blah. i'm not satisfied with my previous entry. it feels..dry.
frankly, i think i have to question my priorities. there is something seriously wrong with whatever i'm doing now. very.

the beginning of this week, especially mon and tue were one of the lowest points in my life. ever. knowing that any horrid situation be it in school of wherever, i knew that i wove the tapestry for it, i had sowned the seeds for the horrid fruit. and i just hated knowing that it was my fault, coz i couldn't blame it on anyone. at all.

on wednesday, i was determined. to become someone, to find a place in HC which is meant for me. to achieve whatever according to those rules i set for myself. the problem was, i got comfy. thur and fri and i think all the days after will turn out better i think. and as i begin to settle in, though i can't find a place to belong to yet, i'm beginning to lose that little motivation caused by distress. i'm rather disappointed with myself, coz again, i've fallen and i'm sorta content with where i am. that's VERY bad.

it's been 3 times since last friday that i've cabbed to orchard. to meet 04S28 people. this is scary. i know i splurge on clothes and all that. that's fine. that worthwhile spending. but i've always been "why take cabs when i have to pay when i can take buses?" or something. and willingly, without blinking an eye or feeling any sense of guilt, i flag down and cab and poof! i'm in orchard in a jiffy. it's this great wastage. but of course, it isn't too much to pay to see those wonderful people.

another thing is that my present class has been having activities. like ice-skating tomorrow and eating ice-cream at venezia's or eating at coro. so maybe very few people actually go and i don't feel like i fit in enough to go, but i should be making it a point to. they are my new class, so maybe more distant. aside from the fact that i may not be free, i know that i'm placing 04S28 above them. it's only natural coz i'm closer to 04S28, but i really should make more of an effort. i know that any time any place, if 04S28 calls, i'll be there in 20 seconds.

i know when i first started out in st nix, i was this dao-er. hated the change hated everything. i vowed to change it in NJ. i'll be participative coz i know how much you put into committing to anything is how much you get. i was thinking of running for council, with so many big dreams. as much as i'd like to slack, but i was all geared up for fun. and yup, i made a difference to my life. i've met great people, made great friends, had a great experience.

but when i stepped into HC. i never did set a goal. i was like why bother? whatever i do, i'm going to lose it all eventually. so why care? and seems like i've gotten stuck in my old mentality. i only have less than 2 short years and i don't even want to make an effort. i'm not in a cca except for the audition i went for. i didn't bother with council coz i thought i'd never make it. and i still think i wouldn't have. the gap between my peers and i is widening everyday. as i just sit and slack and watch the world go by. what happened to "i want to make a difference"?

and yet, i think that if i place HC above NJ, i feel like i'm disloyal and vice versa too. i know any day, if there's a tennis game, i'll root for NJ. partly coz daph and cheryl are playing. i need to check my loyalties here coz obviously something's terribly not right here.

my mom keeps nagging about lots of stuff. she launched her nagging campaign 4 times today and i finally cut her off coz i couldn't take it. yeah. so i come online rather often now. and i chat with those old friends. i haven't studied. i wake up late and stress her into driving faster to send me to school. i need to strike a balance here. i hope one day i can go out both ways.

reality check here. i need to do something about everything.

i've been taking neos a lot these days. with 04S28 people. a lot. it's as if that by taking all these, we can make up for all those which we never took. and then we'd sit down and crap and talk and laugh a lot.
i treasure all those moments. we keep meeting up. i'm hoping to keep it to at least once a week. but i know, very soon, we'll all be preoccupied with our own lives and catching up will mean a lot more than just discussing the old topics. it'll be updating each other about what passed which is obviously extremely troublesome.
in any case, i'll still keep meeting up.

i've decided that i want to change my blog design. i've always wanted to do my own. and yet i've never learnt how to. this round, i want to put the lyrics of dido's white flag on it. and lots of neos and pictures of friends. but of course, i have to learn how to scan and get it all working which is obviously like impossible. i'm just wondering if anyone's keen on doing it for me? though i feel quite mean if i ask mich again. haha.

time flies. it's scary. it's april already. in a matter of months, it'll be promos. i just wish i could catch the little moments of the days and keep them in a little box, play them in chronological order and relieve all those precious moments. i'm being sappy today.

anyway, i went for make up lessons today. i think it's absolutely phenomenal that i could sit through a math lecture without understanding a thing. at all. being bored to bits and yet not sleeping. well, one must understand that my friend and i were singing during math lecture and writing down the lyrics of white flag. so we were pretty much awake and prolly kept others awake too with our not so nice singing.

*I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on.... * --white flag,Dido

that goes out to a particular person out there. to that person, i'm sorry. sorry that we aren't even speaking. sorry for not thinking before i made my choice. whatever the response you have, everything stated in the song will hold true. for quite a long while.
and i'm very sorry.

my life, is being pieced back slowly. at least now i know i'm heading somewhere. and that i can manage it. oh God, i am so thankful. i am still bewildered that i actually made it to such a good class when obviously i have no idea what i'm doing.

gilyn mentioned that NJ only begins mugging after first 3 months that's why it looks slack. oh well, if that's the case, i ain't that far off.
yiwen said that st nix people who make it to hwa chong don't do well, coz our school doesn't cover much outside the syllabus. that's sad. but nevermind, i don't need to be fantastic. i just need to do well.

i went for drama auditions today. and for the first time in a logn well, i actually felt a little glad. i just love acting. it's so fun to be someone else, takes you away from reality. i know this sounds horribly escapish. but no, it's just that our lives are so mundane and stale that every little bit of excitement is a lot. i read the lines for a weary assistant and a bitchy boss. i hope i get a part. then i can belong somewhere.

the 2nd intakers in my class are sort of clicking together. except for 2. i know this sounds really bad, especially when we've got a past and keep refering to it. the point is, i kept thinking that i was the only silly weird one to be feeling sad. man, was i wrong. almost all the 2nd intakers have cried at some point since they came coz we're missing our previous JCs. seems to me that we're breaking and some are trying really hard to fit in. that sounds rather sad isn't it? a rather bleak picture.

i'm online now. that's very bad. coz i shouldn't be. i've overshot the 30 min by 7 minutes already. and i'm going to watch 45min of tv tonight.

i received the make up lessons schedule today. all econs stuff is compulsary. and i'm going for all the maths. and i guess bio too coz HC bio is wham! awesome. that means i'll only be able to miss 1 or 2 lectures at max. aside from the normal basic stuff which i attend in school, i have make ups on wednesday till about 5 and make ups on saturday from about 8-3. that's fabulous right? i must be positive. except that i have one day of lectures and shit right on my birthday in the hols. that's how long the make ups are gonna drag. a couple of months.

alright. so that's about it on my mundane boring life. i'm still living and i'm going to continue living. can't wait for the weekend to come. i want to go out with my NJ mates. but sigh...maybe i'll work a way round it.

thanks taky. really. thanks.

i've made my choice. and i'm staying put. not so much coz of what i have to face, but more coz my bridges have been burnt behind me. i'm going to try.

for a start, i didn't cry today and that's really good. i must tell myself that i have people right there behind me. i'm going to make it.

i don't have to attend every single make up. but i intend to attend most of them. almost all the math lectures, a couple of chemistry ones and maybe one or two bio ones and quite a number of econs ones.
let's face it, i thought that i was getting work doen in the first 3 months. the fact is, i didn't. not one worthy crumb. i can't even get my facts right. the sad part? considring that i didn't get anything done, i surely didn't play hard enough.

now, i'm going to have to pay the price. full amount and interest. i have a stack of books waiting for me to read, and a pile of vcds waiting for me to watch them. my aunts wanna borrow but i thought how about me watching them first? no. my aunts shall get the full sets. the books shall wait.
no tv. i mean it. no Scent of Love even on sundays. i shall watch an hour for a whole week. except for news.
no novels. for spare time, it'll be The Straits Times. Newsweek for CAP periods and days before GP and Time for spare time.
all lecture series will be read through before make up lectures.
all lecture series will be read through by next week.
i will read the SPA manual. even if it's bone dry.
strictly NO shopping. not for at least 2-3 weeks.
various outings will only be with class people(if it's necessary)
and i'll meet regularly with close friends coz that's the only thing keeping me sane.
surfing the web will be confined to once every two days for leisure or 30 min per day. exceptions will be if i have research to do.
get the printer repaired.

all that. i will accomplish. i have to. i'm no.26 in a class of 26. and i don't intend to stay there.


now here's some catches.
i miss my friends terribly. so badly that a kind word from jy in hc can start me all over again.
i miss daphne and cheryl loads. so much that everytime i see them, i just wish i could grow wings and fly back.
i miss cher. thanks love for waiting at the bus stop with me despite the rain.
i miss leelee. there, it's out. i have to admit i spend lots of time thinking about him. about the stupid move i made. wrecking and making a mess of everything. coz i could really count on a few insults from him to brighten my day.
i'm losing my appetite. and looks like it's set to stay. it's been on for 2 days. i'm just eating less, for no particular reason, except that i'm jittery all the time so i can't eat.
i'm losing weight. i just know, coz i'm not eating much.
i'm losing sleep, coz i think of all these weird problems. including the daunting workload.
i'm losing a great deal of confidence.
i think i'm heading for suicidal tendencies. i'm afraid if i keep up, i'm gonna fall apart. but then, i also know that if i last out these 3 months, i'm gonna be stronger. much much stronger. i'm gonna be me again, but a lot more value-added.

so please. help me. i'm trying. honest. pray for me. please. i need to get through this rough patch.
then this little bird with a broken wing will fly again. keep me in your prayers.

God knows. i want to be a fighter too. i want to stand on my own two feet, without depending on anyone. without a care, knowing it'll always be self-motivated me that's driving me on.

i want to go so far. want to face up to what's daunting me.

but my world's crumbling right before my eyes.
truth is. i'm afraid. so afraid. i daren't even look up and face everything before me.
i can't even choose or come to a decision.

i'm just sad. depressed. and most of all. disappointed. disappointed in myself.

today started out boring. i came late to school, got my first late slip cum demerit point. but i didn't care. coz i knew i was gonna have a rockin' good time after.
lessons ended at 2.40pm. crashed NJ and worried my life away while doing that. then realised my class was at cine, so i cabbed there. been cabbing so much these days.for some dumb reason.

took a bunch of neos and the sabo-ed me so leelee and i ended up looking really dumb in a single picture. then we took the bus back to NJ and had dance party. and daph and cheryl told me something which i believed. shan't say now coz it's absolutely embarrassing. had a smashing good time. we were all screaming and on this wild high. dancing and shaking and whatever.

then we went on to KAP. leelee joined us like later after his choir. i was all queasy from too much jumping about. the rest, is history.

i looked forward to today so much. sacrificed a whole weekend for it. but like always, whenever i want soemthing to happen a lot, something always ruins it. well, nothing happened during that magical period. but the aftermath was painful.
lili says i was really brave and i think i am. coz i know i'm never ever gonna do what i did ever again. fine, maybe not forever, but not anytime soon. not this year. not next. not.

somehow, everything beautiful never lasts. never. i just know it. so why bother right? i gave something away, it got trampled on. thanks a lot. i don't blame whoever. it's just me. always it's just me.

anywya, my world's crumbling now. i daren't ever return to NJ now, coz of... and i'm very behind time in HC. i'm not making proper close friends, and i'm way cut off. i really don't know how it's going to work out.

today was one of the nicest days i had. and also one of the worst. i'll never forget that.

i have a box of memories.
it's slowly getting all filled up.

it holds good and bad memories.
but somehow, the good keeps staying and the bad keep fading. fading till i don't know why i had them in the first place.

my first 3 months were filled with good memories. laughing memories. happy memories. even the bad ones have become hilarious.

i want to keep adding on to my box of memories. and someday, every single one inside will be a happy memory.

i hope that what i'm banking on now will morph into a happy memory.

and whilst i'm coming to terms with this feeling, i'm thinking it's nothing. and then again, it may be something more.

Xiaoyan
20
business
U of M-Ann Arbor


SPRING break!!
fishball noodle soup
yellow gold heart locket
3.7 GPA
DSLR
cashmere winter coat


cher clara chuan debs terence prong san xuewei toufu 04s71 damian yisheng