Saturday, February 28, 2004
no point beating about the bush.
i got 7pts., am very relieved. thank you God.
i'm happy too, a little. coz my parents are happy and proud of me.
CCC: you guys gave your best. remember: the greatest reward for a man's toil is not what he gets through it but what he becomes by it. so guys were really great honest. and i still dunno how to pitch a flagpole.
xuewei: hiyah. i always go back and then never talk to you. sorry la. but no fretting. i'll be back. again.
chuan: no more crying k? your flagpole is superb. sart and straight. and you've given the maximum already, even to the extent of twisting your wrist. i think it was great, you were great and everyone did well. so what's more to think of k?
yesterday was by far, the longest day of my life. okay fine, it wasn't quite as long as a day in training camp. but it was long anyway. going to NJ in the morning was absolute torture. i was in panic. but going back to st nix, set me in full force. hearing all those announcements like only 55% in top 5 sounded horrible. one moment, i was thinking, hey i can do it. next moment, it was freak attack.
but i got back by results(everything said now cannot possibly convey the emotions to even 20%) and i couldn't believe it. kept checking the number and the name. haha. still in disbelief now, though i'm slowly realising it.
so i went out after. with cher. and walked a little. stoned a little. talked much more. didn't buy anything. just ate and slacked and counted to check who's treating who. L1R5, cher's treating me. L1R9, i'm treating her. subject comparison, we're quits. haha. so we're going out another day.
went to PA today to support CCC. i dunno how to gauge larh. but i think it was well done. the effort's there, so it's enough.
then went out with min and mich. had lunch. then bought 2 pairs of shoes. min left. so mich and i continued shopping. tried on stuff at topshop. and i bought a halter after from giordano. i ate again, then we sat delifrance and chatted for like at least one and a half hours. i realise that i don't really care to walk around much these days. content to just talk.
came back and my sister's friend fabian was over. so we were just talking.
i'm thinking of going to shop tomorrow. i know i'm crazy. but who cares right?
as for Jc application, i haven't decided. i guess it'll be NJ. but i'll see. i'll decide on monday.
Thursday, February 26, 2004
results. results.
how?
panic, panic.
dead.
nervous breakdown.
i can't take this any longer!!
i shall leave the worst for the last.
i went for auditions yesterday. i auditioned for the role of a cranky old auntie. i think i fared okay. my voice actually sounded like a cranky old aunt. but i seriously doubt i'll get in. like 19-20 people and only 1 will be chosen. but now when there so many troubling thouhgt, or should i say, 1 massive thought which is troubling every cell of my system.
about NJ. scratch everything. i'll stay. coz i realise, it's too much to ask for already. if i get to stay, i'm thankful.
tomorrow. tomorrow...
needless to say i'm sure everyone knows that O's are coming out tomorrow. it's so final. everything's gonna be settled once tomorrow's over.
fear. fear. fear. it's the only thing on my mind. i tell myself not to think about it. and my mind goes, don't think don't think don'tthinkdon'tthinkdon'tthink! that ain't much better.
gonna pon school tomorrow. i don't care if my sis kills me. i'm gonna sleep late tonight after i watch tv, then i'm going to sleep in until around 11 or 12. as long as i can possibly sleep.
the less time i spend awake, the better. then i'll stop thinking about my results. i just have this feeling it's not gonna be good.
i just hope it won't plague me in my sleep. i've already dreamt about it.
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
i'm scared..
some things are resting heavily on my mind. yet, though it worries me, i think i'm also pretty certain about them.
about staying in NJ, i don't think i'm all that keen anymore. i've made some really nice friends. done some really stupid things. seen some lowdown behaviour. learnt some boring lessons. treasured some fleeting moments.
been there, done that.
but i'm not too sure whether i'm still meant to be there. my teachers are really quite horrid. the econs teach, chem pract teach and econs lecturers have been great. they've made lessons really seem worth it. but i can't say so for the rest. though i did stay awake during today's bio tutorial.
and the closer friends i've made, don't really wanna stay. i know if i don't do too well, i definitely wanna stay coz i don't want to go to AJ. quit it, i shan't think of this first.
i have SYF drama auditions tomorrow. not too concerned whether i wanna get in. let's just wait and see.
this is the most important part.
i think i'm changing. i dunno how to explain this. except that i think i am. something about JC. or should i say, certain habits or things i'm adjusting to.
i think i'm becoming frivolous, flippant and immature.
i think i'm losing my perspective and goals. i think i'm focusing on all the wrong things. i've become more 'extremist' than ever.
i barely say ten words to litey in a week. i haven't shopped with cher. or spoken much either. my primary school mates added me onto friendster and i realise i don't know what to say about them anymore. not that i knew much initially.
i don't want to change. i may be sarcastic, blunt, messed up, completely cranky and irrational. but all these gave me true friends to treasure. i don't want to compromise them for some whacko character of mine.
i cannot change. i must not. i will not.
i will not.
Monday, February 23, 2004
there's this really nice song. the ending song of the show scent of love. called deng dao tian qing wo li kai ni(meaning i'll leave you after the rain has stopped)
sorta sad. but too beat to be sad.
i came back early today. the earliest in goodness knows how long. ended at 3. whee! the gp teach didn't come to school today, so we had the 2 hours off. i had every intention of ponning chem but i decided that i had better stay though i just stoned through the whole lesson.
PE was horrid. i ran 2km last week. instead of 2.4 coz i was running in tennis shoes and my ankles were really painful coz the shoe was too flat. and today, we were supposed to play games. tammy ho told us to run 1 round first. i burned some energy running a pretty fast round only to have her tell me that the rest will play while me and a few unfortunates will make up and run. the rest hadn't run before, i was the only one who was retaking except for those who decided to run for fun. i don't care for the games coz it's captain's ball and i don't really fancy it. alina was real nice to run with me. and kept pushing me. but my running was so bad that the rest had finished playing ball and i was there stuck running. so loads of people came to join me. there was alina, daph, cheryl, jia chien, jonathan i think xuezhen too. loads anyway. thanks guys. i bet like everyone within the vicinity was looking at me run so pathetically but nevermind. i sprinted the last bit and i must say they were taken aback that i could actually sprint. my class people were cheering for me on the specs stand. during the last bit, my shoe flew off into the air and it was quite funny really. i clocked a really bad timing. 19min 16sec. embarrassing really. especially when i think that i used to be from NP and i took people running. sec 3s, you guys are laughing right? so that was like 2.8km i ran today.
my left knee's weird. just so. it's painful when i straighten it and it keeps making weird noises. i think it can even bend in the wrong direction. i hope it'll go away.
my mom's coming back this sun. and come march hols, i'm flying to shanghai to join my dad and have a holiday. it's way cool coz we get to save on accomodation. and i can be someone living there instead of a tourist. i'm not keen sightseeing. but i love the feeling of being able to take the underground myself(okay fine. with my cousin perhaps) and eating cheap local delights. shopping in the places the locals do. eating xiao long pau. can scarcely wait. jc life is rather oppressing i'd say.
i've noticed that i've mentioned a lot about him in a lot of my recent entries. and i will stop this. i know that a blog is practically the online public equivalent of a diary and i can write about all that. but all this is shallow and i can't possibly morph into some boy-crazy lass. very un-me. besides, i'm thinking that i'm being affected coz i'm letting it get to me. i should just be myself(or is that me?). right.
but i needa say something. spoke to cher yesterday. and she went for talentime and saw arty performing. he and BK formed a band and sung some love song and apparently, she looked at him and sung the ending lines 'i love you'. wow, huh? i just find the whole episode so impossible, so movie-like.
completely unrelated. i'm doing this avocado and oatmeal mask now. my sister's. and it's pretty cool. though my face feels all stiff and numb. and i can't resist the temptation to prod and poke my skin to feel the weird sensations.
results are coming out this week. my maths teach says it can't be saturday coz well it can't be. and friday is unlikely coz of budget day speech. so that leaves thurs or wed. i must admit that i'm jittery. though not quite so bad. partly coz i'm thinking that i won't do too badly(though that's hard to say, so i won't say anything first) and partly coz i'm resigning myself to whatever i'm gonna get. i hope it won't be too bad coz i'd hate to call my parents to tell them about whilest they're overseas and it won't be nice to spoilt their trip by saying that i F-ed my O's or something. or got a whopped big number.
and i've decided. if it's good grades, i'll go out and celebrate if anyone's keen. or i'll head straight to the hairdresser's and cut my hair, do something about it and get highlights. if they're bad, i'll come home, have a good cry, and sulk while i watch tv. so i really hope i'll do well.
oh. and if you've noticed. i took off 4 blondes from my reading list. not that i've finished it. but the book's simply too bimbotic to be read. it's fine if you wanta lightread, but it's somewhat like a short story coz it's broken down into 4 parts and i don't like short stories coz i always feel that there isn't enough time to develop the character and plot of the story as well as describe it beautifully enough.
and oh. they did the pub stunt for SYF drama auditions. i'm gonna try out and i got a copy of the script from the letter tray. it's very oldish kind of script. sort of jane austen though not quite so old. more like children of new forest i should say. it ain't easy and i'm beginning to doubt whether i'll make it through. but at least now i'm not so particular, coz i may not wanna stay anymore. anywya. how much more harm can it do me? i'll just take another blow ego and morale-wise.
i should really be going. my face is dry and caked.
