Saturday, February 14, 2004
i've slept a long time. went to bed real early last night at nine plus.
i've slept a good sleep.
went to mass really early and the priest gave a good homily(i didn't sleep afterall).
and prayed about my results. it's gonna plagued me for a long long time. but i'm much relieved now.
and feeling a lot better.
yesterday feel's rather faraway.
going out for dinner tonight. coz my dad's back and we are having some extended family reunion or something.
and maybe, just maybe, i'll get a hair cut. something shorter. sorta long and sorta short.
and when the results are back, i'll get highlights, and maybe, just maybe, a perm(no not the crazy ringlets sort.)i'm refering to soft wavy curls.
i know i haven't mentioned my homework. i have tonnes to do. and for econs, i think i'll just die with ALL the structured essays. just think: RIP econs essays and xiaoyan or something.
and now? i'm going back to sleep.
"*Am i not pretty enough,
is my heart too broken?
do i cry too much,
am i too outspoken?
don't i make you laugh?
should i try it harder?
why do you see,
right through me?
i live, i breathe,
i let it rain on me.
i sleep, i wake,
i try hard not to break.
i crave, i love,
i've waited long enough.
i try as hard as i can.
*chorus
i laugh, i feel,
i make believe it's real.
i fall, i freeze,
i pray down on my knees.
i hold, i stand,
i take it like a man.
i try as hard as i can.
*chorus"
~kasey chambers~
to everyone, happy valentines'!
i'm not gonna spoil anyone's day. so i recommend that you read it after valentines'.
coz for me, today has been crap.
it started out bad. with me nearly puking in the morning. due to my horrid throat, i have the urge to puke everytime i brush my teeth coz i taste the toothpaste and always end up coughing.
i was late and ran into wendy. and both of us walked in to turf city for the road run. the whole time having dear BK and kim in front of me. talking. and going everywhere.
got vdae gifts from cher(i love the note and the bandanna), min and cheryl and daph. i really didn't expect to get anything from them. just like getting from yunshan, shingmin and jasmine&co. i was really touched coz our class didn't really do any gift exchange stuff and cheryl and daph gave to only me in the class.
the run was..well, a run.
and kim kept materialising infront of me and disappearing. either behind me or behind my friend or something. and always with BK. and flirting outright. in front of me if you please. well, of course, i didn't stop them. not like i had painted some sign which said don't flirt before my eyes.
and i had 3 updates that prolly they are together.
to top it off. lisa and buffy are playing games. kidding others to make their object of their intentions jealous. buffy is the max.
i know i sound like some spoilt brat or some childish kid. take your pick whoever. i'm trying not to let it get to me. whatever it is. i shouldn't brood. i should move on.
honestly, who am i kidding? i know i care. i know i'm sad. and i know i wanna cry. and if i could just cry it out, i'd feel so much better.
cheryl and daph are close to me. and they try really hard. always telling me where his is where they've seen him and with who. and today, i tried really hard to joke about it. appearing animated as if i couldn't care less.
smiling over the smallest things so i wouldn't need to feel sad.
headed out with my class people and chilled at cineleisure. the guys were LAN gaming, the girls shopping(ain't this typical?) so daph, cheryl and i went to the arcade and played datona. headed back after. and met litey, cher and their tribe.
i'm going out again later. with my family. i barely speak to my dad now. he's always away. and i can't tell him all this stuff. i don't even know what to say now. he keeps buying us stuff. but i don't need them. as in, i prolly won't wear them. it's really scary. i must try harder to talk to him.
my mom will follow him over next week for 10 days so i'm gonna be on my own pretty much coz my sis will be absorbed in her own stuff.
i watched survivor yesterday. it's sad. jenna left coz she feared for her mom and her mom died soon after. i feel really sorry for her. but thank God, coz she got to see her mom at least. it'd be worse if her mom died before she got back.
this valentine's has been painful. but not without love. coz yeah. i'm still feeling it.
to cher: we will go out. and shop. afterall, retail therapy right? i miss ya loads girl. and you will get a date. God knows how much more worth it you are. especially when we have such lowlifes in this world.
to litey: thanks dear. i'm going to be fine. and you're gonna get your vdae pressie. and us lightbulbs are going to go out! love you dear. i know i can always depend on ya.
to mich: i haven't said much to you these past few days. even to the extent of 2 weeks. i just wanna let you know that i love ya. and best of luck with you know what.
to cheryl and daph: thanks a lot for the gummies. and for always pushing me to try. to seek. and always supporting me. it wouldn't have been the same without you guys. and cheryl, stanley is quite a nice guy.
to irene: i'm sorry i judged. you prolly won't ever know. but i wanna say that you are a really nice person.
to kim: i really like you. and i care. a lot. but i'm going to move on.
to buffy: quit playing games. love isn't a game. if you want something, go get it. if not, discard it. you're playing with people's feelings. trying to make shaowei jealous isn't gonna work. i'm not dense you know. ending the conversation suddenly when i come around, doesn't mean i'll never know. quit broadcasting your triangle about gaius and shaowei and whatever. it's attarcting attention, and soon, it's gonna attract irrtation. i am. i ain't an idoidt and you aren't either.
to gaius: go after her if you want. if you're rejected. then so be it. everyone's getting muddled.
to BK: i don't know your name. i hope it's only my intuition. but you seem to smirk, or smile extra sweetly when i'm around. if you are, quit whispering about daph, cheryl and i. i don't know you, and i don't want to. seriously, i don't care.
valentines' in a mixed school is just so complicated. i'd choose one at st nix anytime. i want to pretend i'm not affected. but i know i am. i hate the fact that i'm letting it get to me. when it shouldn't. but so it is for the person who acts on her instincts and feels before she thinks.
i'll get over it i'm going to.
and again, to everyone, happy valentines' day.
""Welcome to the real world", she said to me
Condescendingly
Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding
Up my sleeve
They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side
I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above"
~John Mayer~
Thursday, February 12, 2004
i feel like blogging and yet i don't. i'm weird.
poof! i am beat. was gonna blog last night but didn't come online. i did brisk walking, went cycling, sprinted about 70m, did stretches, lifted some weights and danced 30-45 minutes of DDR yesterday. as part of some exercise routine which i felt like doing. and today we had PE, and i came back to dance more DDR. the diet mode thing said i lost 120 calories. that's sad, coz one dry biscuit is roughly 35 calories. and i ate one after.
tomorrow is friday the 13th, also vdae eve. i've settled the vdae gifts pretty much. just needa write some stuff.
i was really pissed yesterday. kept running into arty. and BK broiler. irene(macdonalds) is actually quite a nice person, at least i think so. but cheryl and daphne mentioned that BK would whisper with arty and macs everytime we walked past. i've not noticed that, but i must admit, we're always causing commotions. always crouching on to the gound to laugh. always teasing and joking and laughing outright.
so i was pissed. i dunno i just kept feeling like boxing someone. and the cedar girls in cher's class was really exasperating. she's in my enterprise group too! she just kept picking on my presentation and asking questions, pissing me off totally. it's like this unspoken rule: don't trouble others when they are presenting or something. and she did it so many times. exasperating arse.
did i mention i had a splitting headache before that? panadol extra didn't work for a real long time.
we had most irritating NE talk. i didn't comprehend a single word. alina and i were playing this dumb game where we had to sit as straight as possible. without hunching at all. we looked like spastic idiots but who cares. i won. stupid game. but my back hurt like hell after. didn't mind coz arty was sitting some way in front. about 40metres maybe? and if i sat really straight, i would be able to see his back. so spejnt the whole time doing that.
min dragged me for guitar. and i really didn't wanna go. just didn't feel like anything.
me: wo3 bu4 yao4 qu4
min: qu4 la qu4 la
me: bu4 yao4. xin1 qing2 bu4 hao3. hen3 xiang3 zou4 ren2.
me: hao3. wo3 qu4. chu2 fei1 ni3 rang4 wo3 zou4 ni3.
min: (she actually turned around and showed me her arm) hao3. ni3 zou4 wo3. dan4 bu4 yao4 da3 tai4 da4 li4. bu4 yao4 da3 wo3 de4 lian3.
i didn't whack her. not so mean. but i was really surprised that she actually said i could. but what's the point right? the person i'd like to zou is not even her. and i musn't let my anger get the better of me. how can i let such insignificant people get the better of me?
today was kinda sucky. i loathe thursdays. seems to me that i hated them in sec 3 and 4 too. thurs in 2U were cool. we ended at 1.10pm. it was our early day and slacker day. but here. no-no. lectures are better than tutorials, coz you just blindly copy and stone for an hour. but tutorials, you have to listen and do homework in advance and prepare tutorial questions. all of which i hate and i don't do.
chem pract was fine. but bio lect was like bulletmouth. davidson made us copy a lot of stuff when he could have printed them coz he printed incomplete notes and he went so fast we could only copy and not comprehend and really messed up a lot of stuff. bio tutorial was worse, we spent 1 hour discussing the same thing about sucrose, maltose and fructose.
econs was cool. the tecah didbn't come today so we had it off. but i rather she come coz when she doesn't she gives loads of work. we got 2 sheets of structured essays to do and 3 sections of MCQ. my GP teach didn't come either so we got yet another free period.
arty's going on 19. i saw arty today. i actually i do all the time. but from a distance. he changed Us with some ACS person. and he's got a good built and must have picked a size too small. coz the pants was really tight on his butt(it was tight and not saggyish) . and he looked like he was wearing fitted bell botts or something. i really could not help laughing.
today is dixon's 21st bdae. that sounds really old. i nearly forgot about it so it shows that i'm getting over it. perhaps more so coz i have arty to occupy much of my thoughts. very sorry but i have no interest in math. i'm just thinking, it's been about 4 years and 2 over months since i last spoke to him. he was going on seventeeen then and now i am going on 17. it's so scary, how we just grow up. and looking back on things i had dared to say then, i realise that i mightn't say 'em anymore now. we are all moving on.
last event to note. my ez-link was flat today. i thought i had 5 cents which would have been able to last me the ride to the station to top it up. but no. i had 35 cents with me and i tried to ask the driver if he would let me with just 35 cents. but no. he didn't even give and answer and just told me that the fare was 55 cents. which reminds me of what mr geraint wong had said before that singaporeans don't answer questions. so i had to borrow some money. buffy who was on the bus with me was talking to shaowei, the guy she likes and i was there playing gooseberry. i asked this woman for 2 bucks of change but she said she didn't have any and just offered to help pay the difference for me. i felt really bad. she handed me 20 cents.
but then, esther came up the bus and i decided that i would borrow from her instead. so i tired to return the lady her money. but she refused to accept it. and then. i dropped the 5 cents. exasperating incident. it was at the Nj bus stop and i know loads of people on the bus were prolly staring at me. humiliating. then some nanyang girl helped me pick up the coin. so now i'm like indebted to 2 people. i thanked the lady repeatedly and move to the rear of the bus. my sis and mom heard the story and laughed. sigh. i guess i'll always get to be the laughing-stock.
right. i will go now. gonna sleep.
God's gonna make tomrrow a beautiful day. with warm sunshine and a heavy dampish breeze. white fluffy clouds and the smell of rain. and of course. vdae eve. a day with love, for love and in the name of love.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
love is in the air. v'dae's coming!
this year. i bought vdae stuff for just 5 people. i'm feeling bad that i should buy for more. but i've decided not to. went to ikea just now. i haven't been there for ages and seriously, hey have really fun stuff there.
aside from the vdae gifts, i bought this heart-themed quilt cover set and rug. one in red and one in white. it's the season for love anyway. and i love red so well. i am bushed. the bag was uber heavy and i'm really sleepy.
nearly died in panic today. someone said O's will be out on 17th. i'm not too sure now, which date it is. but it's fear i'm feeling. my stomach jumped when i heard the possible change in date and i went all cold and clammy. it's freaky. i want to stay. honest. i don't care whether i get 7 or 10 or whatever. i just want to stay. and i wish they'll let me.
and jonathan from my class sleeps at 2am every night. gets 4.5 hours of sleep in the whole day and is fine about it. he does work all the time(he says so and i'm believing) and only goes online if there's research or work to do. he is scary. really. and i realise, he's not alone. i sleep early and i don't get work done. even the amelia does work though only on weekends. but she finishes them. me? i just sit and rot. and slack.
arty is definitely staying in NJ. he's one of those who have already gotten their results so he's definitely in for 2nd intake. macdonalds ain't confirmed. i dunno about burger king. and me? we'll have to see.
and now? i should get some work done. but seriously i'm too tired to care. very tempted to pon tomorrow. but there's bio pract and davidson will burst an artery if we don't turn up. i had better go. yawn~sleep consumes me..
Monday, February 09, 2004
mich&cher: que sera sera.
apologised to leelee. quitted stalking arty. but i get to see him 3 times tomorrow. so that makes up for it. *wink*
vivian was in orchard and saw a postcard she thought i might like and got it for me. that was so sweet. i mean she actually remember that i love doodling and scribbling and basically not paying attention. and it'son of those moulin rouge-lookalike cards. and it's not like we are uber close or something. thanx love.
skipped PE. i am sick(indignant look). like ill. can't i just get well?
went to BK with cher after school. i must go to Ikea tomorrow. i have to. somehow.
did some econs. it's tough but i got through.
chem sucked though couldn't even manage a question. mr singh picked all the awful questions.
and we have bio tutorial tomorrow. thinking of P.davidson makes me groan. and to think i have to stay back just for his lesson. i definitely have to do tonnes of questions for him. bio is turning out to be sucky.
oh well. till the morrow.
Sunday, February 08, 2004
i went for mass today. and i didn't sleep. thank God i didn't. i can't sleep anymore. it's scary. i just sleep and nap and sleep again.
what happens if i sleep away my life? and then of course, i prayed. so hard. just knowing that all i have now is to trust in myself and in God. but i daren't trust myself. i am unreliable. geminis are flighty. so it is God whom i'll put my trust in.
we had class gathering today. basically only the locals turned up. saw lili. and we were like hugging on the road pavement and the people in the cars were all staring.
it's interesting how us people just get to JCs and suddenly either people are wooing them or they are crushing people and everyone was talking about so and so and who and who.
i've concluded that bubbly girls are for entertainment and quiet virtuous girls are for life. that sounds sad right?
i hope i see qian jing tomorrow. so i can talk to him or apologise. i hope he didn't take anything personally. i was just feeling unwell. but the way i said it sounded like some personal insult. just great right? always getting into awkward situations.
and seems like the 4T people in Nj don't really like buff. something about her and liking shaowei. shan't say more.
and i have decided on something. i will not run away.(now all i need to do is say it often enough. and then i won't right?)
i don't think arty knows his results yet though he is a malaysian scholar. well, neither do i. if we find out, and if one of us can't stay in NJ after first intake, then i'll just go up and tell him i like him. and i'll put everything behind and move on.
if we both stay. i'll shut up. won't say anything. and hopefully i'll get on too.
here's the catch: do i want to?
