Wednesday, April 23, 2003
i'm wearing my contacts now. gosh. they are most uncomfortable. and better still i can't see very well either. good grief. or should i say i can see but i gotta blink a couple of times before the vision clears and i don't see some reflection thingy. it's like when i was wearing specs, everything was somewhat larger in nature. but now, it's like everything shrank or something.
i can't wait for my momma to come home, then i can take it out.
i'm like having this case of dramatic irony. coz usually i've gotta study for my tests or something and i'm so sleepy i'd just sleep off the afternoon and study till the wee hours of the morning. and today, i don't even have a test tomorrow since i've had 3 this week already and cleared off the tests for the week. and i'm free to sleep and all that. and guess what?
wow! i can't go sleep, coz the contacts and conveniently sitting in my eyes till they're irritating me!
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
chinese test was today. this is the first time in quite a while where i actually finished revising the shou ce before the test, even if it was like 5 minutes before.
met yuhan today to talk with her about the sec 2s stuff. then she said she wanted to talk to me about some stuff so eileen went out. she asked about my relationship with eileen. and i just told her. then we got back to some jtc stuff. and i started crying like mad. i don't know why, but i just always cry in front of her. like i can keep sane with everyone but i just combusted then and there. i've cried before her before, maybe one or two more times. and each time she said the same thing, 'crying is not a sign of weakness'.
i can't say i totally agree though. but i must admit u gotta let loose every now and then. she thinks that i'm too eaten by competition. i guess so. eaten by my class. i just want to be happy, and i get the feeling that i know what i need before i can be happy.
i used to bicker with my sis a lot. and we'd fight. like physically. it was really bad, and i really disliked my sis then. and sometimes she'd do something which would make me cry. i was between 10 and 12 then. the one or 2 years before and after that period were testy too. but coz of all the fighting, i told myself that i will not cry. i even gave myself a limit that i cry only 3 times in the whole of primary 6. or primary 5, i can't remember. and i succeeded. i cried just 2 times that year. those days made me so much stronger. and i learn to cope with my problems and emotions. but these days, just has me going softie. and i'm starting to miss those fights which made me stronger.
i don't think it really was what yuhan said which made me upset. i guess it's just something unexpected which made me lose my footing. and with everything going on these days, it's just hard to keep sane. so it just triggered it. yuhan was really nice. she's always willing to listen and all that. of course, there are times when she's real strict and i get awful fed up too. but she can be really great. talking to her calms you down and helps you get your life in perspective. sometimes i wonder how she does it, keeping so sane and strong. gosh. thanks, yuhan ma'am.
and on the way home, it started raining, and i cried at the bus stop. coz i had the time to sit and think while i was there. just to ponder over everything. these past couple of days, have been taxing. the speech, the PMS(plus mood swings), the puny matter with lili, and some stuff with other people. and my class with their fantastic marks. thank gooness no one was at the bus stop near my house. so i just sat there. and all that crying plus the cold wind blowing gave me a horrible headache. i didn't want to just sit there, so i half walked half ran through the rain with my umbrella. there was lightning and thunder hitting real low and i was freaking terrified. and while waiting in a semi-open spce by the traffic light, some stupid woman in a car was laughing at me coz i got real freaked each time the lightning flashed while i was standing there and the thunder just boomed. i was so bloody freaked. and i kept saying, 'God, take me home' over and over again. i thank God coz i made it just in time before a horribly loud clap of thunder and bright streak of lightning. i'm will try not to do this going home in a storm again. i still need my wits about me.
well i suffered the headache at home and needed to sleep. which i have done and now that i've showered, i'm gonna take my dinner and start on physics.
it's been a helluva day. ouch. God will bring a better tomorrow.
Monday, April 21, 2003
i watched the NKF show yesterday. it was really nice. and freaky too. the stunts just get more hair-raising each year, i wonder what they'll think of next..jumping off the building?
today was a fairly okay day when it started out. but it didn't end off quite so well. the test wasn't good. it is E maths so i thought it'd be pretty manageable. but no. it was awful. recess meeting was bad. i don't understand why the details have to keep changing. so freakin' irritating. i just want the sec 2s to learn the drills and do their best and perform well.
then there was the speech. i don't want to win. that's bad of me to think that way. i want to learn from the experience but i don't want to win. the topic sure took care of that. the impromptu one,' life's secret pleasures' kept me blabbering about imagination. crazy me.
and i guess i was touche today. maybe it's my mood swings from PMS. but was i realy upset today. just seeing someone made me feel so bloody envious and irascible. my afternoon was way horrid.
and guess what? i think they'll be no one at my funeral.
oh and i'm thinking of adding another name for my confirmation. julianna. i like it a lot. it's like fire, water and earth. and wind and femininity and strength. a mixed personality to me. or maybe helena. she was constantius wife and constantine's mother.
and i wish i were more mild today. i feel like i've been bumping around and messing up the whole day. something's awfully wrong somewhere.
A - Appetizer of Choice: hmm...caviar.
B - Best Friend: truly? i don't know. i keep different things from different people i guess. but the one who came closest? maybe val. or maybe, my bolster. my sis is nice too.
C - Choice of Meat: beef, venison, or abalone.
D - Dream Date: any place where i'll be happy i guess. a nice hangout?
E - Exciting Adventure: go travelling. to tokyo, kyoto, milan, paris, ireland, niagara falls, lake tahoe, italy, brazil, NZ, australia(again), florida, spain...and the old South. i've got to see these places.
F - Favorite Food: beef noodles dry, uni sashimi, all shellfish(better if raw), kitsune udon, NYDC desserts, stuff with chinkiang vinegar...haagen daaz coffee ice-cream. i can't recall anymore offhand.
G - Greatest Accomplishment: i dunno. maybe it was getting a gold for NAPFA after 5 years. no. i think it was being so happy till i cried.
H - Happiest Day of Your Life: dunno. the UK and NZ trip were both nice.
I - Interesting Fact: i can't decide who i like better danny walker, josh hartnett, arthur pendragon or lancelot.
K - Kool-Aid: ohh. the fever thing right? nuhuh. i prefer paracetemol
L - Lover: hmmm.....
M - Marriage: if ever, yes.
N - Name: xiaoyan aka grace. i'm thinking of adding julianna to it. or maybe helena, she's a great saint. to me.
O - Obsession: perfection in my eyes. but not too perfect.
P - Pizza toppings: salami, ham, pineapple, olive, cheese, anchovies.
Q - Question Asked to You the Most: huh? or maybe u gotta be kidding..or u know what? i seriously don't know.
R - Radio Station: good one. i don't listen. the thing i hear is actually 93.8. the news channel.
S - Sex: Female.
T - Television Show: ahhhh! survivor, friends, american idol and serials.
U - Underwear: hmmm...they stay on and shouldn't come off.
V - Video: PEARL HARBOR. the one show i think that it's real great. then the rest just jumble up.
W - Winter: snowflakes melting in yourplams, dotting your hair, pelting on your face. sometimes winter's cool, sometimes cold and sometimes freezing. i love it after windy autumn.
X - X-Ray: horrible. symbol of problems. lung cnacer, stomach cancer, kidney failure, disjointed spine, broken bones. magnifies everything and makes it awful.
Y - Year born: 1987.
Z - Zodiac sign: rabbit. right? or was it the twins? or maybe gemini.
