my sis called yesterday. so i listened in on the conversation between my sis and my mom. i was NOT eavesdropping coz they wanted me to hear. so my mom started the whole thign by going on and on and saying how's she resigning yadda yadda. then my sis talked a little about some mixer project thingy. and then my mom would remark and talk. so i was basically supposed to express myself. which didn't work out since my mom interrupted every 3 seconds or something. and believe it or not, i barely spoke a word.
then when we hung up the phone more than a hour later, of which i spoke about 10 minutes personally to my sis. my mom started on my case about 'how much i talk' and 'how it's very irrtating and no one wants to hear'. thank you. that's so pot calling the kettle black. did it occur to her that perhaps i inherited those genes from her? or how she was the one talking like anything? or how my sister's conversation with me basically revolved around all the weird BIG changes happening and about how i must be nice to my mom since she's going through this transition period?

i want my mom to relax and all. coz honestly, if you asked me what my mom enjoys doing, i'd say packing. that's the only thing she does. she's the sort of mom who lives for the family. for dad, for sis, for me. not for herself. i don't mind if she's selfish and lives for herself. but don't try living through me or living my life or something. i'm scared that when she's not working, she's gonna breathe down my neck every 15 seconds and i won't be able to take it. everyone's happy that my mom's decided to resign. except me perhaps. actually i am. just that i don't know if it's a good idea.

i'm not getting any real studying down. been at chinese for yesterday and today. and i haven't even finished half of the cheng yu. urgh.

am reading pride and prejudice now. it isn't half bad. in fact it's interesting, though i wish they'd express themselves in simpler English for my benefit. i'm the sort who reads details. i don't just want to know the plot, i want to understand the whole thing inside out. and it's so hard to understand their debates or teasing. but all in all, i'm going to start Jane Austen.

prelim results will be back soon. next week. i know it ain't going to be good. not with how little i studied. but i haven't much motivation anyway.

i must be crazed. blogging at 9.30 in the morning. was up at 6.50. just 'coz i wanted to go to the market so i could eat roti prata. was about to begin revision for chinese when i just HAD to go online(a.k.a. just HAD to not study)


You're Most Like The Season Autumn ...

You're warm, and the most approachable. You have
that gentle prescence about you. People can
relate to you, and find you easy company.
However it's likely you've been hurt in the
past and it has left you scarred so things can
become rather chilly with you at times. Being
the third Season in, you're mature, trustworthy
and loyal to your friends but prone to
depression and negative thinking.

Well done... You're the shy and sensitive season :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

prone to depression and negative thinkng. i think i spend most of my life beneath the Healthy Emotions Standard or something. if ever there was one. it's not surprising, considering that people keep dealing me with blows.

first my dad decides to work overseas. yesterday, my mom said she resigned from her job. she's gonna work till mid-October and then zilch. a kid's forever gonna be a kid. but i guess my parents are realising that i know more than i let on, 'coz i'd catch snippets of their conversation unwittingly. and my educated guesses just hit it on the dot.

so yesterday my mom dropped her bombshell. i just wish grown-ups will just clue us in. i'm 16 after all. like maybe they could have discussed it first. i know she's been wanting to retire but i thought it'd be next year or something. not 2 weeks from now? always left behind, always the last to know, always kept in the dark, always groping around, always anticipating and guessing.
the best part is, other then the initial 'you're kidding right', i was quite calm. i guess i saw it coming. in my heart and mind somewhere, i was prepared for all this weird things. i think deep down, i knew. just didn't quite knock-me-unconscious or something.

and we were at the dinner with my cousin last night before he goes back to do his MBA. and my uncle was talking about going to Vietnam for the year-end holiday. and they asked me. i said no. i told them i had easily ranked 16 places in the world where i wanted to go and maybe more, and Vietnam wasn't on the list. they commented that what i wanted was luxury and not visitng some 3rd World country. made it seem like i was some spoiled ass. so even if i'm a spoiled ass(hopefully not), so what. i made it clear, if i have to hitch-hike to england then i will. i don't need a 5* hotel. i want a break, a life, and my choice. one day i'm going to Vietnam. gonna buy those woven silky thingys. but it's not goint to be this year.

my dad remarked in the car that it's coz i don't want to travel with my uncle. perhaps? i don't really want to. and i told my dad outright, that if one day i decide to migrate, i'm never looking back. he was like,'you haven't seen the good in Singapore' i explained myself. living here, you are influenced by everything here. and slowly, you change from what you originally were. i'm prolly going to JC and taking science stream, just coz it's the thing to do if you want to make a living later. few dare to go for what they honestly want. if ever i have kids, i want them to dare to go for whatever they want, to have the heart to try because they feel like it. not coz it's The thing to do. and if i'm just going to live stifled here, then no way.

anyway, i've deicided that i won't go for the seminar later. again, i know that deep down, i never intended to go. but dad said an outright no yesterday. and i guess i was just waiting all along for someone to say no, so i could just not go. sad huh? but i'm not going anyway.

watched survivor last night! whee! Drake won again! i'm sad that the skinny ryan guy got voted off. Osten should have gone. looks canm be deceiving huh/ i thought he was the macho sort who'd stay the journey or something. skinny ryan reminds me of my friend Asahi(in looks). kinda cute actually. but osten. he's really no good. aye. still like Rupert.

shall watch show later. now is chinese revision time.

today's papers were really horrid. i guess when you have expectations and things flop, it's like double whammy.
i honestly haven't started chemistry and the exam's tomorrow. this week, i've been ill-prepared for everything. just gotta keep pressing on. 5 days, 5 more papers. i'm almost there.

decided to do the characters first, since the quotes need some research. anyway, i was watching tv today(no surprise there) and there was this really funny quote. the chinese official was heaping the blame on himself and wrote something on the board before him:

"ai3 de2 guo4 huo3. zui4 gai1 wan4 si3." basically means, i deserve death for loving too much.

4. 16 characters whom I love

1. Lieutenant Danny Walker [Pearl Harbor]
2. Arthur Pendragon [Queen of Camelot]
3. Lancelot [Queen of Camelot]
4. Nitta Sayuri [Memoirs of a Geisha]
5. Scarlett O'Hara [Gone with the Wind]
6-7. Xiao Long Nu and Yang Guo [The Return of the Condor Heroes]
8-9. Kang Xi and Huai Yu [Huai Yu Gong Zhu]
10-11. Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe [The 'Anne' Series]
12-13. Aragorn and Faramir [LOTR]
14. Guinevere [Queen of Camelot]
15. Junxi and Taixi [Autumn in my Heart]

there. fine cher. admittedly taixi isn't half bad. dinner now.

there. my side bar is practically empty. i can't even say i like watching tv. coz i watched tv again today. and wasted my afternoon. i have math and geog to manage. and tv is just an addiction. the more i try to let go, the harder it sticks. i don't care. i'm going to try and stay up late tonight. the first time ever this prelims. i have to get 2 or 3 chapters of geog done. am selecting topics to study.

now for my next issue of 16 things.

2. 16 things that I hope to do in the next 16 years

1. Write novels. [one good one is good enough]
2. Produce a movie
3. Act.
4. Study overseas
5. Fall in love.
6. Learn languages [Jap, French, Korean, Spanish, Cantonese]
7. Travel the world.
8. Achieve security.
9. Learn horse-riding.
10. Learn an instrument [huitar, piano, zither, harp]
11. Learn ballroom dancing [the Latin American back-breaking sort is cool too. is it called square dancing?]
12. Skiing/Ice-skating
13. Build a house.
14. Own a dog.
15. Get married and have kids.
16. Go on a mission trip. [if i can get everything else done. that is]

3. 16 books that you should read (because I love them)

1. Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
2. Gone with the Wind - Margaret Mitchell
3. Queen of Camelot - Nancy McKenzie
4. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
5. Anne of the Island - L. M. Montgomery
6. Rilla of Ingleside- L. M. Montgomery
7. An Old-fashioned Girl - Louisa May Alcott
8. Someone Like You - Cathy Kelly
9-12. The Return of the Condor Heroes - Louis Cha
13. Good Wives - Louisa May Alcott
14. The Children of New Forest - ??
15. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
16. Pearl Harbor - Randall Wallace

ahh.. there. 2 types done. i have to study. somehow.

had a rest at home today. just revised some stuff for bio practical. which means i wasted precious time which i could have spent conscientiously studying my geog. was basically another tv day.

i brought up what i wasn't happy about to my mom. the youth seminar, the holiday. well, my mom kind of listened for a while. then she said,'you don't have to complain so much' something like this. fine, sorry. sorry for being me. sorry for being human.

why do i care so much? i feel cheated. that's what. God, all i want is just a break. not watching tv or something. i want to go away and be normal again. not pretending to study when i'm not, not being hopeful and optimistic when obviously it's just a hoax. who am i'm deceiving? ME! that's who.

spoke to josef yesterday. he's teaching and we were discussing about going into JCs. i said that i didn't know why i was really going there. and why it had to be top 5. except that i must. i said that i was just stalling for a decision. he said,' well, then you are just like everyone else. grazing in the open field.'
thanks a lot. i guess he was trying to piss me off into being me i think. he knows i get really worked up about being ordinary. i told him i wanted to do 3 things. write a novel, produce a film and act in shows. and he replied,' good, at least you're talking sense now. Whee! grace is not a cow anymore!'
that got me thinking. so he continued about how i shoudl try at it and do what i like.

i don't want to go to JC because everyone's going there. i don't want to get good results because it's the thing to do. i don't want to get a degree in something i know i won't enjoy. not my whole life. why is this place stifling me?

why do i have so many questions? why do these questions come at the worst times?

after the heavy entry below(go read) it's time to lighten up. i've split the quiz i took from cher's blog into 16 or less entries. and i'll do them slowly.

1. 16 places that I would like to visit or visit again

1. Spain. [setting of meteor garden 2. vineyards and city life, yet with bustle and rest]
2. New York City [the Big Apple. i'm heading for Coyote Ugly. the street. the heat.]
3. Japan [to Kyoto: land of geisha and culture. to Tokyo: life at it's max.]
4. France [Paris: city of romance. and rural france:bordeaux, champagne. regions of wine breweries. tranquil, rustic, picturesque]
5. South Korea [be it Jeju Island or the rural areas. cool and quiet. my heart's at ease]
6. New Zealand [i could return there a million times, and it'll still hold the same undying beauty]
7. Australia [i've never been to brisbane and gold coast and melbourne. there's something lacking]]
8. Hollywood/Los Angeles [city of movies and productions. a wannabe actor, nowhere else less.]
9. England/Scotland [been there once. 5 years ago. it holds one of the most beautiful memories ever]
10. Niagara Falls [to take my breath away]
11. South America [if my geography does not fail me, from brazil, to puerto rico, to rio de janeiro. it's country and soul. raw and real. my impression at least]]
12. Venice [ride in the gondolas. a beautiful city of the past]
13. The Forbidden City [i may not like mandarin as much now. but this place still holds the same majesty as before. i want to spend 3 days walking the grounds.]
14. China. [in my own time. no stupid package tour. just walking the miles and tracing history's tracks]
15. Mongolia [that i may ride the plains]
16. The World [that i may find the place which can keep my mind, heart and soul.]

'zuo4 ren2, ze3 me4 zhe4 me4 wo1 nang4, wu2 nai4?'

i hate this. i hate being controlled. true, nobody said i couldn't do anything. but there's so many implications which are restricting me! and how many horrible things can possibly happen?

my dad's gonna work overseas. i never asked him to do any such thing. i only ask, if he goes, take me too. but no, i can just sit there and watch him pack up and go, while i rot to heavensville.

everyone's migrating. fine. not everyone. but friends who make living here worthwhile, and apparently, some will go if the timing's right. hey stupid me, you knew, deep down, and just didn't want to acknowledge it, right?

my cousins and aunt have subtly affirmed that i will get a single-digit L1R5 and have weighed all the varying possibilities. don't they realise that by saying this, they are leaving me with no way out? 6 points! i never dreamed of getting that, and i still don't. the noose is so tight already!

my dad and mom keep chanting how i must study hard and so on. everything said, just makes me feel bad that i won't do well enough. sure, they never said i must get 6 points, but all the unspoken is just plain killing me!

the starhub phone bill for the cell phone is here. even the freaking bill wants to deceive me! some friggin' plan which i exceeded by a cent though i've been so wary about using thje phone! i'm supposed to be way under, not overused!

my catechist called. asked me to attend 2 seminars this weekend. please! stop it! i have prelims. maybe i won't study. but..'grace, i'm sure it will be very beneficial to you. especially the one on sunday about missionaries, you or your family members may decide to go on a mission trip overseas like the other youths.' yeah, it's beneficial. but not now! i don't want no mission trip! i want a holiday! a holiday i've waited one whole year for. a holiday away from all the cares of singapore, where no one knows me and won't tell me to study somemore.
she doesn't realise that if i want to go, i have to get past my mom. and my mom will say 'i leave it to you. if you want to go then go. but don't blame me for not reminding you that it's very important now to study' or 'i cannot believe you are considering these seminars when your time is short'. and i go, and get a friggin' scolding when the seminar drags which it will, considering everything i've gone for in church drags.
and i have tuition on sunday. i told her i'll try the saturday one but i'll need permission and she said,'but i'd rather you go for the heavier one on sunday, it's more beneficial'. i have math tuition! and she wants me to cancel it. stop putting me in difficult positions!

and she reminded me about the youth group. my december is gone.

and i probably won't even go overseas for a holiday. coz my dad's new job would restrict him from taking a long leave of absence. and he promised! he knows i've wanted to get out of this living hell for so long. and all he can say is 'but i can still pay for you guys to go'.

and now my relatives are suggesting that we travel with them! NO! NO! NO! my sis won't be there. and i have to go with them and not act myself. i don't want to. i want to go with family friends i've known such a long time. i don't want to go to shanghai. i don't want to eat pig's trotters and remark casually about the weather.

i don't know how to tell all this to any of them. and just end up saying,'yeah, i'll think about it.' hao3 wu2 nai4! why do i say yes when i mean no? why do i not dare to tell them so? that's not me. whenever i try bringing up something serious with my parents, i don't them to think i'm being dumb and childish so i just pretend that i am expressing an impersonal view, and somehow everything's left unsaid. it's all wrong, and everyone thinks it's all right.

i know you think i'm being childish and i'm being stupid and dumbass and kiddish. i don't even know why i care, except that i do. a family's meant to stay together. not my sis in US and my dad in shanghai. it's all these little things which creep up and freak you.

i'm pathetic. i can't do a thing about anything. i can't fix my results. i can't be the actress i want to be. aceing math can't make me a better actor. not that i'm even passing math. ren2 sheng1 you3 tai4 duo1 wu2 ke3 nai4 he2 !

i have time for a quickie. bio. tomorrow. i'm dead. 12 chapters to go. 2 hours. oh no.

but i did have a nice time slacking this weekend.

hey sec 2s! i'll try to jia you. and i'm definitely coming for your squad outing! miss you guys so much! miss taking you guys for activity!

Xiaoyan
20
business
U of M-Ann Arbor


SPRING break!!
fishball noodle soup
yellow gold heart locket
3.7 GPA
DSLR
cashmere winter coat


cher clara chuan debs terence prong san xuewei toufu 04s71 damian yisheng