shall just mention that i forgot to write in my results for certain subjects. ss i failed it 12/25. elective geog aced it 20/25. yeah that's it for grades i believe. today's bio prac was tricky. the test results were so ambiguous and everyone has different conclusions. i presume i flunked the first section.
however freedom may be defined, i can assure you, i don't possess it now. not one puny bit. everything(or almost everything) today, just rubs on my nerves. and sends me into a fit of irrtation, envy and frustration. my parents just left for the airport twenty minutes ago. they are going to the US to visit my sister and enjoy themselves at the same time. and it just gets to me when i can't share in the fun too.
perhaps, i am just being immature and childish, completely not a sixteen-year-old, but i can't help myself. i've managed to set it aside the past week or so, being occupied with other things. but now, with the whole of 11 days stretching out ahead of me, and nothing but my mundane routine and dense textbooks as my friend, i just can't contemplate staying in this living hell.
i honestly want to just cry like a baby. it's worse since my parents avoided travelling this june due to my O'levels and now they are off on a long vacation. sure, they promise a juicy one for me after my O's, but how far away it all seems! the torture of studying and mugging and cramming for exams with absolutely no joy at all. good God, i am not going to be able to make it. i will not die of exhaustion or collapse from overload, but i will spontaneously combust from pent-up angst.
my dad actually said during lunch,"Tahoe, here i come!" i had no sharp comeback for that. other than whining superficially, i haven't exactly expressed disappointment at not being able to follow them. instead, i've been wishing them fun and laughter for their trip and reassuring them that i'll be fine. but honestly, i am NOT.
i have no life. and i have nothing to do, other than to study. study chem, study physics, study bio, study chinese, study add maths, study maths, study geog, study social studies, learn vocab, sit for tests, groan over results and repeat the whole thing again. God i want to be there. i want to visit Lake Tahoe, i want to go to Yosemite, i want to take pictures at the Golden Gate Bridge. but my parents won't be going there again. my dad said so himself. he said,"you can go yourself when you study overseas." it's so obvious that he won't be the one to take me there, because my mom would have gone before. but does he realise that i won't be studying overseas? i can't anymore. because i've lost all hope of ever aceing my maths again.
i am forever going to be a small-town girl living in small-town singapore. i'm not ever going to study abroad. never going to see great art which Michaelangelo painted, never gonna learn ballroom dancing and salsa, never going backpacking across Europe, never gonna do film studies and become an actress, never gonna produce my own film on Queen of Camelot, never having a 'summer holiday'....never getting to do what i want.

-limitations-
the intense longing,
of wanting,
to try everything.

the overwhelming craving,
of wanting,
to experience.

not afraid of failure,
not afraid of falling.
just afraid,
opportunities, won't come my way.

'coz I’m an ordinary girl,
with extraordinary dreams.
in a small world, where it seems,
nothing happening, will come my way.

my mind crosses the boundaries,
my heart pierces beyond.
my soul overcomes the limitations,
yet my self's stranded, ashore.

pray tell, may I, chance upon a ticket,
train, plane or ferry. take me away.

-me 17may02-

-nothing beyond-
slumped against the wall,
my mind's a blank.
i've reached the end,
there's no turning back.

didn't miss the train,
'coz 'i ain't got no ticket'
and i've got nothing,
to pay for a trip.

i've buried my dreams,
gone back to waiting tables.
i've swallowed gall,
i've mellowed out.

my calling's past,
my heart is heavy.
but thoughts still linger,
'what might have been'

-me 5jul03-

God, i feel awful. maybe i'm just overeacting. maybe. honestly? i feel really drained.

had my first rifle drills sessions today. it's quite fun. i like it more than second class. i'm covered with bruises. my shoulders, my knee, my forearms, wrists, and right palm. and muscle ache in my shoulder blades, upper arms, forearms, legs..everywhere basically. a numbing sensation which emphasizes the comfort of long-awaited rest.
tomorrow's bio practical. i'm studying a little as i surf the net. i'm really afraid about labelling all those weird fruit parts. i'm really bad at those. so i'm hoping that the paper won't be too tough.
this couple of days i've been getting back some results. pretty gross really. A maths(from way back last term)28/50. it's bad. and i thought the paper was okay. made so many careless mistakes which i can't afford. physics written test 26/40. nothing good. but oh well. bio test 35/50. it's real disappointing coz i'm counting on Bio to give me my desired A1. chem practical was 32/40. that's somewhat rewarding. i saw someone's paper with 29.5 and i thought, wow she's so smart(thinking the maximum is 30), then i saw my mark and was like oh, i exceeded the denominator? haha. at least it'll look good against all my other crap. and lastly, my physics pract 23/30. another borderline A1. but nonetheless, it's something. my gosh, i'm turning into some academically-obsessed freak which i despise others for being.
i hate myself my caring so much about such 'black n' white' things, and yet, they matter so much to my existence. they affect me more than i would like them to, and piss me off when things go awry. test grades, pass or fail, are but just red or black ink marks on a dreaded term sheet. nonetheless, they hurt me to the very core. did you just hear me? "another borderline A1" i used to be satisfied when i got As, now even a borderline A1 seems worthless. i wish i can just sidetrack a while. like a train being derailed, to just try something else for a change. but it's the uncertainty which kills. i dare not, i'm afraid that something will go wrong, and since few have tried with even fewer success cases, it's not recommended to stand alone and go against the flow. if but the slightest notion of change, it is extinguished like flame being blown out. O' levels are coming, and while practically everyone else becomes academically-obsessed idiots, i just feel this urge to drift away, and do something cranky, like runaway to england and experience life at its fullest while nincampoops here, just plain lose their existence. it's pian really, being confined and work to bits, never knowing the word 'freedom'. honestly, we grow up to experience more 'freedom', but do we really? i was just thinking..i think all day of growing older and maturing so gain our freedom. but no, it's not that. as small innocent children, the onlyrestrictions are our parents' and elders' limitations. as young adults or adults, our restrictions are no longer of our elders', but are instead derived from that of our soul and spirit. we restrict ourselves, gaining physical freedom, but losing our mental freedom, which we had as kids. frankly, i rather have that spiritual/mental freedom, but looking back, i guess i never thought that way before now.
someone said this,"we were born ignorant, but made stupid by education" perhaps. i know that i'm gradually losing my sense of purpose and direction. i just don't know why i do certain things anymore. out of habit maybe? or fear?
shall head back to earth. next week's a truck-load of word and tests. bio, chem, physics, A maths. maybe more, but i can't recall. the only free day is monday and it's because it is youth day. but for certain that iwe'll all be studying our life away on monday.
just something to chew. youth day: celebrating the pressures of our tortured youth.

i really dislike mathematics. i just cannot comtemplate doing it. and when i'm actually doing it, it seems pretty manageable. until i take the test and all hope is lost. for certain then today's test was a total disaster. Math D is still an okay for me. Add. Math is beyond me. i despise every nitty-gritty bit of it. i despise the fact that it intimidates me. i despise myself for despising math because i can't do it. i despise the fact that i can't live without math. urgh!
i made numerous phone calls today. 15? mostly likely more. had to check about a junior is hospital and some other stuff. everything about NP. took me some 1hr 30min. hmm..i won't be going for the sec 2s live shoot. having Bio practical exam and will be late and there's nothing for us NCOs to do anyway, so i checked with the CIs and needn't go. there's first class drills session tomorrow. i hope i'll do fine. i haven't a clue on what we're gonna do, coz i missed the previous session..oh well.
i'm resolving to study and work hard. started by doing up some old math homework. that loathsome thing. and going to hopefully start studying. i must revise for my Bio practical on saturday. till then.

Little girl, don't dream

Little girl, don't dream
don't feed the embers of your burning flame
don't wish upon, don't seek a star
don't ever pray that you'll go far

Little girl, don't dream
go back to your soft, warm bed
don't set yourself up for a fall
you'll find it isn't worth it after all

-cher 10jan03-

it's real nice. so i went and dug it up from her old diary. aye.. it should be sung.
came across this blog which cher told me about. that person is of a different kind of character. which is practically extinct in our civilisation. and i like so many things which she does. i must go buy a beret. and the way she writes is just magical.

Hot hot! I am Curry Flavoured. I have a spicy personality. If you can take the heat, you'll love me, if not, I'll probably make you cry. I am not for the faint-hearted. What Flavour Are You?

this is more me, than some tea or vanilla or beef or alcohol flavour. i don't like curry, if you'd given me chili or sambal, maybe i'd have liked it more. but this is me alright.
epebble working better today. much better. i can get to the pages in 5-10seconds. BIG IMPROVEMENT! but i keep logging out. wonder why. and some pages just can't be displayed. ack. downloaded all the work and saved it. shall do later.
went shopping yesterday. not that i needed to buy anything really, just went, and dad joined me later so he paid. went after the dry shoot with the sec 2s. was having severe back pain and stuff. felt real awful. especially by the time i got home i felt totally bummed out.
spent the $20 kinokuniya voucher on 2 books by cathy kelly, 'just between us' and 'never too late'. it's wondeful to shop for books. bookstores are really book havens! just immerse yourself in the pool of knowledge, romance, suspense, thrill and what else! i can spend forever in there!
then bought a sky-blue OP saddle bag for $34.40. i didn't even know why i bought it. just felt like it, though i don't need it. but shall use it, coz if not..? wanted it in fushcia pink, but just couldn't picture myself carrying it.
bought 2 pairs of charles and keith sandals for $57 after discount. a piars of white slippers with beaded red and a piar of slip-ons with faux buckle strap in 1.5-2inch heels. but i still feel shoey*. still wanna get more shoes. i have this dream that one day i'll own footwear in every colour and pattern and can match a different pair to a different outfit. like how cool is that?
must thank eileen for being willing to be dragged down to orchard with me. for an hour or so. wanted to buy clothes but it's so irritating to change in sch-U so just scrapped the whole thing. maybe go shopping again with friends then we'll get something.
Lili got me this dangly earrings for my b'dae. looks like the meteor garden 1 pendent of the galaxy thingy. yup. looks pretty cool. but hanging them next to my ear with my hair down makes me looks so...different. like unrecognizable. wow.
peiwen gave me this flower thingy as belated b'dae. looks really cute, except it was smiling when i wasn't.
hmm..i still wanna go to fond hugs to buy clothes. i love the stuff there. sigh..mmhm..better stop now.

Green You are a very calm and contemplative person. Others are drawn to your peaceful, nurturing nature. Find out your color at Stvlive.com!

discover what candy you are @ stvlive.com

find your inner PIE @ stvlive.com

discover your inner candy heart @ stvlive.com
see? this is what e-learning does to you. i haven't exactly done anything except nothing. am gonna sleep now and wake up for physics lesson. now just in case it'll take another hour to load, let's start loading now...