Saturday, July 26, 2003
had prelim oral this morning. some conversation topic about collaborative activities. i nearly gawked when my tester (ms loh li eng) asked me the question. haha, real funny. so anyway, lili was seated next to me as we waited. we spoke less than usual. and she kept asking me for profound terms and philosophy on life(i use lots of that) and other tough words and stuff, hoping to use them for her oral. i wouldn't have minded telling her all that. but she was so, i don't know, pressing, like she said,"yeah, just tell me kae?" when i asked why.
not that i didn't want to tell her, but on the spot i couldn't recall any offhand coz there was no relation to anything whatsoever. and partly coz i felt like i was being used, being pumped for information. being cynical, i just grinned and brushed it away.
aside from that, we had our LAST np activity today. weixi ma'am said our drills was better than expected. honestly, i've come so far. i always thought(in a stupid way) like i'd never grow up to be a sec 4. like i'd be forever stuck in eternal limbo. but i'm sec 4 now. a week away from my farewell. this time last year, in the np room, fixing farewell gifts for the seniors. i was excited and apprehensive, not knowing what post i'd get, not knowing how tough and rocky the journey would be. all merry and charged. now, sort of deflated.
a marathon run indeed. time flies. i understand a lot of things now better than i did last time. i've been a sec 2 NCO, known a bunch of great people. journeyed through the whole trip of np. indeed there's been portholes and the road's been bumpy. there's also been times when it was smooth sailing. i admit that i may not have chosen the right road all the time. but still i'm reaching the end, where there's another intersection, and i'm going to take a different road now, going round another bend. but ahead now, are some squadmates, already at the finish line and waving. whatever road i've chosen it definitely wasn't the easiest and the shortest.
having come thus, i've made many friends. let's just hope that i've been a bright spot of red and orange, a source of inspiration for some. and as i move on, that i may remain in the heart of hearts, retaining the same glow and light for all...
Friday, July 25, 2003
it's gonna be a long entry. there's a lot to do within the next few days, right up to POP. so much. i don't know if i can finish it all. but i'll try. all the farewell gifts, the sec 2s autograph books, tehre's so many people, so many things, so little time.
mich: honestly, you make my day more. i really realise how dependent i am on you. i really need to thank jasmine ma'am for making minced meat and toufu for the unit day dish. it's changed so much, and i wouldn't be here if not for that plate of stuff. it's fab to know that you're always there. indeed i am much more sour, bitter, sadistic and jaded. who wouldn't be? we both are a little more to that now. i can scarcely believe that i make you happy, coz you do that to me you know?
friends. appearing and disappearing from our life's metropolis. some zip through in fleeting instances on flashy Porches. some crawl through on two feet. some stay and create a home, some drop by for a visit and journey on. friends. bright and distinct spots of yellow, red and orange, fade to blending splotches of brown, cream and grey. how long will the next bright spot last? or is it just another speeding Porche disappearing into the distance?
these past few weeks have passed by in a blur, with certain events registering vividly and others plaing in comparison. when my parents were away and i was sick, i felt lonely, homesick and sad. when i missed the promotion, unappreciated, bitter and resigned. but yet, with each trial i got through, i tried to thank god for it, that i may and have grown stronger from it. and always attributing it to God's work, testing me and pushing me to my limits. and later, when i can hold the burden no longer, knowing that He'll be there, always. reading the comforting inspirational thoughts for each day and knowing that every kind gesture or word from someone was from Him. comforted and strengthened, driven to carry on.
but today, made me question again..is God there? has it been one trial too many? lili and i have been real close since the beginning of the year. like joined at the hip type. we've had our share of arguements and patched it up. and of late, we've been real close, especially a week ago. but for the past few days, she's been behaving weirdly, somewhat restrained, less affectionate etc etc. so today, right before she went of for c.lit, be fore our chem test, she said we needed to talk.
lili: i think we need to negotiate and talk about something
me: (somewhat wary and puzzled) yeah?
lili: uh..i think i don't i want the close friendship between us.
me: (bewildered) huh?
lili: as in, i don't want to be so close anymore. i don't want to be a best friend in class thing. needing each other's company. and waiting for each other. being best friends with a person is really pressurising and i don't want it. we can still be good friends, just not so close as in best friends.
me: what? (really ??)
lili: didn't you realise that the past few days i haven't been so close? you didn't seem to notice it. you made no comment.
me: i did. i just didn't say anything. some things are better kept unsaid. (huangfang and me didn't work out last year. we lasted 6 months and poof! so i decided giving in is a better option)
lili: oh well, yarh.
me: i understand what you are saying.
lili: so you're okay with it?
me: well, do i look like i have a choice here?
and she left to c.lit lesson. 'you're okay with it?' it was more a rhetorical question. more of 'you understand the point i'm making so it's gonna be this way'. how can she just do this to me? it's so abrupt. we were like so close.
and she didn't even say why. i just keep getting disappointed on board the friend ship. if she really didn't want it, she could just shut up and let it fade all away with time. and i won't complain. it'll just be another 'things changed'. but she had to tell it to me, and make me feel so freaking awful.
afterwhich i went to the balcony and teared a little, then to the toilet to wash up. i'm not gonna be able to trust new people with incidents like these happening.
mich was so nice, the entry on her blog got me tearing. then daddy came home and i just couldn't take it. so another counsel session. that was God i believe. sec 4 year is indeed eventful. but how come i ain't happy?
a bright spot has faded. where's the glow from afore?
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
made a few minute changes to my gbook. some wordings and stuff. minute eh?
last night, i intended to sleep before 11pm. i try to meet that as long as i ain't having tests the following day. and no i can't. no matter how i try to fix it such that i can sleep early i always end up late.
yesterday, i ended up reading the entire IKEA furbiture catalogue before i slept. and imagined my bedroom after a facelift. no kidding. new chest. new single seater, new shelves, new cd rack..new clothes hanger, new bed sheets in red, new rug in red or cream etc. i can't wait till after O's to redo the room!
took a bunch of pictures with the sec 2s today. will develop them ASAP. can't wait to see them.
today was post interview. it's so ancient. like i'm back again. yep, it was in a different venue and it was a lot more intimidating. the CIs, officers and Top 4 sitting above.. tomorrow's post discussion. and we're gonna confirm the people who'll take over us. fast eh? take out the old, bring in the new. FWC is in about 9 days time. frankly, i'd never have thought that 4 years would have just gone by in a flash. okay, i admit not a flash.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
mich: personal reasons? not k****th? right? christ the king has a lot. footprints, youth liturgy ministry, maranatha, theatre of gifts, music ministry i can't recall any more..charismatic? i don't know. i would love to join together. cher too. i'm not a really participative person. and their characters really don't quite match well with mine. and i don't clique too well with people outside my class. especially the girls.
was just reflecting after cher's blog entry, that i desperately should stop spending. $173 on vcds this year. i'm not even sure if that's all. and at least $80 on cds. $135 on books. $66 on bags. uncountable on clothes. then there was miscellaneous like body shop lip balm, and the natural source stuff like body glow powder and face crayons and nail polish and scrunchies. and shoes! thank goodness i didn't have to pay for those too. i do this budget spending record thing when i remember and it has definitely added up to more than 400 bucks.
you know what that means? it means that if i didn't spend a single cent, i would have saved 400 bucks. *little voice in head thinks* yeah, but i wouldn't have gotten my treasured pearl harbor dvd with completely drool-worthy josh. right. and i wouldn't have gotten my powder pink Xcessories bag. and my blue and pink Fond Hugs wraparound skirt. ( i should stop trying to justify my cause)
aah! another big realisation. after i finish reading 'just between us' i'll have nothing left to read!*yelp* what am i going to do? okay..so i still have lord of the rings..but.. must go buy somemore. at least i'm not doing anymore 3 hr time-slot readings, just the 20 minutes-before-bed type, oh no.
some things to do:
-polish boots for 1st class
-practise drills
-watch Whale Rider
-watch I Capture The Castle (Brit Film Fest. woohoo!)
-buy Anne of Green Gables dvd (it's $89, so must save)
-buy POP skirt and top(urgent need!)
-do/make/buy FWC gifts (super important! 10 days to go only!)
-pass A & E Maths!(hmm..this is real important..but why is it at the bottom of the list?) *shakes head*
Monday, July 21, 2003
mich: it was min min and lynn. with all due respect. min min deserves it. she's really worked hard and gotten her share of dirt.
juniors: it's not like i intentionally didn't want to tell the sec 2s. i sincerely forgot, till betty told me. coz i thought that i would have time with the squad after my prelim oral.
was just thinking, about what my mom said when i joined np in sec 1. she said, you picked it. i didn't force it on you. so you are gonna stick with it for 4 years. and you are not gonna quit. haha. little did she realise that i could be consistent with it and not quit. she didn't think that i'd give so much to it either.
enough on that. shall talk about yesterday. i went to grandma's place for dim sum breakfast, then to church for mass and cat. class. then sheryl(my catechist) pulled me aside to speak to me at the end of the class. she wanted me to join footprints(a youth group which organises camps) here's roughly what she said:
sheryl: grace, i would really like you to join footprints.
grace: i want to joina youth group, but preferably not that. coz i'm sick of camping. yiu know, my cca.
sheryl: precisely why i think you'd be suitable. you could contribute in maranatha, but you'd be best in footprints. they need people like you, and given you experience in planning camps(i wasn't that great you know), and your intellect. you will be able to get closer with the youths and bring them closer to God.
subsequent chat was basically around the same thing. i'll give it some thought. but i worry too. things always seemed to go wrong when i went camping.
following, i had lunch, then i went for tuition. slept through half of it. way to zonked to do maths properly. then i went swimming. at last! can jian fei. but it's lovely. swimming's great. you feel floaty and light, unlike running, when you feel like the whole world's energy is going against you. and muscle ache is way worse. swam 8 laps. shall do 10-12 laps next week. then shall go buy a bikini. i needa tan.
went to celebrate my mom's b'dae. ate at tony roma's. i ordered the tony roma's star-studded sample. you know, for peeps like me who can't decide. a little of every type of ribs. ate till i was fuul like anything. then went to nydc for dessert. ate a mudpie and drank camomile tea. came home and slept. as for today. it's another school day. that's it. it don't change anything.
