lily's shorts, shannon's pants and ego. potion's blurness, even buffy's faulting and gaius' weirdness. cheryl and her 'standards' or cosmetics. daphne and her 'it's cheap wat'. but who keeps meeting up? it's as if the rest of the class doesn't exist anymore. 12 days ago, on the dance party night, we were still 04S28. still playing truth of dare. but these 12 days have changed a lot.

yeah. it's 12 days all right. 12 days since...and i'm still rooted where i am. i'm still singing 'white flag'. i'm still pathetic. and when someone nearly didn't show up today, i was actually disappointed. then there were rumours about...and i was sad. exactly what was i thinking? that life's a bed of roses? that i lived in Cinderella or what? Anastacia? i'm sorry. coz little kids, those are just fairytales. nothing in life is ever that pretty. except maybe pink. play Counterstrike not Barbie.

it's always sweet 16 right? well, i'm less than 2 months away from being 17 and this past year nothing's been working out. let's just count my blessings.
1. cute surprise 16th bdae celebration from sec 2s(thanks guys)
2. nice FWC. and chalet.
3. good prelim results which led to the NJ experience(that was priceless)
4. good O's results(which led to what i'm in now)
5. fun vietnam trip
6. grad nite.
7. march hols shopping spree.
all these are pretty much superficial.

what did not work out.
1. dad changed jobs
2. mom retired.
3. arty.
4. lily
5. HC
6. CCA
7. my grades

i know i'm in another of my 'down' moods again. i should be happy and perky since my life is looking less bleak since the term started. but i honestly can't seem to be optimistic and to see past what's before me. i'm looking at my grades and work and thinking that i'm gonna fail my upcoming chem test, scrape a pass for SPA and flunk the block tests in july. i'm banking on not understanding the make up lectures and jinxing PW. i even get this feeling i'm going to fail promos and get retained. i'm practically drowning in self-pity or something. i really should snap out of it and start embracing everything.
but i don't have the drive. am i supposed to look for it? i'm just taking everything as it is.

it's looking to be a realistic 17. i hate to say this. but i shouldn't be a hopeless romantic or a no-holds-barred dreamer. i'd love to say that there's more to life than results. but truly, everything's rubbing off me. i don't want to be a mugger. yeah, i want to do great things later in my life. but if it means, i'm going to pass on everything now and give up all those ideals and weird tendencies, then sadly, that just isn't me. i feel like i'm morphing into somebody i don't even know. and i'm getting the feeling that i don't like what i'm turning into. i'm doing some dumb reflection everyday and i don't like what i'm seeing.

go on. throw it at me. it's realistic 17 right? anyway, once you hit rock-bottom or somewhere close to that, you can't sink much further. i'm a cynic that's what. dreams and imaginations are just fragile glass and they're shattering anyway.
it's all a made-believed fairytale.

i got my hair cut at last. no perm though. quite sad. but the hairdresser said that my hair isn't long enough, so i'm gonna grow it for another 6 months. i cut real bangs though. the above-the-eyebrows sort. and straightened out the frizzy ends.

having breakfast tomorrow with cheryl and daph! can scarcely wait.

can't wait for 17th april too. there's nothing much on that day actually. except that i get this feeling that it's gonna be a fabulous day. there's make up lessons, then prolly meeting my old class and crashing SN sports day and terence's b'dae party with the church people at night till like 11pm. teh perks? i live just opposite.

there's this horrid chemical bonding test on wednesday. i haven't started. the thing is, i can't not study for this. if i don't, i'm gonna fail. i know it in my bones. and then i totally screwed up my chem pract yesterday. had to repeat the titrations so many times. scatter-brained me messed up everything. read the reading from teh top of the meniscus then forgot what i read. mixed the concentrations and did the drop by drop thing 5cm3 before the end point. and i hate the burette tap thing. the butterfly clip thingy which st nix and Nj used is way more user-friendly. keep messing up the end point.

have math make up tutorial tomorrow. my tutor is the one in charge. which means i'll prolly not understand a thing. but i'm still going. or else my conscience will irk me.

met mich yesterday and had dinner. then sat in coffee club to chat. remind me never to drink coffee. what's the point of acting mature and drinking coffee when it's so not my cup of tea? tea rocks. but coffee is just not my thing.

wah la!
i'm happy today. not like wow! i'm happy! but i'm not sad so that makes me happy right? ended at 2 today. it's my last day of freedom. absolute last. my last wednesday before every single wednesday and saturday are sacrificed as an offering to the dear teachers for make up lessons.

so i crashed NJ after school ended. wearing my hc U i actually got past the guard. said i was going to see a teacher. and yep, see her i did. though i didn't think i'd actually run into her. left a note in her pigeon-hole though. basically just went up and told her that she totally rocks! she's the bestest econs teacher ever! ms stacy tan, i so miss your econs lesson! and she was like this is the first time anyone's telling me that i'm a good econs teach. the Nj econs department really is good.

and i recognised so many familiar faces. said hi to so many st nix people! st nix rawks! lots of people were giving me weird stares and all coz i was crashing. i should be feeling guilty, but i was going out with cher and she's from st nix so it really doesn't count. said hi to old classmates. everyone was like, "eh! xiaoyan's here!" it felt so good. they were like all waving from their PW class. hugged daph and cheryl and cheryl was like no, it's bad for my reputation. like ha. whatever. gosh. it's exhilaration all over again! breaking the rules feels really good. i'm just awry in thinking now?

and i saw lily. as in he saw me and spoke to me. and so we were like the usual, he was like what are you doing here and hey you're wearing the hc U! so i was talking to him a short while and he was like i have to run off for choir. i walked up to the choir people and asked if teachers will freak if they see me. then the group of choir guys went,"xiaoyan, you're stanley's ex...........classmate is it?" it sounded weird but i said yeah. then they repeated it and i got the meaning but just played dumb. i did realise that some were giving weird looks or something.

then cher and i went to orchard and i bought dido's cd! whee! listening to it now. i bought it for one song but i guess eventually i will like it. and i'm gonna start saving for vonda shephard's cds. and i have to buy the Love Actually vcd and Love Me if You Dare vcd. then met eeling and 3 of us took neos.

so now i'm here and i'm going to watch tv later. so excited. i think i've forgotten what it feels like to watch tv. sheesh.

char from my new class is in CTK! she's in the CC4 class this year and is getting confirmed this year. how cool's that? i hope she cheers up. she's kinda down. i can understand coz been there, done that. cheer up gurl, it'll get better when it can't get any worse. and terence messaged me to say that he's moved to seasons park already! yay! we can go play tennis or go cycling or something.

life's getting better. there are still awkward moments. i can't go so far to say that JC life rocks. but i know i'm heading somewhere. so maybe, my grades suck, i have a GP essay to write tomorrow, i don't have a CCA, i couldn't make the auditions. no biggie.

"But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine"
life for rent, Dido

i have many other things. and i intend to be happy coz i have them. say hi to me! the lightbulb's gonna shine again. i know my entries are really contradictory. one moment i'm on a high, the next i'm super down. but the highs are worth the downs. at least i'll walk out of downs to highs, sooner or later.

i went out with my class to take neos and eat today. it felt, weird. i've been getting less of Nj flashbacks so that's a good sign. but still plenty of 04S28 flashbacks. i miss our crazy neoprint sessions. it's less casual here to me. i went coz i know i seriously should fit in. and i'm trying so very hard.

i want to meet you guys. every single one of you. i can take the homework, though i loathe it. and i can put up with not making the cut for the audition, not having a CCA. but i need you.

i want to laugh with you guys and scream, and go crazy. and shop and spend and know life's worth living coz i have all you friends.

but my mom forbids me seeing you NJ people for the next month or so. since i saw you last week. she thinks that you guys are influencing me and giving me a negative attitude. no. yes, you guys make me wistful, but you guys just make me look forward to our next meeting. makes me bright and happy coz you're all just opoosite.
the problem is with me. coz i need you guys. i need our warm comraderie. our effortless conversations. our common mentality. i need to remind myself that there's more to life than studying.
and we had all just started out. barely 3 months. so impressionable. i'm scared that we'll burn out before we ever become really close friends. and i've never ever had a better class, with so many people i could actually talk to. you guys don't know how much you mean to me.

i'm not being mean here, but if i have to squeeze time between lessons or even a brief 10 minutes after school, i'll meet you guys. all of you are so worth it.

and lisa, if you ever read this, i wanna say i'm sorry if i was ever unhappy about you. you don't know how happy i am to see you each day. we've got a past, and certainly, we didn't create that piece of our history in hc.

i can't just burn my bridges and not look back. coz there'll always be a part of me back in NJ. the more you try and hide that part of me, the more it shows and the more i want it back.
but one's gotta accept what one's chosen. i've accepted it. and i'm living a different kind of life now. quite so different that it scares me. and i have to keep looking back to remind myself that that ain't me. that i've had fun before.

mich: you'll have a blast, coz you're all set to have a blast. and you'll really do it for me? right, i'll pass you the stuff one day i guess. but i must definitely get it back. they are such precious memories...

i'm going to get a perm. if it looks fine and is gonna turn out fine, i'm getting one. lili thinks it's a bad idea, coz she says my hair texture is good and perming will spoil it. i'll see. and maybe i'll meet her on Good Friday. whoopee! haven't seen her in aeons.

i went out with my class for lunch today! it's record-breaking. first outside-class activity. so maybe they aren't as hyper as those crazy NJ peeps, and they are rather considerate and quiet guai, but they are nice people. the guys, kiwi, yisheng and damien were playing waiters. and yisheng was trying to keep a straight face and said,"who ordered the spaghetti?", sending everyone into bursts of laughter coz some guy ordered it and he was like going,"please answer teh question. who ordered spaghetti?" i'm being lame right. but they can be funny.

we played volleyball for PE and man, it's painful. i must have burst a whole network of capillaries or something. i can't imagine doing it for another 3 months, sounds like absolute torture. plus side? i get to miss PE this friday due to public holiday. that is good.

and i got hw done. so maybe one pathetic econs essay outline and one pathetic trigo question. but considering that my hand was hurting from me chewing on my nails, it ain't that bad...

oh gawd, did i just see wrongly or something? it's past ten! and i haven't showered! great. oh and i altered my skirt. not that i did, but my maid did. and for once, my sis actually agrees with me that i can shorten the skirt. my mom was thinking that knee-length looks good but i daren't wear it at the knee.

and i should go. i really should.

breathe in, breathe out.
patience, my friend. patience.

Xiaoyan
20
business
U of M-Ann Arbor


SPRING break!!
fishball noodle soup
yellow gold heart locket
3.7 GPA
DSLR
cashmere winter coat


cher clara chuan debs terence prong san xuewei toufu 04s71 damian yisheng