gotta admit today wasn't exactly the easiest day. muster parade. prolly means 'muster up your strength for a parade'. i'm pretty okay now. just feeling maligned and wronged. else i'm okay. i've quite questioning why, coz i know that i can't change anything now, and i didn't make a mistake.

juniors: shall reply like what mich did. i didn't want to elaborate initially, but i'll try to explain certain things. in sec 1, i loved np a lot. it was my number one priority. i gave every ounce of time to it. so much till my squadmates didn't like me. i was like whacko to them. and i saw what the station inspector rank looked like, with the queer yellow cloth(the colour combi is gross, but still..) and i told myself that if i put my heart to it, i'll be the station inspector of my squad. naively, i believed that you can achieve everything through working. don't think that promotion was everything. i loved the activities and my NCOs. yuhan, zhiyi and linda ma'ams made very good seniors. lina and shiyun ma'ams made friends. i enjoyed myself even though i grumbled and had great fun during my sec 1 and 2 years.
you know, have fun and work at the same time. my squadmates were very nice people. i was the first batch of lance corps. then i believe i made a mistake and fell in the CIs opinion. yes, they are humans, but so am i. subsequently, i missed my corp promotion for 2 terms. each time i just felt worse. i was giving so much. unit day IC, failed mock exam to plan the unit day, killed myself over so many things. coincidentally, mich and I each became ICs about 10 times. not exaggerating here. camp IC, food IC, souvenir IC, crowd control IC..u name it, i've tried it all. and each round took up more time. got screamed at by my parents, got nagged at for giving so much time, and then i had to explain that i wanted and needed to give it.
ultimately, i got my sergeant, back to first batch of sergeant again. i was elated, yet wary. yup i have cause for that, coz i'm still a sergeant after a whole year. and i've never stopped giving. and some just don't. my dad says i am foolish. he's right you know.
i gave every bit to the sec 2 squad willingly. they're great and they've made np a lot more pleasurable. i've enjoyed my time spent with them, and it's nice to know that they've learnt. i stopped liking np for it's activities, but like them for the people instead. it's taken a lot to come this far for 4 years. i've cried so many times, over so many things to do with np. i haven't got my staff, and i'm not station inspector either. admittedly, min min and daph is better perhaps. the CIs can make mistakes, but one cannot make the same mistake so many times. today it's mich and me and several other squadmates. as you guys journey one in np, some of you will face the same problem. and then, trust me, you won't be able to say that you don't care.
i didn't work for promotion alone. promotion to me, was like a measure. i kept thinking that i was lousy just coz i didn't get promoted. trust me, you aren't lousy. coz i'm not. i've given so much. much more than some of the people who stood for promotion today and on par with others. michelle too. i'm not putting them down.
people see what you do when it's 8-12 on sat morning. they don't know if you have helped to tidy the room of fridays, or stayed back till 8pm to make presents for seniors, or met up earlier on unit day to cook the food, or stayed back after school to discuss logistics. people don't see when someone shirks her responsibility after sat mornings and gives it to someone else to do the work. i've cancelled family stuff and church camps to go for np. i've postponed my holiday vacation to go for STC. i know peoplw ho would use it as an excuse, but i didn't. i've had perfect attendance except for school matters and 2 MCs in 4 years when i was sick and vacation in june and december. my sqdmates know i'll be there the minute they need help.
i can't ask you not to care about promotion, just don't take it too much to heart. things didn't work out for me, and i just want you guys to know that it ain't so rosy. i hope that i being an NCO, i've tried to see as much beyond. hopefully, you guys won't have to experience this problem too. 4 years. it's over already, and i can't change it anymore. it's like time's up and the curtains have fallen. you guys still have loads of time ahead. just plan wisely, just remember, don't give up EVERYTHING for np. you have other commitments too. else, you'll get disappointed.
yeah i guess that's all i've got to say. you guys should understand a bit better now.

there, i've done it. again. i always end up pissing off the people who bother to comfort me. as usual. i won't say what about. coz i specifically instructed others not to care about that sort of stupid stuff, and here i am doing the exact opposite. scream at me not to think about, not to care..coz it's suposedly 'just a stupid crappy thing which cannot measure how much you've done'.

i can't. i've been doing ample preparation so that i can come to terms with whatever i was gonna hear. i succeeded, for about 4 minutes. that's better than last time at least. call me stupid then. i never do learn my lesson.

i just hate myself. it must be me. this same thing happened last year and it's come to repeat itself again. i can't imagine what reasons are there to justify the cause, i don't know. but it must be me then, just like the previous time. like always. i want to know why..but then again, i don't. it's probably some dumb reason as usual. some mistake i made, which maybe i wasn't even aware of.

no, worse. i made the biggest mistake. shall not elaborate either. but i really feel like i made a fool of myself, of my life. yes, i don't believe i regret anything that i have done for the squad. but i regret ever talking to yanli. she was gloating at me today(as usual). i regret scolding betty. giving up so much and thinking i'd made the correct decision all along. commiting to it was fine, but putting all else aside wasn't.

i'm so sorry mich. it was me, at it again.

wow. yesterday was the track and field meet. i am so not a enthu person. but i was screeching yesterday anyway. hard to believe. and we won! double champ! the school spirit was intoxicating.
mom and dad got back. i saw my confirmation pictures. pretty nice, but the person who took the picture with our legs decided to cut off our legs. sis seems to have put on weight. like me. mom and dad got me clothes. but i hate to say this, i'm sorta sad that they didn't seemt o realise that my taste in clothes have changed a lot. i don't like the preppy look anymore. i love patterns with weird stuff. like mandarin collars and ruffles. anything out of the ordinary.(recall, i hate being normal) but i got stuff like cargos and shirts. it just ain't me anymore.
i know this is like a super minor issue. clothes only afterall. but i felt really hurt that they didn't even know what i am like anymore. really freaks me. and all my mom ever says these days is study. even when i am studying, she still asks me to study.
in response to jy's entry on after the O's..frankly, i quite doubt the probability of lasting till after then. i can think up my own list too! after the O's, i want to go on a long long overseas trip. after the O's, i want to hold a big bash. after the O's, i'll plan a countdown party. after the O's, i'm going to live what's left of being 16. after the O's i'm going to say goodbye to sec school life. and never look back.

real happy that i got guinevere. didn't cheat in the answers or something. but somehow i don't believe i quite measure up to her. she is too good for words.
haven't blogged in aeons. saturday, went for NP then went shopping with cher. was at this shop where the salesperson was so pushy and made me try on so many things and said i looked fab when honestly i knew i looked gross. urgh.
did buy 2 tops and a sweater and a moulin rouge vcd plus 2 lip balms. just don't get it how i spend money. someone commented that i'd be broke if my parents aren't around. i would think so too.
the previous couple of days have just been that way. did well for my chem test. 18.5/20. 92.5% i'm cool about it. shall push myself harder. the maths test today wasn't so good. sigh.
mom&dad coming back tomorrow. whoopee! been missing them. but finally got used to it.
several things to look forward to.
POP:will miss the squad, but it's time to take a break.
developing of confirmation pictures: will be out when my parents develop the US pictures.
Shopping for POP skirt: any form of shopping is therapeutical.
British Film Festival: so the saying goes,"the grass on the other side is always greener" if possible, shall try to get the tickets to 'i capture the castle' at the film fest.
aug 8: sec 4 farewell chalet for sec 4 squad, totally cool to just chill and take pics.
whale rider: movie steeped in rich maori culture, must go catch it.
crap! my mom's b'dae is in 6 days time! man i nearly forgot! oh. and joshua daniel hartnett's 25th birthday is on 21st july. he was born in 1978. freak. like what has that gotta do with anything? everything perhaps.

always wanted to be her. she's so great. doesn't hurt that u get to marry arthur.

You are Guenevere the queen of Camelot and King
Arthur's wife. Guenevere was best known for
falling in love with her husband's best friend,
Lancelot, and having an affair with him.


Which Lady of Camelot Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i'd have loved to be autumn. early spring's muddy and dull.

Which Season are you?

whatever this is supposed to be?

Primary Ability: Farseeker Farseekers posses the ability to communicate over great distances via telepathy. They are great friends who know when they're needed, and seem to be able to detect others thoughts.
Secondary Ability: Empath Empaths posess the ability to feel the emotions of others. They are gentle people, who encourage and nurture others. They percieve the world with their hearts and not with their minds. Empaths make great friends because they understand people.
What is your Misfit Talent?

not surprising. i'm not A Hopeless Romantic for no reason.

Which [Movie Genres] are you?

this is like super obcious. i sleep so much.

Which [Seven Dwarfs] are you?

perhaps we are vaguely similar..

Which [Smallville] Characters are you?


Which [Rainbow Colours] are you?

Xiaoyan
20
business
U of M-Ann Arbor


SPRING break!!
fishball noodle soup
yellow gold heart locket
3.7 GPA
DSLR
cashmere winter coat


cher clara chuan debs terence prong san xuewei toufu 04s71 damian yisheng